You had me at hello.

I get stares all the time. It's like people are trying to tell me something but 90% of the time I have no idea what they are trying to say. I am not an expert on body language but I do know that if you notice a body language and it is done in contrived manner- this means that instead of talking, you want to tell a person something- simply by signalling- very often, this will backfire very easily.

For example, let's say, lets say your really like this guy and you desperately want to get his attention and for some reason is that you believed that for example, rather than let's go for lunch or coffee, you flick your hair or swipe your hair in a manner of agreement but an agreement of which no one knows what is agreeing about- then you have put this person in a spot. Since no one knows the question, then how does anyone knows the answer. And if no one really knows what is happening, how does anyone really respond in a manner which is "sociable".

A yes and no, is never a good enough. No one says yes without a "but" and no one says no, without a qualifier. Hence this manner of communication is really anti-social, unless you are a spy of which communication is only possible covertly. Hence since the possibility of anyone being a spy in anyone common social setting is close to zero, therefore isn't a need to engage in such tangential communication.

Look I am a vouyeur, as I walk through the common areas where people walked and passed by frequently or is extremely busy. It is extremely interesting to note how people communicate to each other without really talking to each other. They have the ability to talk to their friends and also signal to passersby their pleasure and displeasure. Sometimes, I don't know whether they are communicating to me or to strangers or are they talking to their friend.

The way  work is quite different. Like for example, when I am talking to someone, I am only talking to this person. This means that even if an elephant walks past, I would not signal to this person. I am not sure whether it is just me or the world has gone so small that everyone is talking to talking to everyone all at the same time without getting through anything.

But I have been began to notice that even people whom are talking to me are noticing all these people signalling all around them and I usually try to concentrate on what I say then bother with so many moving objects hence I am beginning to think that I might have send out the wrong message. I cant really see what is happening behind me or people walking past me from the side. I have no idea what intention they have or these people are intending to do- I just consider them as simply noise. Sometimes I wonder for example if I flick my hair or rub  my eyes, I am not sure whether they think that I am telling them something- I am wondering whether how come an eye cannot get itchy or maybe my contact lens is irritating me that's all.

I perfectly at ease if some stranger come up and say hi and ask how are you- and since this is not the culture around here- I normally just mind my business. Hence I find that all these non-verbal communication is really strange. Ok, if let's this opposite party sees it and understands it, and what is going to happen. If it is a perfect stranger, is it going to be sliding doors and that something surreptitious is going to happen- I am really curious about what goes on in the head of these people.

Are they afraid of talking to stranger but have desire of knowing them better- and in this case, how does doing nothing but flicking and no phone numbers, email addresses and anything is exchanged, what is purpose of the entire episode in the first place. Are you wishing that destiny sees this and somehow, something and someone will arranged for you to meet this rather star-crossed lovers. Its a romantic idea, I am not going to debunk it, but if you keep doing it to everyone, destiny is a faithful partner and it doesn't really like a fickle minded partner, how is that going to help your cause in any way- it continues to puzzle me no end.

And the other day, I spoke to this rather sweet looking cashier, and when I chat with her, she looks like she has seen death but flick her hair incessantly. I might have read her wrongly but normally, the straight road is the best route, and so I have no idea how to navigate this rather ambiguous route. But everytime, I see her, she looks like death to me. So I digress.

I might look a little fierce, but I always strike up a conversation with a cashier as much as I can and no I don't say you have nice hair, I would say like what is good, and normally I would get a deathly smile, and normally I would order my stuff and move along. And if I do see this particular server or cashier and see gives me the same reaction, I will still give a smile since I wouldn't probably be meeting her anytime soon I suppose.

Maybe people are too shy or maybe people are not used to talking to strangers or we just don't have the culture of making small talk, but I do know that if nothing is exchanged, nothing is exchanged, the likelihood of anything is close to zero. Hence why don't, when someone strike a conversation, have a chat, smile like you have met a friend you did not meet for a long time and maybe this person could be a valuable contact- who knows.

Since no one talks to no one on the train and on the bus, and since the likelihood I am going to see you again or remembering seeing you again is close to zero-unless you stalk me [ which I am beginning to think likewise because the coincidences can be so uncanny that it is almost unlikely] I am not obligated to respond in kind in anyway possible.

I don't bite, you can chat with me- and just don't sneak up behind me, because this is very strange. I can help you talk, just don't do really creepy things, I am sure you will find that you will be doing more talking than you expect to. If I look at you flicking your hair, there must be something to look at- and no, I am not going to say hi, not because I am scared, but I will scare you. We have no culture of doing so and I don't think most are comfortable anyway.

But I have done exactly the same thing at clubs and it helps that the darkness and booze lowers people's inhibitions but I have very creepy guys keep sneaking up behind me everytime I start talking to some ladies. It was getting on my nerve but well, I know he is trying to go in on the cheap but this type of behaviour will not get him anyway, and so I let him move around like a mosquito buzzing around my ears. I was in the army, I was used to it.

I have began to realise that this rather strange paranoia have driven people to do really strange things and I have even grown men with kids and mother's with kids signalling at me- which is the exact opposite, and that is totally inappropriate. These grown men looked at me like I had eaten their lunch and that look like they were entitled to something. I am not sure what they are entitled to, but all I know that so long as you have the money, you can go to the restaurant and order anything you want- that is your problem and not mine. I ordered my food and paid for it and so I have every right to eat anywhere and anything I want. You can if you want to, but I am not sure what is holding you back or my eating has interrupted your routine. Since it is a café, I don't see why I democratically cannot have anything i want.

Anyway, I like to think that I am a perfectly reasonable person with quite an accommodating nature- and some even expect me to difficult, but well that's my style, I only run people down with they have been unreasonable and in a social setting, I don't see why I should. But I did told this guy whom knocked my bag in a crowded train and I told him off- he gave me a stare down and I shake his hand and he was more embarrassed than he was when he didn't. You see the people around pretend not to hear anything. That is why, talking in train is just not appropriate.

Sometimes, it is so stressful to stand in the train station because sometimes you feel that your own presence is a hindrance to some people's amorous attempts. Its like a flick of hand or a tap on the phone is interrupting "the moment" with some person on the train. I am sorry, I wasn't doing anything, if it helps, just ignore that I am there.

You see as a person who does this professionally for some time, it might come easy to me while it is harder to other's, but I normally am not difficult to understand. You will find that the moment a chat is started,, you will talk more than I do. But if you think I was trying to make you look bad, or trying to tell you that I am better than you, there isn't anything that I can do about it.

The next time, you do see me on the train, you can chat with me, I am all open, I won't with you because I am afraid that you might feel uncomfortable.

Good night and Good evening

Dial in Now!!

I was in the train the last few days, the one thing that I noticed was that people have a tendency to cluster together no matter how uncomfortable it is. It is quite funny because, the amount of space that I have between the next passenger was like twice larger than the next carriage.

Maybe they really enjoy smelling the armpits of the next person and I suspect that they were afraid of speaking out of line than they are of standing next to a person maybe whom it is unfamiliar. But the funny thing is that in spite of the effort to make themselves smaller, they make themselves heard louder than the person next to me that he was almost whispering.

I really have no qualms about where they wish to stand, sit or even squat so long as they realised that people can see, smell and touch you. But sometimes, they look at people like they were some freak show- and that is exactly what makes them so insipid.

They are curious like an auntie in a market, pressing and touching the fish but have no intention to buy at all. It's perfectly fine if you don't wish to buy, but do not spoil it for the next person.

I was with this Caucasian guy opposite me, an Indian guy in front of me, some Filipinos somewhere, but some young kids standing and looking at some freaks in a carriage. This to me is very impolite.

If you do not feel comfortable, you don't need to look from the corner from eye, laughing among yourself and making some joke and trying to attract attention to yourself without really trying to do anything.

Do not treat others like they are in a zoo, because trust me others will treat you the same way when you overseas.

I really tend to agree what people say about Singaporeans- we are "cheena-pok", we are so afraid of everything that our instant reaction is either to be very loud- like some "Chinaman" just that we say it in English or alternatively pretend that the person doesn't exist or used this idea of numbers game. We are the more there are, the more fearless we get. This is like some juvenile gang by the street corner.

To be quite honest with you, we don't have an etiquette, we don't have charm, and we don't have anything going for us that make us very likable.

We think we are the best for a reason that escapes me when all we have going is that we clustering together that's all. Sometimes, I feel very embarrassed to be called a local. Everyone comes here to make money but have no idea what we do and the only thing that gets us going is the likelihood that some foreigner will bring us some sales. We make more money than most developed countries and we act like some hungry rats in the sewer sometimes. Rushing around like there was gold in the train or train.

Any train station is like a microcosm of Singapore society. You won't see the well-suited on weekends which would drive on weekends and leave them out on weekdays. But you will this close proximity everyone so angry. The young kids pisses off the old folks so much that it is like they looked resigned to the fate of the random behaviour of these children.

You can almost see the resignation across their face on the lack of manners and sometimes, a frown on how some young kids carry themselves. Personally I might have been out of touch since I have been caught up with things like about making money or seeing things practically, but even when I see online, the things coming out- like hatred and "please die" messages are like entertainment. No one takes all these seriously. And I don't expect anyone to take this seriously as well even the kids themselves. I am not sure whether the kids expect the older folks to be intimidated just by saying this type of "taboo" subjects- but let me be honest with you, it often manifest into the behaviour described above. Anything different is like a freak show.

