When the poor man sings

When the poor man sings

When the poor man sings,
the rich man dies.
When the little man cries,
The big man dives.
When the singing man dreams
The dying man lives.
When we sing,
the song dances

When the lives of many is touched
the cries of many is felt.
When the dreams of the damned is raised,
the hopes quivers.
When the earth shatters,
The same goes for ground beneath you.

Face Off

You know when you watch those gangster movies, where one of the bad gang headman want to take over another's gang's turf- he would purposely offend the opposite gang and make sure that the "good" gang actually makes the first move. This means that the good gang is then considered the aggressor and hence is made to apologize or to have a "face-off". Since the "good" gang is the aggressor, hence it must be the "bad" guy since it started everything right. Then the "good" gang is considered to break the norms of gangster hood. The bad "gang" can then take advantage of this situation by asking for a face-off or ask the other side to apologize. They will only do that when they know they have the upper-hand. Then the "bad" gang will have the support and the numbers.

You see I thought that this was only reserve to movies but apparently people actually use it in real life. You see people use this to accuse me of offending them. There was once at the train station, I was just standing there, they stand beside me and make it look like I walk there and stand next to them just to get on their nerve. On other instances, some even wait for me to walk past and make those "tsk tsk" sound as if like I saw them hiding at the corner.

And then just like in the previous pose, my manager actually use this as an excuse that I offend him. Like for example, I remember quite distinctly that I was on the phone with a customer and he would always barge in and ask me about something and of course, I was busy and how do I entertain him- and he would make to everyone that I was ignoring when he was quite new. And viola, he wants to take my turf and my support.

Actually, I knew all these childish and immature things were happening from the very end, but when you work, you actually want to work- no one is interested to play silly games with 50 year old man. Similarly, when you take the bus or the train, you just looking to get from point A to point B, no one is interested in making a nuisance with you.

And they call it politics. Politics is the art of the possible, this is the art of the impossible. The impossibly incomprehensible mind of the territorial person. '

I mean I can draw parallel from the film, but I have no idea that people actually employ that. I just thought it was frustration but they really think that it was a real tactic. It's gangster movie for crying out loud- oh my god.

You see the thing is that they are taking an opportunity to be ""offended by you" just to intimidate you. But I don't even see that as intimidation. I thought they were just frustrated with work.

But anyway, looking back, as I was filling my bottle, I suddenly thought of this really juvenile tactic and how often it is used: in public places. They come next to you and become "offended". I look at the person puzzled. There are seats and there are miles of space- why do you need to stand next to me and get angry. But I just play with phone and pretend a nutcase is standing next to me.

Minion Life and your work life

There was once a manager whom- and he stabbed me right in the back later- that you know not everyone knows everything and that you know if you ask too many question or raise your feedback too many times, it will hurt people's feelings.

Of course, I insist that I didn't raise any unnecessary feedback but rather if I do that, it is because that it was pertinent and urgent. You see they were raising a ruckus because I was asking them to change a rule to allow a customer to sign in. My argument was that even if it requires all directors to sign, and since the rest were nominal directors, we just need the major shareholders to sign. You see there 6 diectors and 2 were the owners of the company and the rest were incidentally employees. The reason the boss, which was one of two did not want them to sign was that he did not want the employees to know about some of the transactions. And even if the latter were shareholders, they held 4% of the shareholdings- sort of an "employee" incentive plan by the boss- the rest of 96% were own by the boss and his wife.

I mean he has been a fantastic customer and I really want to close this deal and I ask some of seniors whether we can go around it and the standard answer was that you have to follow the SOPs. I know I have to follow the SOP but this is a special case, can we find a way to justify it. Eventually, the big boss override it- and I got what I wanted.

And the rest were not happy. [ How I know is very simple, I took a few law modules, what is pertinent is control and not whether who the directors are: I argued that the two can literally remove the four directors by a simple special resolution which requires 75% of the shareholdings, hence why the hell do you need the rest of the four to sign in the first place- and the rest accuse of me being difficult, negative and disrespectful, "hao lian".]

