Happiness and Mattel Barbie boxes

I used to treat people quite instrumentally. This means that I would only get closed to the person if he/she is useful to me or someone that I like. I thought that this was how the world worked- people make use of each other to get what they want.

As I began to grow older, I began to realise the importance of relationships. That sometimes, even though we have no use for each other, we should still treat each other with kindness.

Sometimes, I feel that if you do this because of karma, you are actually ruining the whole idea of treating with kindness. We must treat other with kindness with no notion of hoping to get something in return and that is when good things will happen to you serendipitously.

And as I grow older, I began to question the idea of relationships. Can you imagine if I married someone if I thought that this girl was pretty or is really rich or has the ability to bore me many children. What type of relationship would I have?

This means that I marry because it was the right time to marry and this particular person ticked all the right boxes. Or because social pressures to get married, we married the person simply because he/she was there and that's all.

I believed that many people married because they see all the nice pictures of couple living a life together and they want to have a piece of the nice and idyllic couple life- but how much do you know about your significant other and what have you done for him/her or what has she/he done for you?

They inwardly want to settle down so that they can enjoy the quiet and idyllic life of couple-hood or family life rather than truly being in love with person. This means that they have self-interested notions for the their significant other. If the significant other does not fit the bill, quarrels or arguments would ensue and things that take a turn for the worse.

I used to want to get married to this girl of dreams simply because she was really pretty, smart and graceful. I thought that she would fit nicely into my previous yuppie lifestyle of successful career, condo and car. But she dumped me and I thanked her for that. Simply because I wanted her to be my wife simply because of ideas of self-aggrandizement that's all. I wanted to enrich my ego and she fits the bill. I think she detected that and she dumped me for someone better- I better.

Imagine what would happen if we got married, I think we would be divorced her by now because I wasn't really interested in who she is but rather in how she can enrich my career or how she can enrich my self-worth.

But there are some whom are more interested in telling the "happy family" story that I believed that they got married and got kids simply to live this little dream of theirs. The significant other was simply the partner to live this dream of theirs. They have absolutely no notion of what the significant other likes or dislikes other than the fact that they checks all the boxes

They have an innate desire to be "happy" and hence they want a picture perfect "husband/ wife". Everything is planned carefully and they have no wish to deviate from their " picture perfect life"

We all want to be happy but it does not comes from an outward expression of what conventionally constitutes to be happy. And this does not comes from satisfying our own ego. Happiness comes from within and comes from sacrifices that you make not just for people whom you care for or loved but also for people who you have no familial or close ties with.

I just hope that people realise that happiness does not in Mattel Barbie boxes but rather with what you make of life that throws at you.

Have you?

I was reading a piece of online news on this NUS girl who said that she had preferred her priviledged suitor than her more working class boyfriend. Of course, there will be lots of brickbats on the girl for choosing materialism over good old work ethics. But this time round, I will focused on the guy.

You see, I was never either of the two. I was kind of quite lucky to get a car when I was studying as my grandma had bought the car for me, but I wasn't so lucky that I had lots of spending money to spend on girls then. I had to work in cafes for $5/hr and that was the going rate then, to earn some extra cash to spend on things I like. Of course, I wasn't so lucky to have a house in my name even before I graduated.

But I watched so many movies and shows on how people clamour for the attention for rich and successful guy who had everything. Car, condominium, cash, credit cards and some class. And so after working a few years, I was determined to be that guy. To be sure, I wasn't that sort of guy who would actually was clamouring for all those outward things in school. In university, I was always denouncing those who wore nice clothes- looking fine and dandy in school- as out of touch with reality as which student can afford all these things without daddy's money. I was calling these people bourgeois for being so ostentatious in demonstrating their class and status. I was always in bermudas and t-shirts while in school. [ Actually deep down inside, I just want to indulge in everything that would put me away for "harsh" world of working life]

But after I left school, when I started work- and I put off working as late as I could- I began to realise that it was time to grow up and faced up to the world. I had to be more realistic and practical and not always denounce all demonstrations of wealth as bourgeoisie- and stop being such an intellectual snob. I began to develop an interest in finance and even took another degree in finance to further my career and interest in it. I started in operations in a big Swiss bank and I began to see that the big money was not earned in operation or the middle office, it was in the front office- the client facing side of things.