Internet did not open their minds, that I can assure to the parents, but what they did was give them the tools to irritate people without trying to do anything. I watch videos on Internet and I also have some of those social media accounts but let me assure that the internet has a lot of information- a lot of them free, and don't use and watch all of them like it was unfliltered channels.

I was there even you knew what IRC was, I have even met people on IRC. And I also watch porn on the internet even before you guys know about playstation. They came in gif files and they were not "photoshopped" they were simply cut and paste onto naked bodies of famous people. I never got Lan gaming because I never liked anything I can do in real life which I have to do virtually. That's why I know you guys who flamed without any identity, sit in their own rooms with nothing better to do and cannot articulate anything to anyone face to face.

Internet is very useful, what you cannot get in real life cannot be gratified online. I don't want to sound like a grandfather lecturing, but I come from a generation when internet came in dial up and we have pagers before we have handphones. We have seen how this whole internet thing came from infancy without the baggage of a typewriter and letters. This makes me and my peers uniquely equipped to tell you that what you have now is simply what we did quite rudimentary. Do you know what does 1 177155 4 on the pager: It means I miss you.

We know exactly what you have in your mind and with all these equipments, This is nothing more than the same extension of the same spirit only  

We have our ways and so we know what exactly you guys have in your mind. There isn't a need to try to even fool what you guys do online. We were there even before you came from your mother's womb.

And so even if you try anything funny, we already go there way before you guys did.

At this current moment, we are abit slower on this account because we never quite needed them in the first place and that we spend more time outside than we on the computer because it was so slow and the games so rudimentary that it was so easy to master them.

There wasn't such thing call online gaming until way later and in order to come together, we had to come together and we have to pre-arranged a time because not everyone has a cellphone.

My suggestion in the future is that, don't messed around with your older brothers and sisters, you can fool your parents, you probably cannot fool us. We download free music and movies online even way before you guys have youtube and make yourself famous.

This means that we listening to eminemen even before you heard of "one direction". Hence for crying out loud, I think in the future, you try to outsmart anyone one of us, my suggestion is to run a quick check with your older brothers how does a 56 kpbs dial in modem sounds like and how does dos screen looks like too.

I Love, you Love- Everyone loves

We do not need to make choices if they are not put before them. This is not denial, but rather a form of categorical fallacy. For example, if I am not religious, it does not mean that I must believe in devil or is an anti-Christ. Similarly, if I do not show interest in something, it must mean that I show interest the opposite thing. Unless the things in discussion are ESSENTIALLY different things, some choices are simply false choices.

Like for example, when I do not do anything, it means that I do not want, incapacitated or simply passive. Choices- beyond the either/or can only increase with knowledge. Likewise, we are also limited by what we know- hence then can we say that we then doomed to die, since this is the only thing we will ever know for sure. Hence then how can our entire civilization survive for more than 5000 years.

Of course, there are certain things beyond our control- like where we are born and the social environment that we lived in. Choices are then imposed onto us by these environments that we lived in. Hence even if we are free to choose, we not are free to "choose". Therefore, communities often imposed these choices onto it's people and the more ideologically tight the community, the more tighter the implications.

Today, as I was taking the bus, I was left with this very simple choice: I could take the bus in which this pretty girl went up the bus but it was extremely crowded- and I would still get to my destination- or as this bus was approaching, another came almost immediately, which was emptier came- and I will still get to my destination- but I had to board this bus with a bunch of strange men. Hence the implications would be 1) since I did not take the bus with the girl, I must be gay 2) since I take the bus with the strange men, I then must be gay. I chose the second bus, simply because I didnt know this girl and the chances of getting a seat was easier in the second. By the fate or choice of some supernatural force, since the bus almost came at the same time, can I be seen as gay since I chose to have a seat then to follow a a strange girl.

What if the bus with the strange girl came first and I didnt see the second bus, I would definitely take this bus, since in this case- it just makes perfect sense- since I do not forewarned knowledge that the second bus was coming in ths first place.

Imagine you are playing Sim City and you are god or the bus authorities looking down at your citizens and decided to arrange this pattern, can you make a conclusion that this "citizen" is gay.

I have once said that our lives are made by the choices that we make, and for some reason, by the hand of fate or some supernatural force, i am not able to get what I want or missed on something because I make incorrect decisions, can I then rue myself for always making the wrong choices. No you can't, because you make it to your best ability and unless you do not, you would then rue all the choices that you have make in your life.

I have consider myself not as hyper-successful person nor as a man which attempts to win the popularity contest, I consider myself as a man whom who will do everything to the best of my ability within my given means and to the best of my knowledge and understanding. If it is not good enough for everybody, it is good enough for me- I fear being judged, not by some random person on the street, but by myself- and as there are certain things that we will never know, and if then, I will leave it at that.

Goodnight

Eugene

 

Melt the Pot

There are people whom for a certain reason are more interested in me than I am more interested than I am in myself. Hence perhaps, they know my whereabouts, habits, likes and dislikes better than I do. And so much so that they can accurately predict almost what I intend to do next or intend to do. For this particular reason, there are some whom knows about my backgrounds expect too also the people they themselves perhaps are interested too and hence expect also to know that maybe they could get to know people from whom I supposedly know.

Therefore, I would expect a long bevy of people whom actually knows my habits, and actions and therefore in effort to gain attention of people whom they are interested in too, try to make me a little different from the rest- or in other words, make me look bad or worse than I actually am. These are things I am actually quite patently aware of, but I really did not do anything about it simply because, it would be futile to prove something that I myself am not even aware of. And at the same time, if people are all out to prove to your detriment, there is nothing you can stop them, unless they face you face to face and chat with them the reason for this particular action- otherwise if they are bent on making you stupid even if it is false, there are really nothing you can do about it.

Yesterday, I was at Holland Village having some beverage and really doing a little bit of writing. And due to the manner of the seats and the availability of them, I simply picked the one most convenient and looking the most comfortable. It did not matter that I was facing a bunch of people I don;t really hang out with-simply because I assume that since they are there in a social gathering, they should be able to conduct themselves in a manner of which is non-intrusive to those seated around them. In which they did. Hence since I was not disturbed and I was more than happy to sit there for a couple of hours.

I have seen this bunch of people before and I recognized them, they are young, daring and have a youthful alternative appeal. I then began to notice, many people casting really judgmental eyes and making me look like I was like their ring leader or something. [ In reality, most of friends were normal as hell and I am neither of the above actually- at least not to the extend of putting tattoos and studs in the noses.] For some reason too, really strange people whom I have seldom actually meet in real life began to walk in- these were people from all over the world and some people are really fascinated by this and began to follow me in as well as follow them in. There were more white people than I can remember in Singapore- I began to see them more and more often in coffee shops. There were Spanish speaking people the other day, Filipinos, Vietnamese, french, Americans, Brits, Indonesians, Indians and of course locals. There are about 1 million foreigners in Singapore and it is literally that the small coffee house contained like a dozens of different nationalities.

I was in the bus earlier, I was sitting next to several Caucasians, Filipinos, Indonesians and Japanese housewives- in a bus, excuse me. Maybe these snoopers thinking that I always surrounded by these melting pot of people are looking for some action- continue to display hyper-defensive attitude and make them look a little more available than most.

Actually i am aware of these little actions that tries to massage the context and environment which I situate in- normally once again, I let it slide simply because if the snoopers had made the effort to do this, what makes you think that there are other snoopers waiting too, to do something otherwise.

I am just fortunately unfortunate and if for some reason, like the previous entry I had indicated, they engage in these premeditated and calculated manner- they are really psychopaths and stalkers with no personal respect for privacy or really they want it so bad, that they are willing to do anything and these people are dangerous to handle. I just let them their fifteen minutes of fame, insofar that they keep quiet and allow me to do my thing.

Even if I look like Frankenstein or guppy, I will make them look fabulous insofar they do not intrude into what I am doing. [ by the way, there was this guy whom was sleeping and intruding into space- I just gave him big tongue lashing]

Good Night

Cheers

Eugene

Phallus Symbol

I realise that some people will do anything perhaps just to gain an upper hand on anything. That includes the perception and projection of power. This is especially so if you have lots of experience and have an idea roughly how to project that and to gain compliance from people willingly, unwillingly, consciously or subconsciously. This ability is coupled with prevailing values, some psychological word play, a lot of figurative arm twisting and some form of latent bribery- of give and take between people of mutual interest.

It is not that I do not recognize that in real life, it is just that I find it chore to always watch every single gesture, and to time that to perfection and in sync with other people's mutual interest. In reality, I know that I have been a victim of alot tomfoolery regarding how I absorb things in class, and really the perception I project out to the opposite sex. I totally recognize that and at times, I was sort of "played out" in this manner. It is not that I do not care, but I really just find it a chore to do things in such a contrived manner that possession is like a manner of simply gaining compliance and acceptance. Perhaps, in this manner, in the conventional world, these people would probably be more successful in getting what they want- and that I do not deny- but I do not see any meaning in just in this particular case: a possession for possession sake.

My assumption in this case is that: for you or for one to act in such a calculated and premeditated manner, you must either be a psychopath with no respect for boundaries or that you must really want it so badly that you would act in a manner which you would give up many things in order to possesses it. Either case, I am not in the business of 1) being Clarice Starling in Silence of Lambs but in a wolf in sheep clothing's way 2) bother with one which obviously puts a price so high that he does not mind being seen, projected or spend as such.

