Seeing further than your eyes can see.

You know that you have a reach a quarter life crisis when you have no idea what you want for the next 30 years.

You probably might know what you want in a next few years but it is probably beyond the next few years that scares the living day lights out of everyone. Everyone starts to imagine that beyond the horizon is the end of the world and everything will just fall off like it when we didn't know that the earth is round and it is gravity that is pulling us together.

To be sure, I would have never thought I would have this form of dilemma. I would have think that having a good time for the last 30 years would give me the fatigue of a person that has too good a time for the first part of my life and see that I would fall into place with all the trappings of middle class family with 2.1 or now 1.4 kids and tattered boxers on Sundays.

I still wear tattered boxers on Sundays and strangely enough, I do not have the inclinations for the above and the harder I try to fall into place- the harder it seems to reject me. It almost seems that my past has almost caught up with me that having a good time does not make me a good specimen for the boring middle class life.

I am trying desperately to be fit in a as a Joneses but the strange thing is that the middle class wants my previous life- which is rather strange and unexpected actually. The Joneses that I know, hate me to the core and think that I am a vermin to their peaceful life.

But I think everyone settles eventually for something less than ideal, but really now- the "compromised" solution has something against me. This compromised solution which I was so ready to accept in the future when I was studying- in anticipation of this, I did not delay my gratification then but still got away with this- apparently want to me consume further.

The thing is that I always thought that there would be payback- when I was studying- but there was almost none forthcoming which made me wonder whether the song by the "Third Eye Blind" was true: "The Semi-Charmed Life".

To be sure, I would never expect to live a high life- I have middle class values and anything that I did not work for does not belong to me, that part is true. Swishing around in fanciful mise-en-scene is never my thing and conspicuous consumption and leisure to differentiate the classes: by Thorstein Veblen, was something I have never practiced and really do not know how to do that. I'll leave it to the old-monied to do their thing.

Hence I found it quite difficult to understand this rather strange situation that I am in and the images that have fed me before seems to be broken today and my "payback" did not come.

It is safe to say that the modern condition is such that gratification precedes everything else- instantaneous ones that is- but the payback does not always comes in the forms that you expect. Rome was not built in a day neither was it destroyed in a single day as well. That is always been the condition that have always preceded the previous generation- the lament of time gone by.

The current generation is always more debauchery than the last, and that there always reside an existential crisis of acceptance or envelopment. The dichotomy has been false and has always been false. It is almost like the force of history is undeniable and that all trends is irreversible- which trend has remain irreversible, can anyone with even an inkling of history tell me that?

Evil used to reside in dark woods, now they say it exist in the internet and the computer. They say that science was evil just a few hundred years ago and now look around you. They also say that atomic bomb was the end of the world and how many countries rely on nuclear energy to power the countries.

They say that there is this irreversible trajectory of evil that continues to engulf every form of society, that whats they say about lonely sad woman who practiced abit of esoteric magic- and burned them as witches. Now in certain parts of world, some women are stoned to death for being- raped-. Now who is more evil then?

It is always easy to see things in black and white, good and evil- but everything in hindsight, seen in particular context have met with tragedy, whats make it anymore different now.

Hence seen from this context, I am in a limbo- I still do not know what to do with my life, and as apparently the compromised solution of- sailing only far enough to fish- is not good enough for modern life. But we'll see.

P/S: when Galileo told the world earth was round and not flat, no one believed him. I wouldn't be surprised that you don't to.