 I then began to earned my strips by starting out as a fully-commissioned financial adviser in a financial advisory firm. My target was never to be so entrepreneurial but to work in a bank as a banker. When I learned enough from the place, I moved to a large British bank and that's when my career took off. I started with simply cold-calling customers and my time in the financial advisory firm put me in good stead as my customers were simply people that had to be spoken to. I broke the sales record the first month while in the bank and my boss took good care of me- always giving me good leads. I then began to feel like a banker.

I began to feel like the guy in Wall Street like Gordon Gekko in the movie always talking in millions and spouting financial data like it was second nature. In fact, I like the adrenalin rush of moving money fast- making good money for clients by simply moving money in and out of the market. And I was pretty good at my job. Most of my clients made money and they were happy for it. I was earning good money from my job, $7,000 to $8,000 a month for a 27-28 year world in 2000s is pretty decent.

I was becoming that guy that everyone loves to hate. I had a car- okay not the best car but decent enough one enough-, I bought a million dollar condominium at 29 with my mom as I had to share the downpayment with. I was earning good money with lots of disposable income and I could afford to pay for the $150/month gym membership, $200/ month car park at the hotel and a nice meal here and there, wearing $200 shirts and $200 pants with $ 400 shoes. It was nice- everything was nice. I was barely 30 then.

But I was working extremely hard, I was working seven days a week as my branch was a seven days week branch and I even had to go back and work during my reservist as my customers needed to trade and I couldn't trust others to do it for me. My bedtime television show was Bloomberg. Hence having talk so much about my journey going from the guy which everyone likes- one which denounces material wants to one which attain all forms of conventional material wants, I would like to say that being the guy which achieve all the material wants is really not as easy as it seems. It seems like they have everything but actually, it is a difficult climb.

They make it look easy as it is really part of job. It is all part of the charm that makes everything look effortless so that they can attract people to what they do and it is not easy. It is like the gymnast who practice hours and hours just to appear graceful in front of everyone just for the few minutes. The only difference is that we have to keep doing it the whole day.

We make it look easy not because we are flaunting it but because we had do the difficult part away from the public eye. For those that think being the top of the game requires luck, think again, you need whole lot more skill, guile and effort than you can imagine.

For those that really eschew materialism, you might want to think again why you were never successful materially- perhaps it was not because you were not lucky enough, perhaps because it was that you did not put in sufficient effort. Perhaps, you were too afraid to come out of your comfort zone and lose your friends that you will comfort you when you were lousy but never contribute to your building up as a person or maybe you were busy criticizing people for being materialistic then to look at your own situation. Or even maybe, you have never taken a risk in your life in achieving your goals and that's why you have never even taken the first step.

Now is the time to curse the bankers, the people who sucked money out of people, but being on the top of the game requires a whole of intelligence and background work. It also requires of manicuring of the image to look successful and knowledgeable to sell the idea to the clients. It is really the whole package.

Take it from the guy who went from bermudas and shorts to expensive suits and shoes, it is a hell lot of more difficult to appear successful and appealing than to appear "normal" to people. I know it from experience that denouncing being rich is quite easy, but being rich is really kind of a much harder- and based on your own effort is hell of a lot harder.

Hence, let us not be fast to denounce that successful person that seems to live in another world from us as being out of touch of reality, as it is really much harder than it looks to look successful, knowledgeable and powerful all at the same time. It is really a much cultivated image that requires so much pruning from the mannerisms to what you wear, to what you talk and read about.

But now, I am working at my father's place for less than 1/3 what I used to earn and I really quite happy for it. I am happy because I am trying to build a family business rather than helping an outside business grow bigger and bigger. All my expensive shirts, pants and shoes have become useless because now I wear jeans and polo tees to work and I have graduated from looking rich and successful to trying to be actually "rich and successful."

Some of those things I learnt from my banking days is still useful such as the salesmanship and looking from a business perspective but now I realise that it is not just about myself, it is also about everyone else in the team. It is about getting my colleagues to work together and to ensure that the customers are served correctly and well.

I do not have as much disposable income but I still have my house and I still have a company car to drive but I am investing my time and effort to the long term growth of the company. I still want to be successful but just that my definition of success has changed. It is wider now, and I want everyone around me to be successful and not just myself. But there are some whom eschew success, thinking that it is linked to materialism, but I think they just scared to succeed.

Therefore don't hate the banker, think about how the banker can and will grow to another person. At least he had the guts to chase for what he wants. Have you?

Trip to Dubai

I had written before on Islam always othering Christianity in pursuit of their identity. I am not going to pretend to be an expert on this issue but from what I understand, Islam arose from the needs to provide an alternative to Christianity in the Middle Eastern region. How it arose to prominence seems to come from even secular reasons due to geo-political exigencies.