I was watching David Letterman's interview with a young and beautiful actress: Jennifer Lawrence and I can totally relate to that above. He was simply planting in her head to say yes to a figurative "sexual act" by the manner of placing his hands and in phrasing the question in a manner which she could not say no. Either way, she fears offending him or basically saying something that isn't true.

Hence then the after effect would be that in the second meeting, Jennifer Lawrence cannot help but remember that she had said yes to a "sexual act" by way of figure of speech- but in reality, she really did not have a choice at all.

I am not going to act pure or anything or pretend that I am really a saint, and I am not. The difference is that I do it in manner which unambiguously open and always leave open a choice- I do not engage in covert psychological word play- and make the opposite person feel guilty or wronged that she led me on. In other words, she doesn't have a choice but to sleep with me simply because she said "yes" earlier.

Can you imagine if David Letterman interviewed her for the second time- for work or otherwise- and he did the same gesturing again and perhaps creatively switching the question instead, would Jennifer Lawrence have a chance to say no, and then maybe for the third time and the fourth time: do you then see the pattern. And eventually then, Jennifer Lawrence, oh well, might as well. Since she cannot win it, might as well just join in.

And on David Letterman's part, there is really nothing to lose: He will get to keep the job since she is above 18 anyway, and maybe will even increase his viewership and appeal.

In reality, I am a victim of the above myself, which means that my peers and I have been sidelined simply because of this projection of power on the female audience- and well since they have "bribed" my peers somewhat and they are in a position of authority, there is nothing much we can do about it actually. I did not pander to their wants because I did not want to corrupt my learning, even if I have a corrupted mind. Even if I get a lower grade or harder task, I would rather work harder, rather exchange for something as ephemeral as this. I would rather look bad or look stupid and walk out learning a little bit more than having learned nothing at all simply because the teacher gave me an easy time.

The teacher flipped on the words and said one thing one time and said another, another time- well other students kept quiet, well, they really don't care that much because the teacher gave them an easy ride.

I knew everything was premeditate and calculated, I just let it slide simply everyone have short changed themselves. The teacher lost the basic spirit of teaching, the students lost the spirit of learning. Well for the female audience, I can only say that do not try something you are unsure of and think that you can outfox them. Ask yourself, who is on your side, not tomorrow but rather 10 years later and then you will get your answer.

I will leave it to everyone to decide what is best for them.

Nights all.

Eugene

P/S: Look below for the video, and watch how Jennifer Lawrence was so uncomfortable at certain points and how when the sexually-laden questions are asked, where is David Letterman's hands-cue it it's a phallic symbol.

Your conscience

I have been smart and I always have a way around things. At the same time, I have an uncanny ability to know what people want. This makes me more important than I am actually made out to be.

I have ability to connect to people and somehow flesh out their inner most fear's and make the best out of them- I also have the ability to see people on all different levels. The difference however is not mutual. This means that I know what people want and that doesn't mean people know what I want.

The problem becomes extremely chronic when everyone has an vested interest in me- and everyone thinks that they have my best interest at heart and knows exactly I want or should want- but in reality, they merely project their wishes or desires onto me. They merely see what they don't have or wish to have onto me- and for some cosmic reason- that they would attain a certain amount of fulfillment from that.

You can only do that if you are an inanimate object like God or some idol where the only response- you would get is one asking you to do your own part and not projecting your own image onto somebody else. This is further compounded by the emotional attachment and investment that some have placed onto me as I am able to reflect their fears and desire in a manner of which they have hardly felt such intensity for.

Hence they have unhealthy possession over something which they do not know very well- thinking that they have a right over something simply because a connection has been made. Hence they have placed me on a pedestal of which I am quite unworthy of. I have become nothing more than a collection of qualities which they believed to be idealized version of someone they aspire to be or should be or want to be.

Maybe, I am better in many areas than many but that does not make me an ideal. Hence the only response for many hence is not one of understanding or recipocricity but rather one of master/slave, higher/lower, worker/manager type of relationship- simply because any other way makes me that difficult to understand. They justify all these actions simply circularly believed that they have the right hence they can do what they want.

Maybe the above is all really just very abstract things to most, but in sum, what this means is that, when you have the right or believed that you have the right- justify by some reason that you deemed is altrusitic or otherwise; which crosses the conscience barrier-, it doesn't mean you can do anything. Just because you can doesn't mean that you should. I can evoke the conscience argument again, but it just simply means that, some part of you will die when you do that however you strongly feel about that.

Eugene Signing off.

When it is time, it is time

There are many guys whom have absolutely the wrong idea about me. They have the idea that I know everything but in reality, I am just being used by women to get what they want from men. I am nothing more than the bait and the reward is nothing more than stringing all the guys along just to get what they want. I am not too sure who is the guy who really got fooled. The guy who got fooled the most is the one led by the nose by the actions of others rather than the person who is being targeted as the fool.

In reality, I am already privy of what they want in their head, most of the time, I sit there and watch the show and see human nature in display. There is nothing more instructive than seeing the explosive actions of which is really just un-expended energy in display and demonstrating their motivations. Their motivations are so easily being exposed simply because they did not use their head to think. They have used their desire and other emotions to dictate their actions causing them to be utterly exposed into what will motivate them. When I know your bottom, I know how to price myself. Apparently, the price of many in reality is so low that it is really easy to get what they want.

And in reality, I am really their best friend rather than their main competitor. The very fact that they see me as their main competitor already exposed their position and that they have thrown their hat into the ring and would have name a price. To tease the ego abit, the would have to raise their exertions insofar to get their pot at the end of the rainbow. But eventually what they did was to approve every single action that I did that was to their interest and then insofar see who will put in the most effort and viola- either way she wins- simply because the option is on her end and not their's.

Hence even if she does not like the end product, she simply walk away with all the previous gains that have been accrued. How does one lose in such a bargain? Someone have to pay for all the option and at the end of the day, she can still reject it regardless of the price and effort. This means that throw in your money, and if I don't like you at the end of the day, I get to keep everything you give me and you get nothing. There is nothing you can do about it. You are paying for an option she can exercise- what logic is that?

Luckily, the commodity only runs for a good 10 years, until the person turns about 30 when the value really starts to drop and with each passing year, new faces with more fashionable exterior will come in and commanding more popularity hence, this value- or perceived value in many will really start deteriorating with each passing day literally.

Hence I have no idea why some guys view me with such vehemence when literally, I am just a tool played by woman- and in reality, I didn't even do anything- you did, or rather you think that I did.

Woman who like you will never lead you on- that is something I know for sure. Hence if you are led by the nose by some woman, you better ask yourself why. She doesn't like you at all- the choice is always yours.

That's why I know those that avoid you the most, are the one's who can't bear to see you the most. That's why, you must try the hardest- that's if the feeling is mutual- until when it is best to move on.

Be-early Valentine's Day.

I have nothing going on that is.

Nights

Eugene

The Youth

We are only young once-some might say. The funny thing that when I was younger, I have never thought that my youth was any of a commodity. But there are some whom will beg to differ. Your youth only stretches as far as when you are 30- anything after that, you are no longer fresh and juicy, you might be considered too tough for consumption or too bitter to be palatable. Hence to many, youth is highly prized.

The youth on the other hand do not know what they have. It is in their belief that being young, frivolous and demanding is their prerogative and believed that everything should be handed on a silver platter for them. Hence they have a tendency of placing themselves on the top shelf thinking that their value is unquestionable. Their value is unquestionable insofar that they are young- the value itself is fungible and decaying, hence sometimes I wonder where they have the confidence to have an attitude of indifference, a nonchalance which only comes when by inaction begets positive attributes. Insofar that as far as I am concerned, the value of youth is such that of youthful enthusiasm untainted by realistic constraints of life, energy which only comes from a hopeful attitude towards life, an innocence which is charming insofar that does not see the road ahead of you- a natural paternal and maternal instinct which is evoked by nostalgia. Beyond that, the value of youth is nothing more than energy and nostalgia.

I am able to observe this behaviour because I dress myself as nothing more than their equal and attempt to mingle with them like nothing more than their equal. The reaction is very often rather canny- the attitude of innocent nonchalance or a devilish impudence. They do not realised that they have been led to believed that they are extremely valuable but does not realised that their turn is coming up soon pretty soon in the next few years or they wish to levered on the physical differences and aim to extract the maximum value from it- not realising that the extraction is not that valuable considering that youth is literally everywhere.

For the former, they have put themselves so high up on the pedestal that they do not realized that they have been artificially held up by people much older than them- hence they have eyes so high that they believed that their value would last forever and when a few years later, they realised it is no longer true as there will always be younger people, the world would go crashing down on them.

For the latter, they do not realised that it is only when they are younger that people would want or care to teach you more things but when you chose the fastest or the easiest route- you literally lost the chance to gain experience from people around you. And when you are older, no one will teach you simply because you are expected to know.

It is a cultural belief for older men to go for younger women, they have legitimize this simply by convincing everyone around them- including the young women and themselves- that it is worth all the effort. The young women of course does not know that they are on a rotating door of younger women that's all- because they cannot see anything below them or did not look below them. The younger women believe that simply because the pedestal is so high such that the ordinary man cannot reached the same level- but really the only commodity she have is youth. She is simply too expensive for her peers- she is better off to be displayed at branded shop window- but she does not realised that her value is fungible, but she will, and plastic surgery will become her desperate measure. That to me is of little value- unless I am a tycoon looking for a arm candy or wall flower at home.