This is being the case, suddenly everyone felt the need to deflate me at every point. It is like, they cannot accept that like all organizations, business are run by the rule of the law, even if the SOPs start as such, there is always a way which can justify the position- simply because all SOPs always occur on the safe side. You just need a secondment from someone- and this was perfectly legal, even if the auditors came in and check on the deviation. It is simply back by the law of the land. The law of the land is the biggest when comes to anything. In fact this incident that the compliance system was not robust enough to allow for "business as usual" to happen within legal parameters. It did not have a caveat to say that on certain cases, discretionary approval can be given. It turn out that they were the best customers after that.

That same person who actually say to just follow the SOP, just shut up because she was the dealer doing all the transactions. She later try to prise me to the team and even encourage me to do more of the deals but by then, I was already quite pissed off with the manager for not even lending a hand, and actually give the stupid advice above and just simply acquiesce on everything. I explain to him why I was right, he keep on repeating the same thing. After that I know that, oh crap, it is time to go pretty soon. As always, the big bosses always love me because I always get things done, but it is these people that somehow never quite get to them that I wasn't "hao lian" or complain king. [ The CEO of the bank gave him a big tongue lashing and make him embarrassed in front of some the employees in a corporate event. He hated me even more after that- but it was his fault and not mine.]

I was reading a news article earlier about Kevin Rudd having two personnas of handling people close to you and the people that give you support. If I just okay to you- do you think I can ever get the deal done in the first place. If you attempt to see from my point of view, I do not need to be so nasty.

If I do not appear to be sort of "straightforward", how do I get across to you that, "yes, I respect you but look at this case." If you take the time to listen, you will want to see from my end and "stop whining" about how I make things difficult for you.

If I do not know what I am talking about, I will not be so in your face: which means, go and check it out for crying out loud.

This is not teamwork, and they accused me of not being team player also and being always negative- this is call covering each other's ass. Pro quid quo- I just blew you apart because I have something to do unless you want to do my job. I pay your bills because I bring in the money- so you better do what I tell you to do.

And of course, when you face all these type of obstacles and "so many minions" [ like the show "Despicable me"] - and they are not so cute in real life- you only want to do a job and go home, these people simply want everyone to wear the same jump suits like them that's all.

I just want to go home but it doesn't mean that I will want to be like them and just watch the clock tick by to go home. I have went through that life- and I don't enjoy it at all. The funny thing is they pay me more to do a simpler job at another place. Ironic isn't it.  The funny thing is that when I left the last place, there were no farewell lunches, and in the first one, I even got a present and a meal.

It was really quite ironic and funny how things have turn around. I was not successful in the first but everyone likes me. I was successful in the second, but everyone wants to strangle me.

I learnt that later, whatever in class about class was true. You will never break the ceiling by appealing to the people who are same as you, you will only break it when you really break it.

That is exactly how I landed myself in this position now. Being liked is very very easy, I was just cruising for the last 27 years on that. But it is being successful and having the guts to do so, that is the hard part. That is why I played for my first part of my life-without getting screwed and sinking too deep!!!

Friends you realise becomes extremely ephemeral and predicated on this thing call class. They are not your real friends actually even if you bring yourself down. They feel a little guilty and a little "small" in front of you. They know it, they just don't want to show it in front of you- and I don't want to make anymore embarrassing or difficult for them.

Had I know it will lead to this: I would stayed at the first job, and I would probably be an Associate Director by now but I will have zero chance of doing anything beyond my life.

But I wouldn't know my friends would be so superficial, if I didn't.

Private Property

In the previous post about subversion of the ideal, I mention about the debasement towards the lowest common denominator as managing democratic expectations, but the point about managing democratic expectations, why must we manage it in the first place. Isn't unfettered democracy more or less good for society, unfettered democracy is more or less good for everyone, but unfettered capitalism is not good for everyone.

When you descend towards the lowest common denominator, you often find yourself outside the fringes of society, this means that you cannot get close to the seat of power and hence in this case, stability is ensured. Capitalism is built on one single thing: private property. If I can make it illegal or even make you the "bad" person even if I legitimately allow you to exist, you will forever be contesting the bedrock of private property and hence you cannot even legitimize your own ownership private property. You see when I glamourize sex, violence and crime, I will in effect making it easy for to enjoy life without private property but well, of course, people that own them are not crooks per se. They do not and have very little to do with the seedy side of life simply because it is not in their interest to fraternize with them.