Recently I develop an interest in the Middle Eastern region after a visit to Dubai last week. Very often, we paint the Arab Muslims as living in another world with the beards and often traditional clothings. When I went there, I began to realise that their traditional clothings have quite practical uses. It was extremely hot there, up to 50 degrees in the open sun, the loose fitting clothings meant that it was not as inconvenient to wear in the extreme temperatures. But the women clothing were something different. They were in black and covered from head to toe, and it seems extremely uncomfortable in the hot weather, but I gathered that it is due to their traditional readings of Islam.

I read up abit on Middle East over the course of the last few weeks and began to realise, it is quite a diverse region. Saudi Arabia is considered to be an area where more traditional readings of Islam is being followed. Women must be appropriately covered and are not even allowed to drive. But nonetheless, the government is trying to modernize the economy and diversify from oil revenues and trying to build various sectors of their economy. From property, tourism to banking, they are trying to move away from their reliance from oil

Other parts of Middle East are considered to be liberal, and does not impose such rules on it's people and visitors alike. UAE where I visited, is quite liberal. I don't see any difference living there and any part of the cosmopolitan city like New York, Paris, Hong Kong or Singapore. What you can get in these places, you can get it in Dubai as well.

Talking about Middle East, you cannot avoid talking about IS- or Islamic State. What I saw from Dubai seems to be quite far-fetched from the world of IS. In fact, they seems to love American cars and brands more than anywhere else in the world. The strange thing about Dubai is that there almost 8 foreigners for every local here hence it cannot be representative. I did not really meet any locals when I was there but what I can see is that people are prospering there. Although, I find that some things are somewhat over the top and I am not sure whether it is last after the novelty factor wears off but I have no doubt that they are trying to emulate the western concept of capitalism.

Although, they are very modern but you will find restrictions on certain days or regions. Like some restrictions during praying times on Fridays, they still cling on their beliefs. There is no attempt to impose any form of caliphate in the region. They are welcoming to foreigners insofar that they bring in the tourist dollar or precious skill to build the economy.

Maybe I have not visited the traditional parts of Middle East and do not see how they lived but when I read a little more about them, I began to realise that even though most of these states are autocratic in the sense that citizens do not have the right to vote, I see that the rulers also care about the welfare of the people. During my visit there, there was an Emirates plane that caught fire and a fireman had died during the blaze, the emir of the state actually visited the family of the fireman whom had died in the blaze, the newspaper had reported. There was no need for him to do that as he was actually the head of the state.

Sometimes, I begin to wonder whether systems make men or men makes systems in such cases. You don't necessary need politicians to fight for votes to show their human side, sometimes such acts can also come from the heart.

Sometimes, maybe the western media "other-rize", "exoticize" and "demonize" Muslims so much that they seems to come from another planet but it seems that they have quite similar concerns from us. It would be good if some of us would try to have some interest in the less-often  visited region of the worlds and try to come to terms with in our terms rather than see them eyes which could be biased from the start.

Travelling

I think travelling is over-rated. It is true that every time one travels, one tends to get new perspectives when they come back but more often than not, it breaks the routine of life so much so that the things that you have been training for or saving for the whole year gets wipes out within the few weeks that you spend overseas.

Actually I enjoy the act of travelling which means that every time I enjoy, I get to sleep in hotel beds and not make my beds and someone will do that for me. I like the fact that I get to try all sorts of different types of food and sometimes, over-eating comes with package. I also get to see how different people lives and how lucky we are in Singapore.

But the difficult part of travelling is getting to the routine that you have been trying to trained yourself for. Take for example, you goes to the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. And just for that 2 whole weeks, you skipped gym because it's travelling and travelling should be relaxing.

You lose the momentum for the entire year just because you put yourself on relaxed mode for 2 weeks. And when you switched off for the 2 weeks, everything else gets looser as well. The marathon that you are training for gets switched off. And based on experience, after switching off for 2 weeks, getting back to your normal training mode takes at least a month, which means that you lose one month.

At the same time, the financial goals that you have been saving hard for as well, can go in a flash, as you want to experience memorable moments, you spend as well on things. Just because you are on holiday, your purse strings get looser and suddenly, you begin over-spend. And at the same time, your weight goals goes haywire as well. Faced with a full-on American breakfast everyday for 2 weeks, who wouldn't put on pounds that you have been desperately trying to shed the last few months. You gained back whatever you shed and more within a matter of weeks.