The latter on their hand cheapen themselves insofar to gain more resources faster. I might have been guilty of this- without realising it- but it is always best to withdraw when you are no longer able to sustain it. But ethically, I am clean as a whistle but there are other's whom want to get the shortcut to success without taking a risk. I took a risk, I know but for other's they want to bend the rules without putting themselves up for sale. It doesn't work that way. They want to get through life by offering themselves and thinking that the youth will get through the doors of success faster than anyone whom did not work for it. I worked for it, just faster; they did not work for it, but they want it faster and easier that's all. Hence the tactics employed is often that of emphasizing the age differences and benefits resulting from this age differences. I must say, some more experienced people still fall for that simply because it is easier to go along with that rather than suffer the agony of being teased at for being older and less physically mobile and also having to prevent oneself from being outside the "clique". But people never think, who benefits more being in the "clique", not you but them. This is "school" all over again, just that it is not geek or the fat boy but the old guy or spinster at the corner or at the corner office.

Having been through the first 30 years of my life, taking in the benefits of youth- I looked back and not with nostalgia but rather reflecting on the differences in the behaviour. My friends have graduated from this youthful period, they have married and become relatively successful but somehow I do not see them with much envy. But rather that, I suspect they can never let go of their youthful aspiration just because one reaches 30. One simply did not turn from hopeful to mature and experienced by a switch of a number, hence in their mind- and I have seen it with my own eyes as well- They are guilty of the perpetuating the above as much as they are of younger set taking advantage of it today. Why: I know the difference and I feel the difference- there is a difference- I mix with them, on the same level, context and playing field, and I can't get even relate to them. They didn't even try.

If I can feel the difference- and it is only a few years, what more of those older than me- or much older- you are responsible for the present state of matters as much as the youth are responsible for their "guilty" or "sinful" ways.

Blame

There is a tendency for people to construct a reality of which to their particular advantage. When we walk into shopping malls, the architecture is such that it is created to maximize eyeballs and traffic into particular areas. Music are played to the effect that influence buying decisions. This works only if you have a particular outcome or objective in mind: of which perhaps is to maximize traffic flow or increase sales.

This on other hand, does not work if you do not know what you are going to do next or especially things that you are not able to quantify. The only effect that one would achieve from such structured patterns is such that the ultimate outcome is something quantifiable and not something experiential. Insofar, this is because, experiential in itself is not quantifiable.

Can you imagine going to a shopping mall- where it's only objective is say therefore to make everyone happy but does not really know how to measure it. Ultimately, what happen is that people would come into the shopping mall would come yes, but they will not leave and neither would they buy anything whatsoever- simply because being there makes them happy.

Hence when we attempt to circumvent reality of which to create decisions to our particular advantage, one must be clear of what one is trying to achieve. Rather than, haphazardly having one singular objective in mind, be it benign or malign, the ultimate outcome would always turn out to your disadvantage- simply because you paid too much effort into something that you don't even know what you want from it.

When you walk into embassy or imposing government institutions, the architecture on the other hand foreboding. The doors are small, and the structure is almost concrete in nature- and sometimes can be quite unfriendly. There is a sense of tension and security within the environment- this is to create a sense of safety and power onto the audience. Imagine, if one is attempting to build a shopping mall-like embassy, do you feel safe walking into your country's embassy and with "Lana Del Rey" playing in the background and people idling away at the cafe sitting for hours with their laptop. You would think someone is conducting a surveillance mission there.

Hence therefore, when we wish to circumscribe reality and especially one whereby someone is trying to create a decision to it's particular advantage, it is best to think of what one is trying to achieve rather than an unadulterated pursuit of one particular objective.

Therefore, one should not blame people for not buying from a shopping mall with an embassy-like architecture and silence as it's background noise. One should really reflect on one's incapability to manipulate mise-en-scene to it's best advantage rather than blame on the audience incapable to play ball with what is really just inept contextual construction.

Never blame the customer/audience, blame yourself for not understanding them.

Remember who is the active and passive actor: Why should the passive actor be compelled to be active in the first place. And you blame the passive actor for being actor- so do you blame the dog for being a dog?

The Hole and the Images

A few years back I was watching this rather nondescript film called "The Hole". It's been quite a few years and so I might not be able to remember the exact storyline. But it was not about the storyline: it was actually about "the hole".

In the movie, a bunch of teenagers discovered a hole- "a bottomless pit" which seems to lead nowhere. And if I remember correctly, one of them actually fell into the "hole" and discovered all the fears that have been harbouring in the head and eventually manifested in the "hole" which came and haunt them.

The best part was that before dropping into the "hole", they put a video camera in and they saw the images of a: "one eye monster". But when they actually fell into it, it was actually a bottomless pit filled with their own personal demons.

The "hole" was not a gateway to hell, it was your personal "hole"- your little "lack" of which you constantly strive to compensate your whole entire life. Your personality was built around this "little" hole. The bigger the hole, the larger the compensation. There is an adage to the "empty vessel making the most noise"- and this is form of which crystallizes your own personal psychological state.

I have recently noticed the insecurity of many men. The post-industrial age means that strength and other forms of archaic skills are no longer relevant- and insofar then masculinity are tied to these images of times of which the hunter-gatherer, the knight, the steel mill worker dominate the popular landscape. Today's men are so confused that they jumped onto any fad of which to justify their manhood.

The images of Western cowboy, gun slinging in the wild Wild West and with Marlboro cigarette still dominates the modern landscape. In place of western cowboy is the rebel without a cause, James Dean and in today's age, these images continues to stick in popular culture, trying to demonstrate unbridled masculinity in face of the cigarette being the anti-thesis of healthy living and living a life long enough to show your real manhood. The cigarette is the little hole called the manhood of which everyone attempts to find the justification for their differentiation from "La Femme".

In the movie, the image of scarred childhood dominated by a violent father haunt one of the characters, in popular images, it is the fear of the "La Femme" which defines one masculinity. It is not the violent father but rather, the fear of being obselete which haunts the modern man. Definitively male products is defined as aggressive lines but not practicable in real life. One can say that the interest which separates our division of labour previously is no longer congruent with popular values.

Therefore nostalgia and fantasy have us believed that we can have what we want and eat it as well. James Dean died before he reached 30, there was a recent show called "Cowboys versus Aliens" and that really sums it all up.

But lest we become obsessed with proving our manhood, rest assured that history have shown that are  these popular images of "unbridled masculinity" is really just popular "images" of history. For every hunter, there will be a person which sharpen the tools and the scout, for every knight, there are hundreds of pike man, for every steel worker, there are always factory and assembly line workers. In this modern age, the sportsman, the banker, the Internet entrepreneur, there are also thousands more that slogged every single day hoping to climb the rat race.

The rites of passages which defined the coming of age of yester years are nothing more than glamorized version of the progress of human culture and civilization which quite conveniently forgot about all the little people that made it possible for the world to tick today. These are snapshots of the past and not the reality. Your crisis that you faced now, is the same one that they faced 10,000 years ago, 2,000 years, 1,000 years ago, 100 years and yesterday. 100 years from now, the sportsman, the banker and the Internet entrepreneur will be nothing more than today's knight. No one actually believes them. And no, no one wants to live in that age anyway.

Hence, in today's winner's take all world, any way to differentiate oneself without really putting that much of an effort is really just a way of showing a difference without really adding value to yourself. The cigarette, the car and even the androgynous look have proven to be shortcuts of which is nothing to demonstrate the biological difference which translates into essential differences- which of course is expected to translate into tangible and material benefits. But if you think a little harder, really?

Hence, everyone really have a "hole", before you dropped into it, you will catch the glimpse of that "one eye monster", and when you dropped into it, you normally never like what you see and your video camera is really the crutch to avoid dropping into the hole- thinking that one can actually benefit without being curious and standing at sidelines looking in. You want to see what is inside, but you never see it until you confront it.

Buy yourself a camera and all you ever see is images.

Hence the strategy of many people is very simple. They never would want to jump into the little hole of their own but rather other's take the jump and transmit the images but unfortunately, all they would ever see is the eye one monster. Hence they fear the hole even more than before they first knew about it. This is the crux therefore of all envy, jealousy and latent rage. Everyone thinks that they have won but really all they ever saw is the one eye monster everyone else also see.

No one can have the cake and eat it as well.

Have you ever realised that not once did I ever mentioned about the materiality of the circumstances- it was never about me, it was always about you. In similar terms, have I said anything about you as well. Have i portray my friend, the person sitting next to me or anyone as a personal demon? It's your personal hole, and not mine. The little girl that crawl out of the hole in the second trailer and the little clown is your little nightmare that led you scrambling from door to door- closing one after another. No one closed the door, you did it to yourself because only the little boy saw it and the teenager saw it- no one did.

What about competition/comparing, about right/wrong, early/late, brighter/duller, about virtual/and real, about authentic/plastic, about passion/interest. Not once did I alluded to that. They are material because you saw the girl climbed out of the hole. You were scared- you did not know what was that.

Take care.

Have a drink and lie down.

What are you made off?