In effect, if you descend to these level, you are  effectively helping these capital owners to "legitimize" their own "hedonistic behaviour"- and even see as "one of the people." They literally have the cake and eat it at the same time. When you are weak, and you do not descend to these levels, you have a moral authority money cannot buy. But when you allow something or anything to "corrupt" you, you don't even have anything in your favour.

And if I want to take away something from the fat cats, you let them say things like: you will spend it on prostitution or gambling- might as well, let me keep it and let me create jobs. The basic working class ethic is your very protection against the very exploitation by the very people whom you are working for. Hence if I work hard and you were spending these extra money on these vices, you have a moral authority on your side, simply because if you want it, you couldn't afford it.

Hence that is why I say this descend towards the lowest common denominator is really not "democratic", in effect, it provides for the very bedrock for business to thrive. Stability. Think about your pay cheque, how much goes to your car, how much goes into boozing and lastly how much goes into your entertainment- that is exactly why, every one is afraid to lose their jobs.

That is exactly why, I am better off than you: precisely because even if I did nothing, something is growing and I am learning. Unlike some people, whom work to feed a habit which feeds off it's very existence and also not growing at all- hence they cannot accumulate any property of their own.

I keep on saying that you are enslaving yourself to your job. That is exactly why- you will do anything for all these things that are not important at all. I am not moralizing here, I am giving you a material basis- that is the difference. You are literally digging your own grave.

If I can stretch a little further, beyond just common denominator- tell me one single thing in your expense that is necessary. You will realise that it only comes down to a few hundred dollars. Do you know how much I have spend on insurance.

This is not frugality ethic or asking you to do something like charity- this is for your own good. In the end, when you have accumulate nothing- no knowledge, no property, no investment, no cash- even if you work till the cows come home, there is nothing left in your pocket.

[ Cigarettes is the next killer: upper class do not smoke, only people whom are descending need to worry about that. Because they know something that you don't, this is it.]

Tragedy

You see that I have not cry for a very very long time. I cannot even remember the last time I cried. I think the last time I cried was when my grandmother passed away, and even then it was in the bathroom and not in front of everyone.

Even the I was not sad per se, I think it was totally emotional simply because it was at that age that everyone passed away. It was just sad that she had to go. I cry not because it was tragic but rather I think it was well just sad but even then such things are infectious hence I held it away in front of everyone.

When you see it is not because that I am emotionless and in spite of- I think- people trying to make me cry, I just feel that crying is for something tragic and not because you feel sad. When you feel something is tragic, it means that something should not happened and yet it happen. Sad has this tinge of feeling like you deserve more than the world has served you.

The world is not necessarily fair, but it is not tragic. Tragic is when you have too much on your plate and someone is eating from hand to mouth. The world is not fair but it is not worth crying for when you have everything that you need and not because you don't have your latest iPhone, car, or even you cannot have your favourite gourmet food.

If these things were important to you before, you will find it tragic that you were denied them. That is when you feel that the world is unfair and therefore it is tragic- and therefore it is perfectly fine to cry.

It is then therefore that it would be quite misleading that people thought that I was strong. Many things that people think that was important to me- just because it was I used to have and just because it was denied to me and I was just displaying a strong face that's all, but deep down I am crumbling down inside. How do you feel sad or upset when things that were not important enough to be "tragic" per se, was taken away from you.

Look, by most measure, I am quite fortunate and lucky guy. I am not unhealthy, I am reasonably intelligent, I am fairly mobile and I have 30 good years ahead of me and I have some things that most people don't have- an apartment. And my wealth is even than most people my age- and I did not work for close to two years. I don't even consider my life close to tragic or sad even.

Sad or tragic is when people work their ass off and still trying to make ends meet. Tragic is when people do not get the help they need when they are seriously disadvantaged. That is tragic, and I will cry every night and day when I cannot even fulfil my basic need when the house down the road just have steak for dinner and threw the leftovers to the dogs. That is tragic and sad. That is when it makes perfect sense to feel sad and cry. My plight is like a scratch on my pinky finger.

The most that I can and will be giving up is food in restaurants, buying anything that I want, flying off at a whim, and driving as and when I want or even girls who seem to attracted to all these. It is not tragic to lose all these.

Having it all before, just put it into perspective that all these is not important and those that actually go crazy and do many things unethical and wrong to get all these seems all the more immature and materialistic. That is why you will read all these "holier-than-thou tone" in the previous post, I have really have all these before and I can safely tell you that all these not important at all. I am saying this not because I have sour grapes and denouncing it just because I cannot have all of these, I have seriously and have really done it before and I can tell you that it is good to have but never important.