It is easier to lose sight of your goals when you are travelling because it is justified by "because you are travelling and so you must let loose mentality". This is regardless of whether you are travelling for leisure or for business. To compound the matters further, you are always in different time zones and therefore the routine that you have build up over the course of the year to build up to something get screwed up as well- putting jeopardy to your best-laid plans.

Well, I don't know about you, the last few times that I travel, I have made sure that the hotel comes equipped with a gym. And I make sure that I visit the gym at similar intervals as what I would have done should I be back home. And if the gym is not well-equipped, I still try to make sure that I will get the similar amount of activities on other machines should I be back home. In other words, no treadmill, means cycling for the same amount of time.

When faced with buffet after buffet of food, I always take everything just to make sure I don't missed out on anything. But I take lots of vegetables, fruits and fish and a small portions of other food. Drinking is almost unavoidable but I just drink for the occasion- like a gala dinner or so, just to show that I enjoying myself to the host.

When it comes to spending, business travel means everything is paid for. This means that you can avoid spending on food, hotel and air tickets, and means that your spending is minimal if you can avoid buying big ticket items like handbags for girlfriends or wives or liquor at the duty-free. What's more, the more liquor, you buy, the more you drink hence the less you buy the better. If it is more leisure, I am very upfront with my guest that I can spend that much especially when it is coming near to the end of the trip.

Some people save money on trips just so that they can maximize their enjoyment when they are overseas hence they maximize everything when they travel- in terms of food or experiences. What they don't realise is that this mentality will result in the "let loose" mentality which means losing their important cultivated habits in pursuit of goals. This lost in routine is really quote detrimental in your pursuit of long term of goals.

Hence the next time, you travel, try to keep your routine up otherwise, making up for it when you come back home is going to be one long hard slog.

Being nice or being "nice"

Should we be frank or should we remain supportive, these are some of questions that we ask ourselves when we communicate with each other.

There are some whom believed that being frank, outspoken and opinionated reveals a tinge of authenticity that gives us some form of credibility when we talk. This makes us more believable and persuasive when we talk.

But always being in your face makes us sometimes unmanageable and anti-social in the sense that even though we know it is the truth or your true feelings, this eliminates the hopes of things changing. The negative vibes given out in itself can be a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that the worldview will result in exactly the same thing that we are actually trying to avoid.

Take for example, when we find another person that we do not like, we gives out exactly the same vibes to this person, this other person might exactly reciprocate in return, also not liking you- since you do not like me in the first place. But if we approach the person in a neutral or friendly manner, we might turn a potential enemy to a friend simply by not pre-judging the person.

On the other hand, if you are the type of person whom always say supportive things and positive things, you will attract all the right people to you. All the people will reciprocate in kind as well. Saying all the nice things about you and to you as well. But on the other hand, there is a chance that you will  never hear the truth about you. Granted that sometimes, we will need to hear the truth sometimes; if no one tells you the difficult things, will you ever improved. If someone tells you the truth, the earlier that you will know your flaws.

As you can see, I am actually leaning more towards a positive attitude towards each other. This will breed a virtuous cycle towards each other. We can actually tell each other flaws in a nice way- without offending or putting down others. The important thing is to consider each other feelings.

I used to be a believer in being authentic and telling each other the truth as I felt that this would mean being honest with each other and that is the basis of a fruitful relationship. But I began to realise that not only that I might be wrong in my views, I might also hurt the long term relationship. I even think sacrificing the relationship in exchange of honest opinion is an act of sacrifice which should be respected.

I might be wrong but sometimes, an urgent matters, an honest opinion is better than a sugar-coated one but if it is told in private, it might work much better than to create a whole scene or drama over a difficult conversation. We think that outright antagonistic behaviour would provoke a sometimes a positive reaction from the other person. But a calm and plain conversation with a friend about the flaws or downsides might work much better than talking "plainly" or "truthfully". Trying to prevent it from being emotional might actually work better than being just plain rude. The point is to focus on the facts.

But I also used emotions to provoke some form of reactions from people as well before. I think it got the message across but it result in an utter destruction of the relationship. Maybe I was ready to let go of the relationship as well and that's why, I considered it as a parting gift to a friend.

Whatever your communication style, I think the intentions is very important. If your intentions are right, I believed that in time to come, the truth will unravel itself. Whether your relationships will return to normal, remains to be seen though.