Have anyone taken a roller coaster? Have you been to those run of the mill type of roller coaster where they just basically swing you wildly and that's about it- and you have never visited those at Universal Studios- and then they tell you that this is as good as it get. You had a good time and you never question because whether there are better roller coaster out there- because well, you really had a good time.

One day, you sat on this roller coaster that no one has ever sat before and it was a ride that was so exhilarating that when you go back to your common roller coaster, you really felt short changed. When everyone tries to convince you that this roller coaster that we have here is the best, and then you screamed to their head, it is not true then, all other experiences must be compared with that one roller coaster ride isn't it.

Cynicism's is not bred from apathy, it is bred from seeing other's from inside out which one can relate to. It has nothing to do with being tired or experienced or just condescending.

It is precisely because we have seen what life can bring that we see the futility of the life of many other's. On the other hand, we do not despise the way that other's live but rather empathize with the quality of the life that they have lived.

Many have mistaken life is enjoyment and moralizing is simply a hindrance on the guilty pleasures that life can bring. Trust me, you can take that same roller coaster ride every single day and enjoy that moment as often as you like and that I would still tell you the same thing. It is not because I am not convinced, it is just that if life is only about experience than let me tell you- there is always better ones out there. You can stand in your roller coaster and laughed all those scared little people afraid to take this thrill but I can tell you that it is not about sitting in that roller coaster that matters.

But it is about walking to the roller coaster when you are scared that matters. It is not about banning all roller coasters because it disrupts productive life but rather about how you walk up to circus master and tell him to stop. It never did involved any roller coaster in the first place.

I have seen many a people who have stood on roller coaster and laughed at the cowardice of everyone else. I have seen people standing outside the circus and protesting against their existence. But most of all I have seen the most is that of people looking at the ruckus caused and just watched. That is apathy.

Many people have mistaken quality of life with enjoyment of life. Many have swing so much to either end that they think decadence is the one way and another believes that living a moral right is the right way. Either way requires you to look at life straight in the eye and tell it what you want to do. The other way would be to just look away and pretend that someone knows it better than yourself what is life about.

Not everyone can be a star on a big stage but everyone can be a star of their own life- that much is pretty clear. Living vicariously through another person, entity or abstract concept just means that you allow someone else to take over your life. But are you ready for that yourself in the first place?

I'll leave it to you to decide.

Eugene

My Boogie

How do you define as a social relationship. For some, it is seen as a gainful social interaction of which is characterized by a cordial engagement. This means that all social interaction is formalized by the very fact that one must have direct verbal conversation to consider as a typical social interaction.

Hence then insofar perhaps, Micheal Jackson must be the most social person since his words are heard by millions and billions of people but where the opposite party is not heard at all. Social interaction is not just defined by this particular manner. Any form of action of which derives a social function of which to communicate a certain message in any way is consider a proper social interaction.

Hence when one act in opposite reaction of which is expected and insofar that he/she is trying to tell me something- be it hostile or otherwise- is consider a social interaction.

In recent times, I have began to realise that everywhere I go, everyone is trying to tell me something. It is like everyone single moment, everyone is screaming into my ear and grabbing my eyeballs and telling me that come and look me and hear what I have to say. I never get bored of this silent communication of which sometimes I honestly find it rather amusing.

Sometimes, I almost feel the world knows me better than I know myself. It is like trying to anticipate my every single thought and every single move. Everyone is my friend and my enemy all at the same time. I feel like I am Mark Zuckerburg with friends everywhere I go of which knows everything about me but I nothing about them.

Things always happen around me for some apparent reason- and I consider this as one of the most social activities in this world. Can you imagine being known without needing to introduce yourself and for some apparent reason, even when no red carpet is being rolled, it never ceases to amaze the extend of which developments unfold of which to capture my emotional salience. This require more effort than treating me like a star.

You ask me whether I have friends, I have friends everywhere, I make interactions every single minute of my life. Initially, it feels like it is extremely intrusive to my privacy but I began to see that the amount of effort everyone puts in to instill a level of emotional salience- be it benign or malign- is almost flattering. Can you imagine being the centre of the focus all the time without trying.

If all actions are couched towards advocating a certain emotional reaction, insofar then I consider this as a social interaction- why: because it is trying to tell me something, because you are "talking" to me- even though half the time I don't know what you are trying to drive at.

Sometimes, I think the world knows me better than I know myself. It is trying to warn me about things, trying to morally guide me and of course also get angry at me. If these emotions are not social, then what is: it is me who is anti-social whom is quite incapable of agreeing with them or replying them back. Therefore, I like to apologize to the world for all the time and effort into impressing upon me the existence of my inner most fears and desires and me not able to acknowledging them all of them. It is really a shame the amount of fruitful intentions into communication that insofar that I am quite incapable of acknowledging every single one of them.

 
The biggest form of flattery is always imitation- be it to impress or to frustrate. Although, I get irritated when people imitate or follow my every single move- I must say that it must have hit a raw nerve inside of them to really remember the minute nuances of my actions. My little muscle spasm or my nonchalant swipe at boogie in sometimes not so private areas. I really thank you for all the gentle reminders of which much effort must have been laid to impress upon me my most gentle actions is under tight scrutiny. You must really hate or loved me for making all these arrangements insofar to remind me of my unfounded insecurities.

I would like to say I am extremely insecure about exposing my most private moments of which to show my most vulnerable sides. Everything that is arranged to hit a raw nerve, really did hit a raw nerve.

Hence in response to the overwhelming demand of which to hit my most vulnerable areas and weakest spot, I would like to congratulate you that you have succeeded and I feel extremely insecure about showing my ugly and unsavoury side and at the same extremely guilty to succumb to human sins of which it seems only I should be impervious to. Trust me, I really do hear you and feel for you and feel your efforts. It really hurts so bad that I find it difficult to express in words.

Everyone is so nice to me and so cordial to me and at the same so socially inviting to me- even though I would have to expand the definition a little- that I feel terrible for not responding in kind.

Therefore I would like to take this moment to express my gratitude towards me for showering me with so much time, effort, coordination, patience and communication- and all other qualities- of which to remind me that I have no privacy that I feel you and I just like to say that: The pleasure is all mine.

P/S: A big boogie just came from out my nose. It is extremely satisfying to say the least.

Cheers

Eugene

Seeing further than your eyes can see.

You know that you have a reach a quarter life crisis when you have no idea what you want for the next 30 years.

You probably might know what you want in a next few years but it is probably beyond the next few years that scares the living day lights out of everyone. Everyone starts to imagine that beyond the horizon is the end of the world and everything will just fall off like it when we didn't know that the earth is round and it is gravity that is pulling us together.

To be sure, I would have never thought I would have this form of dilemma. I would have think that having a good time for the last 30 years would give me the fatigue of a person that has too good a time for the first part of my life and see that I would fall into place with all the trappings of middle class family with 2.1 or now 1.4 kids and tattered boxers on Sundays.

I still wear tattered boxers on Sundays and strangely enough, I do not have the inclinations for the above and the harder I try to fall into place- the harder it seems to reject me. It almost seems that my past has almost caught up with me that having a good time does not make me a good specimen for the boring middle class life.

I am trying desperately to be fit in a as a Joneses but the strange thing is that the middle class wants my previous life- which is rather strange and unexpected actually. The Joneses that I know, hate me to the core and think that I am a vermin to their peaceful life.

But I think everyone settles eventually for something less than ideal, but really now- the "compromised" solution has something against me. This compromised solution which I was so ready to accept in the future when I was studying- in anticipation of this, I did not delay my gratification then but still got away with this- apparently want to me consume further.

The thing is that I always thought that there would be payback- when I was studying- but there was almost none forthcoming which made me wonder whether the song by the "Third Eye Blind" was true: "The Semi-Charmed Life".

To be sure, I would never expect to live a high life- I have middle class values and anything that I did not work for does not belong to me, that part is true. Swishing around in fanciful mise-en-scene is never my thing and conspicuous consumption and leisure to differentiate the classes: by Thorstein Veblen, was something I have never practiced and really do not know how to do that. I'll leave it to the old-monied to do their thing.

Hence I found it quite difficult to understand this rather strange situation that I am in and the images that have fed me before seems to be broken today and my "payback" did not come.

It is safe to say that the modern condition is such that gratification precedes everything else- instantaneous ones that is- but the payback does not always comes in the forms that you expect. Rome was not built in a day neither was it destroyed in a single day as well. That is always been the condition that have always preceded the previous generation- the lament of time gone by.

The current generation is always more debauchery than the last, and that there always reside an existential crisis of acceptance or envelopment. The dichotomy has been false and has always been false. It is almost like the force of history is undeniable and that all trends is irreversible- which trend has remain irreversible, can anyone with even an inkling of history tell me that?

Evil used to reside in dark woods, now they say it exist in the internet and the computer. They say that science was evil just a few hundred years ago and now look around you. They also say that atomic bomb was the end of the world and how many countries rely on nuclear energy to power the countries.

They say that there is this irreversible trajectory of evil that continues to engulf every form of society, that whats they say about lonely sad woman who practiced abit of esoteric magic- and burned them as witches. Now in certain parts of world, some women are stoned to death for being- raped-. Now who is more evil then?

It is always easy to see things in black and white, good and evil- but everything in hindsight, seen in particular context have met with tragedy, whats make it anymore different now.