Even when I was sort of in my "peak" of all these, I have never felt all these were important. That is why I can drop all of these now, when the situation calls for it. That is why, when some of my ex-employers actually threatened me if I don't comply, I will lose this and lose that, they are talking about the above, they are not talking about life and death. It is therefore that I always maintain a moral high ground.

I can be honest with you that I was so flippant about all my success and those things that I have achieved- to the extend that people can copy me all they want, so long as they don't disrupt my daily job- was that I wasn't really hard up for it in the first place.

I just keep on emphasizing that I "one day, I decided to put in more effort" line, but actually no one believes me. Everything else was almost incidental. Quite honestly, had I know that it would lead to so much speculation and so much unnecessary attention, I would not did what I did in the first place.

Hence I am not humble, neither am I artificially "humble", I really didn't care that much about it. It was nothing tragic or sad about losing all these trappings, what is sad in my eyes that the people that actually do what they do to maintain those things I mentioned above.

It came easy to me but it doesn't mean that I care enough to want it again and again. Just because people think that I was being "short-changed" and did not show my "potential", it doesn't mean that it was tragic.

It could be unfair, but it ain't enough to make me upset. What is upsetting is for these people I mentioned above and not me. Don't save me, there are a lot others more in need than me.

The world moves with or without me hence I would suggest go and find a "proper" cause, if you want to "support" please do that "for me" if not for yourself.

On the opposite sex

You see that, there is a need to settle this woman/man thing debate. I begin to realise that everytime, some woman approach me or sort have a chat with me, it must amount to something. This means that I must either be interested or I am not interested in that person. Hence the question I would ask to you, if you don't like chicken does it mean that you like duck instead. This is by the most silliest question I have ever heard.

Pardon me if I am going to be direct and it is going to hurt on this one: the whole point of these is simply that some people cannot comprehend a relationship or just simply an association based on some form which not romantic in nature. It could be professional, it could be platonic, it could be familial, it could academic or it could even be interest, it could be any of these things, why then does everyone conclude that if it is not the chicken, then it must be the duck. And the reason why some people forced one to choose is simply that they cannot accept an alternative beyond this dichotomy. This means that if you are interested, you are with him/her, if you are not, you must be against him/her.

I suspect then this is the result of people's lack of sophistication in handling complicated relationship or secondly, simply just plain jealousy or envy.

For the first, it is the easy part, where if you can set aside your biases, you will be able to handle any situation. For the second, it has a problem with your relationship handling skills. This means that the jealousy and envy goes deeper in the manner by which involves some form of romantic envy and jealousy then actually about whether any romantic interest or not.

You can go to waitress and order anything you want, and not just chicken, if you have such a conception, it must have that you have mixed all your multiple roles and collapse into one simple dichotomy. Romantic or not romantic. I have been hesitant to approach anyone because I do not want to invite unnecessary attention to anyone because I do not wish to embarrass anyone just due to some juvenile's immaturity- especially those without hair on their feet- and some chauvinistic old men, whom have an archaic conception.

And obviously, I knew all about these, that is why I know all these tricks that some of these people play. It is not that I think in these black/white terms, it is especially those: Single, Desperate and Ugly [especially the desperate] that comes up with all these tricks just to invite embarrassment to those around them. If these people were so adept enough, they will not need to invite embarrassment to others and disgust to those around them. It is precisely because they were inept that they need to feel good about themselves by making a mickey out of other people. I recognize these people all around.

And of course there are another group of people, I call it: "we are a couple, please look at me. You sad lonely sod." These people grab each other's boobs in front of broad day light in public places, as if to announce that you don't know what you are missing. Look if that is what you only got to offer, seriously, I know where I can get all my dreams/fantasies fulfilled. This is called the "I have nothing going for me except each other. Hence we love each other." Okay, okay, take it to the bed room and save your life story for everyone. I know you are poor and unsophisticated students and yes, we have a lot sex, so what. that is because, you have nothing better to do. [ I shall stop there]

And then there is another group call the " I am old, but I have a really young and pretty girlfriend or wife." Look, assuming that you are mature and have a lot of life experience to impart: you wouldn't need to show that: "you have a young and pretty girlfriend." The previous premise has already been destroyed. Mature and worldly men do not do this, only old men with the above conception think like that. If you parade your young and pretty girlfriend or wife, it means that you only with her because she is young and pretty. Hence whatever I said above has been thrown out of the window.