Hence seen from this context, I am in a limbo- I still do not know what to do with my life, and as apparently the compromised solution of- sailing only far enough to fish- is not good enough for modern life. But we'll see.

P/S: when Galileo told the world earth was round and not flat, no one believed him. I wouldn't be surprised that you don't to.

Categorically happy

You know that you are in a limbo when you are really don't give a damn about who you are with.

At a certain stage in life, you just don't really care whether you have anyone to go out with. Today is a day and tomorrow will be another.

If someone comes and pops up well and good- if it doesn't, then so be it as well.

This is not resignation, it's not because one can't but rather one just can't seem to muster the energy to go through the whole thing.

I think if it is not convenient, it is almost not worth the effort. And the best part is that effort is almost the prerequisite for everything- and the more effort, one puts in, the more inconvenient it becomes.

Once you get the feet wet, you really don't want to get it wet again if it is too troublesome. As in you get the experience of it- then you will realize that, there are so many things in this world, why the obsession with one single one.

Therefore, when you are at a particular stage, you will feel that come what may- there are a thousand and one things to fret over than constantly worry about that one thing.

Hence if it is it is to be it- then you should let sleeping dogs lie. I don't expect to have much changes in the near future and I do not wish to have it any other way.

Therefore I can categorically declare that I am happy where I am- and really don't expect much changes from me.

Tautology

This was written back 12 something on 23/1 Wednesday at Starbucks:

I am first to tell you that I really am not that prolific: but I want, i would normally get. And what I want is always something that I never have before.

You might think that I am like a wise old sage and have all the tricks up my sleeve and like a playbook of tricks that I pulled every time I want something. There is really nothing to dissect here simply because I don't even know what is the appeal in the first place.

And in the second place: I have never really chased a girl before. The only time I did: I chased for a week and well something did happen. I don't think I have ever be friends with a girl I liked. I always like the chasing part and never really liked this meandering way- it sort of take the fun out of everything.

But now, there is a hanging out culture- but well, my time is best doing things with an objective then with girls and practical stuff mixing together. I feel my time is being short-changed.

I have never ask a girl out to study on the pretext of anything else or to do a project just to get some time together. I am really not good at mixing these two together.

When I go out, it is to have dinner and to have drinks- everything else is game on. I really don't like to hang out- there must always be something to do.

That's why I tell you I have never really chased anyone before- it always sort of happen. I feel sometimes I am being conned than I am really chasing someone.

Everything else that happens always happens after that.

Maybe I am latent romantic: everything in it's good time. That's why I still have no idea how did this player thing happened- if it ever did-.

I am probably the worst player in the world I think- because when women cry I always lose. I have been tricked so many times by that, I sometimes wonder whether I should walk out or stay. But anyway, normally I stick around until I wait for a better time. Oh I never do the I dont answer your phone trick- you will know when I am getting rid of you. I just think it is plain rude and really unclassy.

For anyone who thinks that I am Lothario- you must have your head and eyes checked first.

And no, my heart is not broken. It never was. And no, I do not pine for anyone in the past, I really am happy like that- I still don't know what is the big deal.

I have many things going on before and now- why should I really regret whatever that has happened.

You can ask the taxi driver whether he wants to drive the taxi after three years on the job- they can tell you that it is for survival that's all. There is not much makan places to explore anymore.

He just want to drive to work and meet up with his fellow drivers for drinks and go home- everything else trust me, is just a bonus.

Alright, let's put out this hypothetical situation that I become terribly excited about everything. The first thing I would do is to drop everything and head to the beach right. Why the hell would I be terribly excited about things that I could and have done before.

Let me give you this 'holier than thou' speech that I know it is really cliche. I like to tell you that when you reach 30, you will be free and everything will be exciting because you have the freedom. The last thing you want to do at that age is really sleep. Any other thing is just a bonus.

And yes, when we have money, we will always find you irritating because simply you are occupying the space when you are better off somewhere else. True story.

I have studied in airport before and everywhere else- and I thought I was really fun. But now I know the security guard just want to get rid of me.

The manager is simply looking at you now- and noting how you much you are spending.

Oh, by the way, the clock will always come a full circle. The school prefect became a tattoo artist, the bad boy was the first to get married and the nerds went to the gym and became very buff. The school sportsman never got a girlfriend- strangely.

And the rest of us will simply cop out an be boring. True story. And you will forget most of them by the time you are 30 if you are worth any salt by then.

Have Fun.

The exotic

This was written at Starbucks at about 11 something on 22/1:

Disclaimer: Do not take the below literally but as a figure of speech. Essentializing anything is wrong by any context but it is always inevitable and unavoidable.

It might be difficult to explain this hamster in a threadmill concept.

You see the idea of an exotic is the 'other' it is exotic simply because it is different. Ask the American colonist whether 'negro' woman where exotic- they would tell you that you were crazy. They are 'barbarians' to them- and what if you mate with a 'barbarian', it makes you a mongrel right. I know all of these sounds racist but that is the historical context then. 100 years from now- you would either be extremely progressive or really stupid- but now, it just makes one rather stupid if your idea of an exotic is someone you 'deemed' inferior right- and just because he/she is different.

This is extremely racist I know- but this is extrapolating your rationality. I mean if you say you love the person- then sorry all these is crap now.

Let us just say that this exotic person's country becomes extremely prosperous one century later- ah then you will the jackpot- but by then you will be dead. I seriously doubt anyone thinks so far in terms of sex right.

One of the American President was considered progressive now but kept them as slaves then because he fought for their rights but he did some stuff and it was never exotic in first place. I suspect it is a manner of convenience that's all.

Hence there are in some people's mind that different is exotic and therefore positive- must be get their brain checked. Because if that is so- Abraham Lincoln must be really stupid for not treating slaves as exotic. I not saying that all exotics are slaves, I am just checking what is in the little head that's all.

There are several markers of which some people like to used to differentiate the incompatibility. 1) race 2) class 3) socio economic status 4) age

And yup, I have not get hitched for a few years now and no, I acutely aware of all these differentiating factors. But it simply just means that we are different and no simply because people ignore that doesn't mean that I must have a particular urgency to pursue that afraid of being left behind.

For one, I am not young anymore- I am not a spring chicken neither do I pretend to be one. The rest of it well- should not be a factor. Too much is too much.

There is this over-riding concern with having a breakthrough- it is sort of like a coup'de'ta to have something different from the above. Once again I have to preach to you- sometimes, it is really not worth it. Anyone who watch Korean drama with nasty rich in laws- ah, that I can tell you is true. You eat with snout at home and when you eat with them- it is really out of body experience and very uncomfortable.

I was trained to be like this- and it learnt a lot and it is really useful- but the expectations and habits are so different. But it is really hard to have the cake and eat as well. It is so tiring to eat and watch what you eat and how you eat it too- I mean literally.

Ok, assuming that omnia vinci armour: then, you better have all your pride cracked open. Otherwise, just stick with carpe diem- or seize the day.

For everyone who pretends that you can have the cake it as well- like the above- you are better off baking the cake and eating it or sharing with someone. It is a long shot and will always be a long shot- I am not sure why would anyone would have the idea why we have Korean Dramas for: provide the spectacle just so that you can forget about reality.

And just for your info: not all cleaning ladies are so pretty.

The threadmill and the cage

I was sitting outside the cinema at about 9 something in town on 22/1 Tuesday:

I wonder one very simple thing that: what is really terribly great about pretending having something when you really don't have it.

I have never pretended to be popular when I am really not. I never pretended to be successful when I really not. Less and most of all, I never pretend to be better than you when I am really not. Truth is that- I would rather sip coffee and watch the world go by than to pretend the world is in love with me or the world cares about what I think.

I used to treat everyone with pretense of any desire to be well-known with vehemence. Now I really just let it be. What is so good about being famous- you cannot eat a burger without looking stupid. I really do not understand with this obsession.

On one of the social network status, I put this as an ordinary person with average looks, short with premature balding. And I really do not understand this fixation with being interesting for the sake of it. It's like being interesting because nothing really interest you. Apathy is interesting up to a certain point- anything beyond the passive aggressive thing is simply gag-worthy.

At this moment, I have to tell you that I am at this stage. Nothing really gets me up now. I have always to hated to give this 'holier than thou' attitude but I really have to say that I really do know more than you. It's hard to know something without being preachy. But everyone gets the drift.

People interest me- not because they are interesting but they are so typical that sometimes I find it more interesting to note the habits than to show any interest.

Have you watch the hamster run the threadmill and have you run on the threadmill before- do you know the difference now.

Running the threadmill is fun when at the end of it, you get the reward- but when you are the owner- what is more interesting- or stepped outside the cage and see your peers running on it. You found it almost silly when it is better to run across the hallway.

Some people have asked me why do you allow people to make fun of you or disrespect you- my answer is: have you ever seen the hamster run the threadmill in a cage and keeping their storage underneath a coat of sand built by you. And when they see you, they run the threadmill- in hope of more food or other form of deviant exertions.

Yes, it is sad I know. But the only cure for this is amnesia and the only other choice would be to stay outside the cage and allow the fools to rush in.

You see the sad thing would be that your friends and people whom you run the threadmill with are still inside the cage- refusing to step outside it and see things beyond the threadmill. And the moment you mention this little 'secret' to them- they freeze- because that is the only thing that they know or will ever know.

Hence would you run back to the cage if you are me or run around the hallway- 'abandoning' your 'comrades'. The only ever thing that one would ever do is what is beyond the hallway and not what is underneath the threadmill.

Not sure- why it always comes back to women or sex. The above is quite different from it. Assuming that I have bed all the women from different countries- does that make me the hamster running across the hallway. It would if I want to be Maquis de Sade or Don Juan- but trust me there are many other things more important than ejaculation.

Just the other day, I decided to buy some books just for the heck of it. I found out that Holly Golightly is really a call girl unequivocally and not just a social escort like in the movie. Now- what is the big deal- seriously. Can you imagine all the girls who wants to Audrey Hepburn in breakfast at Tiffany's is really trying to be a high class prostitute- now what is so glamorous about that.

And can you see all the girls on the thread mill- trying to be a high class prostitute now... If I put it like that, it really sounds ridiculous- but read the book, true story.

So, anyone would wants to be anyone and tries to be do something just for the heck of it or think that it is what it is made up to be: will bear the brunt of the full force of reality- sooner or later. You have your reward, that's because I want you to- you sucker. Go and be your Audrey Hepburn- you will enjoy it and wait till the end- by the way she was the mafia's moll and messenger as well. Reality will not ship you off to Brazil to marry a future PM with fugitive though. It will most likely from Trainspotting- puking into a disused toilet bowl- as a druggie.

Hence anyone can be anyone you want or be with just insofar that remember: Breakfast at Tiffany's is a book and a movie- and she was orphan and was a pedophilia victim. Seriously.

Pandora's Box at the Office: Part 2

This was written at about 7 something to 8 something at a cafe in town on 22/1 Tues:

I can safely tell you that I have never worked for money in my life before. Not that, I have always been provided for but rather money has always been a means to an end than an end itself.

I can safely tell you that the amount of money that I bragged about is not because I am extremely proud of it but rather I still don't understand what's the big hooha about having that much money.

I have walked into the Sentosa houses worth more than $40 million dollars before and have met people with more money than God- and all they really want is some privacy that's all.

All they ever wanted was someone to advise them somberly and not look at the number or zeros in their account and go salivating. They are so ordinary that you would think that they belong to retiree home. I have signed a deal worth more than half a million dollars at the void deck of a three room HDB flat.

I have signed a loan deal over the phone worth more than 5 million dollars without once meeting them formally. I still don't understand the concept of looking the part of being professional and all so expert.

I bought a house worth more than our current HDB flat with my mom within 2 hours of viewing the showflat- and I still don't see the big deal about my apartment really.

I still don't really what is the big deal about working for the sake for working and looking nice doing it. I have to work I know but if you worked in a oil rig earning half a million dollars and looking dirty- the choice is rather clear.

Most office workers who knocked on time do not earn more than $4,000 dollars trust me. There is really nothing to shout about when you have a car to pay, KTV to go and LV wallets to buy.

Most people enjoy the idea of working and not why they work in the first place. They like to feel productive but the productivity does not commensurate with the money though. Hence they engage in mundane activities that never add value to their c.v or company- they like to be looked to be working than really working.

Hence when I started to work- it was rather frustrated with the ineptness of many. They had the capacity to do but for some apparent reason- they refused to see the importance of doing what is useful rather than what should be.

It was not that difficult to move up in that environment because simply I did anything to achieve my objective. And I have my own personal agenda in mind as well- the idea was rather simple- would you do something if you have the choice to do- and if it is yes, what is stopping you?

And if it means getting the job down just to get your job done- why is there so many other constraints.

I am going to sound like a maverick in a company but everyone who knows me at work that I am anything but. I didn't produce miracles- I just do anything that have to done that's all.

And if they don't pay me enough to do all these and it does nothing to my career- why bother with a stinking company in the first place.

I would be first to voice out and last to complain. I have spoke out to management before regardless of their rank and no one has ever complained about my work ethic once.

They will know- the results count for itself really. They just refused to see it and I refused to comply if it doesn't suit my career objectives. Why should I- you hire me to do a job and I am here on a salary and I have my youth to think of to.

Yes, I should have respect but I respect the position and not the person- if it doesn't warrant it- and if there is an issue, i always go through proper channels and never circumvent the position. Hence till this day, I still have a good c.v and my reputation precedes me most of the time and they always get what they want and more. Whatever they sticks is most hearsay and whatever that is inside is always evidential- hence do you ever think that I cannot do the job, not once have that doubt crossed my mind.

The pastures is always greener on the other side- I am the other side- not the other company. This has never been lost in my mind- they just cannot handle it that's all.

I have heard so many weird stories about me from me forging signatures to transfer money to my account to me and that's why I have so many things to things like I slashed price and share things indiscriminately.

How can I be sharing things indiscriminately when most of the info belongs to me. If I am smart and people believed me and think is valuable- which part of the information that comes from my mouth belongs to the company.

I did my private research and people have faith in me- which part of the faith is proprietary to the company- surprises me.

And if I eat salmon sandwich for lunch and suddenly salmon sandwich becomes popular- does it mean that my diet also belongs to the company.

I eat because I like to eat- whatever does it got to do with my work.

And even if I am overdoing part of my job- what has that got to with my colleagues- I am underpaid, not you right. I have my own agenda and maybe the boss likes me for being underpaid- so can you- but I still have a better c.v than most right. So really who is the stupid one.

Hence my c.v is still the best record- whatever anyone can say. And do you really afraid that I would be jobless for long- apparently more people are more worried about me than I am about myself.

Like I always say, do not confuse what I can have with what I don't have.

Anyway, I have many friends pressing home their career 'superiority'- the best part that many have told me is that they have travelled around the world- but doing the same thing. How has doing the same thing and travelling around the world figure in a c.v continues to surprise me. Unless you are interviewing to be a tour guide or something that is.

I have travelled to a few countries- paid by company- to have fun that is.

I am never pressing home to say that I have best career that everyone has- but there isn't a need to say that I am better than you because I travel around the world. An air steward travels more often than you. There isn't really a need to compare who makes more money than you- unless you are chasing a gal- and if the gal chooses on that account, I would gladly step aside.

I am just glad that you have been promoted so many times and have a glamourous job- I am not jealous, I am not sure why is there a need to prove one is right.

Well the difference is that i made the strait times and you didn't- I didn't say it- they said it. So just suck it ok.

Pandora's Box

This was written at Coffee Bean in town at about 5 something on 22/1 Tuesday:

When I was university, I wanted any girl- anyone will do- I just went for the any Mary or Jane. I am not sure why- because I think it was time to be stupid I suppose. But I went home with a bachelor and merit at the end of three years in spite of spending the night before the exam at the karaoke anyway.

When I was 17, I don't even want a girlfriend. The only reason I had one was because my head was bursting just before the exam and I had to tell someone that I sort of crush on and we got together after the ' O' levels- just so I can clear my head. True story.

But anyway, she believed it and we moved along and I still managed to make it to university and was in school football team and was the class rep all at the same time- and so you can still suck it. I am perfect I know.

When I started to work, all I ever wanted to do was to get my mom off my back just so that she won't come after me. I quit once and told her I wanted to be a writer- and she flipped.

Ok, the writer thing didn't work out but I was an editor of a one off magazine which was started by a few guys I met over the Internet. It was one issue and I did the editing.

Then one day, I looked into my account and realised that there wasn't much money and hence I decided to start work again and the writing thing became a part time thing. And suddenly 3 years after graduation, I felt an insane urge to do well- so I worked my ass off.

Not sure why, that 2-3 years of my life brought me to this point. Now, I can safely tell you that I can walk into any firm and they will hire me on the spot. Just so that my 2-3 years is worth 20 in many people's c.v.

And when you have such a c.v- everyone treats you like the boss and it helps getting whatever you want. People come to you and not the other way around.

Women I would have to say become quite dispensable- I have to say. But not to say that it was one-sided, they have made use of me too so I have really nothing to complain.

I really don't think a lot about my ex-girlfriends really. The only time, i ever remember is when people reminds me about it. And I really don't see why people is so hung up who I go out with or whom I have went out with.

Although, sometimes I wish we were still together but when we have broken up, we have broken up and if you have ability to court her- please be my guest. There is a reason that everything didn't turn out fine and if you so wish and if anyone is up to it- I won't stop you. It's her life and not mine to say no- regardless of whatever history.

This is really a rather simple concept- yes I do get jealous and no, I stick to the principle that when everyone has broken up- please be my guest. I have no idea why do people have this idea that just because I am human I would forget all my experience over the years.

I still stand by everything that my door is always open regardless of who you are or what you did- it is your prerogative to knock it. And I will not let my personal exertions get in the way of the things I have learnt over the years.

I am not a choir boy- and I won't deny it. And no I have never smoked before even if it is so alluring and likewise what makes anyone think that just because one has experience, one is incapable of controlling one's impulses- continues to puzzles me.

In fact, once you look back- one will realize that there is nothing really mysterious about the whole thing- no matter who fun it was then. It was really confusing and scary at first, and then it was interesting and lastly then it becomes fun. But once you reached that stage- it becomes like work. There are things that you HAVE to do- and then you make lots of risk/reward calculation in your head. Was it really worth all the trouble when it becomes like work.

Hence I used to stare at beautiful woman with awe but now, the first thing that goes into my head is that, is she going to be a princess. And really if so, how much red carpet do I have to pull. The left side of my brain kicked off faster than other parts of my head now.

I know it really is practical but everyone knows it- they just are in different stages that's all.

By the way, I am talking about romance- I am not sure what you are thinking about.

Movable and Immovable objects

This was written on the train towards town at about 4 something in the noon on 22/1 Tuesday:

I have driven my car for 10 years before selling it last year to fund an education.

The car was not purchased by me- it was given to me when I first got my driving license by my grandma.

The first thing I ever noticed after selling the car was how the car ads in the media made envy burn so badly that it is almost a given to have a car or you just haven't made it.

The fact is that I never felt superior when I was driving a car even when I was schooling. I didn't even ask for it- it was given to me. Hence I have never felt the big hoo ha over having a car or not.

I only recently felt this rather strange fixation with cars and the superiority complex it bestowed on the owners- just to be sure- there was no loan on the car, I owned it and I didn't even felt it was a big deal.

I could have ask for a sexier car of course- but to me the car was getting from A to B and it just so happened that I have something to drive. It was beat up Japanese car with air con breaking down several times after driving for 7 years- of course it was new at first.

My second car was even more surreptitious. One day, I received a call that I was getting a newer car albeit a second hand one and it drove way better than a 7 year car. Again I didn't ask for anything. Hence I have never felt any worst or any better driving a car- maybe it was anomaly I don't know.

The only ever thing I missed having a car is the ability to drive out in the middle of the night to have supper or to the beach and it helps to drive when one is clubbing though.

But then now, these things are not very important and I don't really do these type of things very often nowadays anyways. Besides, it's a ok ride and not a souped up ride then is a chick magnet anyway.

And now when I look out the window and I see people paying through their nose for their car- I found it rather ridiculous anyway. You cannot even afford to pay for the car park fines and you are quibbling over your monthly installments- I get a lot of those- they are rather stringent.

I have seen working class and office class people sweating over a $700 installment on a $2500 take home- really is it that worth it- after petrol, parking and tax and insurance the monthly bill is easily more than $1,000 and you just started work. Seriously. For your information, I always get season parking even I work in CBD because I have zero installment- and it is more than $200 a month.

And even then I found it expensive because with the CBD charges and petrol, it still sets me back at least $500 hence I have never grapple with the idea of loaning for a drive when most of the time- you get from office to home anyway.

Anyway, I don't really blame them- the envy and all the generous photo spread of being this and that- when you are really just a paper pusher is really too alluring. The envy that I get when I open the Saturday pages is such that I must be sexiest person in the world simply by having this vehicle- and then I open the classifieds- and the mileage for a sexy car is less than 10,000 km- and then you know it is an absolute waste of time.

I have no clue about cars really and my idea of modification is finding the most convenient gadget to put my phone and the latest car park charges in town. I can rattle off the car park charges in CBD and town now still.

I should have sold off my car a long time ago- but I was spoilt- I had a car when I didn't ask for it.

It is really difficult to let go of an asset without a liability you see. I only need to pay car park charges and other misc expenses. By the way even in school i paid for everything else except the car. That's why I work and study at the same time

And after driving for 8 years, it is really tough to let go of the convenience that have build up over the years. I wanted to sell it when I started work as I was leaving car at home anyway but by the time, I wanted to, i made more money- so suck it.

By the way, can you imagine telling your colleagues that you drive to work on a working salary- I didn't felt anything then- but I think they must be deeply pissed when I look at all the car ads in the newspaper now. By the way, I drove my BOSS home before, he slammed the door when he left. I thought I was doing a favor- but I didn't even know he is really insanely pissed. But looking back, I think he was having this envy that I didn't really have.

And now, I am having a reversal of roles, my friends have cars and I just sold mine- and I can tell them asserting the superiority complex- and till this day, I still don't really understand the fascination with cars when theirs is still a regular car too. I think all these envy have build up all these years now that they have been waiting this day to press home their superiority.

I just sold my car for a finance post grad and a PR in Australia- seriously and not to pay bloated debts. And most are paying leases on it anyway. Hence I still do not understand their superior complex other than vanity. Anyway, I don't really request for rides nowadays- it's too much of a chore.

Oh by the way, I have another immovable object that it is deep in the money and I can buy a car outright with it. I just didn't want it.

So just suck it.

And just don't show it of to me 10 years later you have done so as well- cause I have already done it at 29.

I told you the good news and not to ingratiate myself to you- and if you feel a need to chase a moving goal post- just remember this post 10 years later- and don't blame me for not sharing your joy.

Frenemies

Some people may not like what they read here but well, the reason I never really openly share this link because I leave it to you read and decide whether it is worth coming back or worth the thrash.

There are some people whom take a decision away from me when I have not really decided and concluded then: a non-action means a particular direction. And from there, the deduction is made then on my preferences from A to Z and every other number under the sun.

Yes, life is about choices- but life is not only about choices. There isn't a need to decide when there are many other things that are more important or more palatable at the point in time. No, is not forever and yes is not necessary everlasting. And if one wishes to so wish to decide to live a life according to these decision rules- I would not stop you just don't include me in the little game. And if you so wish to form an opinion according to these decision rules- be my guest- but before one wants to do that, please firstly look at the particular position one is in before making any judgement- and if from there, there is an unerring decision, please be my guest; and by the way, there is no need to prove to me that it is the right decision to make. If you believe it, then it must be true- I will not try to prove otherwise- just don't pull me into that little game of yours.

I am not perfect. I do not pretend to be. Neither am I going to steal your girlfriend away or your entire business away just because I can or I would. Please do not confuse the actions of others'  towards me as an attack towards you by me. I cannot stop other's from doing what they do- and if you don't like what they do, don't direct your vehemence towards me: half the time, I am minding my own business. The other half, I am just wondering why would anyone do what they do.

The human condition is such that it is complex to decipher and when you decide to take the simplistic manner of sheer compliance- rest assured that I will fight back- simply because it is not my problem, but your's. Do not confuse the actions of other's to be endorsed by me- trust me, you will know when I hit you and when I won't. You can feel it and it is from me- and not by proxy- and you will know who it is from unequivocally.

There are many whom believed that simply by snooping around and intruding into my private space and saying personal snide innuendo- you can take me as a fool- you can take me as a fool. But have you wondered to yourself why go through so much trouble just to prove the "rightness" of one's actions? Next time, make a funny joke or parody- don't go below the belt- I don't mind, doesn't mean that other's cannot taste the bitterness in the remark. Make it funny and entertaining at least- don't make it sound like a sourpuss because everyone will have to manage you from then on. I can be the butt of all the jokes- but make it a "joke" and not a personal vendetta. Not cool at all.

I know I have made many enemies and frenemies along the way- rest assured that I understood all the innuendos along the way and even if I don't, I would eventually taste the fury of your vengeance. But if you wish to attack me, attack me above the belt and in private- otherwise, it makes it uncomfortable for everyone in a tight enclosed space. I am already used to it but many other's don't like to hear sour puss talking. Don't make yourself worse than you already are. You are a human with feelings and emotions-it is ok-, just don't make yourself look like an asshole.

I can safely tell you upfront that you can make me a "butt" of all your jokes- I don't mind- but please at least do it tastefully and do it at least with tinge of irreverence. Otherwise, you are the one looking stupid and not me.

Have Fun.

Eugene

Que Sera Sera

There are many important things in life. When I was 15, the most important thing in life was to get a pair of Levi's jeans and I really didn't quite like the run-of-mill jeans that I normally wear. It was something I wanted.

When I was 21, the only thing that I ever wanted was to get my then ex-girlfriend to patch back with me. I drove to her place and waited for a few hours and she passed a message and I left. A few months later, she sought me again to come back but I didn't, simply because it was time to moved on.

When I was 25, the last thing I ever wanted was to grow up. I held back from seriously finding a job until a few months after a graduation for a job that I didn't like.

When I was 28, the only thing I didn't want was to be bored with my life- hence I decided to work very hard and see how far I can get. I climbed so fast and almost simultaneously that I almost forgot how easy my life was then.

When I was 31, the only thing I didn't want was the life of many other's around me. I sought then to find a path of my own- and now I sit here with a path so less-travelled that when I look back, everything that culminated have come up to this point.

There isn't another me out there in this world I know, and as I sit here typing this particular article, I looked back almost with no regrets with everything that I have done- in spite of the many misgivings that I have along the way. Simply because, not once that did I say that I didn't know what I want to do and floated along.

I swim along the tide when it was easy- I swam against when I see no point in buying the Levi's jeans anymore.

I do not deny that looking back, I might have made use of a few people in my life to go through the routine of my life- consciously or unconsciously- and sad to say, I am really not that sorry to let them go.

Everybody changed, and admittedly, I have changed in a manner of which I couldn't expect it myself if you ask me back a few years back.

But if I do have to say that- if I can just explain to you what I see and what I have experienced- you would have done exactly the same thing that I have done. And if I cannot explained to you what I see and what I have experienced- then I am sad to say that it is best to allow the misunderstanding to move along and I think in time- everything will reveal by itself- just like the different layers of life and as you peel the various layers of an onion to reveal the core.

And for some, who are happy to just see what they see, then I am sorry that it is your decision to do what you want to do and if you so wish that: then I am sorry the misunderstanding would carry on for an indefinite period of time- then may you keep the memory that once at least, we had the same perspective and shared a time and place together.

Que Sera Sera.

Eugene