It can be said that I have no inclination whatsoever that some guys with this rather strange conception, compel me to do the things I would not wish to rush.

This is not a chicken or duck story- this is a I am sorry where is the menu- and we can take it offline?

P/S: If you are nervous and engage in these activities, it shows. Don't try to fool me, and if you do, you are just inviting irritation from the very people that you are trying to impress: the opposite sex.

Either way, you lose.

Of Apples and Bananas and all things high and low

Of course, there are many whom have asked me why do I feel so nonchalant about having fall from grace. This means that people have been ripping off me, regressing to a point where I became the butt of all jokes. From having everything- to having to live with my parents and taking money from them, you see, I have never seen any of all these as a step up or step down. How can I step down when I never intend or was not even on the step up in the first place.

When I was younger, it was easy for me, simply because I was able to cruise and more or less get everything done. I was on the second gear and I drifted more or less in the middle. I wouldn't be fantastic neither would I be bad, I will be there thereabouts.

But when I little older having worked for a few years- I repeated this story so many times-, I just sort of decided to work a little harder that's all. Suddenly, 28 years of cruising and the idea of happy-go-lucky and sort of easy going guy got smashed out of the window.

How did an average person suddenly pop out from nowhere. I just put in a little more effort that's all. I only concentrate on what I want and that's about it, and this was just one of things in my life of trying new things that I want that's all. I have no idea that it became bigger than I thought.

I never really want to be the CEO as I mentioned in my email per se, one thing led to another, and I thought I gave it a shot. But it suddenly sort of define me. I have never no idea of just two years of mad rush for work and learning will have all sort of expectations on me. I remember, having senior managers having to sit behind me on pretext of attending a course picking up everything from me like I hold the holy grail to everything. Quite honestly, I couldn't even understand the big hooha. I know, I just simply ignore them and I know there were there to do some "intelligence gathering" but I take it as they were there just to learn. I am an only a junior banker, seriously even if it is true, what can I do about it. I just take it as flattery.

But as time goes by, it became increasingly annoying as it is as if people was trying to prove to me that I was wrong in everything. It is like as if I was to say something, it must be "right." Hence since I must be "right", I must be proven "wrong" simply because no one is perfect. Hence everyone and anything under the sun throw potshots at me- from what I wear, to what I eat and to even how I speak. [It came to a point where people compare with me for not getting married and having children!!- it has come down to that level. Suddenly, I must feel insulted for not using a private part of my body. Why does anyone compare an apple with say a banana continues to puzzle me.]

I even noticed a thousand and one "mini-mes". Well- pressed shirt, French cuffs, and always a pen in the pocket. Sometimes, I walk on the street, I wonder whether these people on the street that I don't know are doing what they do because of me. But of course, well, the shirts can be bought, the pants can be bought, hell even the pen can be bought. Hence even if the copies were because of me- so what. I am me, there is a reason that they want to copy what is "me" in the first place.

At this point in time and even still now, I still wonder what is the big deal about me and what I do. Hence if you ask me whether I feel ashamed about what I have done, how can I feel ashamed when I did not try to prove to anyone in the first place.

Hence how do you insult or bring down a person who in the first place was not trying to prove anyone or everyone was better than him/her. Hence I am also very surprised that there are more people whom are more concerned that I fail that I was about doing well.

It got me thinking that I must be doing something really right to pissed these people off that they have to prove they were right. It was not ordinary people, but people from places of authority and distinction. That's why I know I was getting things on the cheap, and that is why I wanted to know more. That is exactly how I ended up at this particular position.

I was more interested in finding out what happen than to be in some "respectable" position per se. Hence in fact, this was even more important to me than some silly "CEO" position. Whatever transpire during the previous few years still continue to puzzle me, I only started with one simple ideal, which is just to see far I can go and it turn out to be a full blown global affair.

Till this day, I still don't care whether I walk on red carpet or I walk on dirt road. The only thing I really care is that do the same thing that you would if you don't know me. That is the bare minimum, anything else is the bonus.

Hence how can I feel insulted when I wasn't even trying to be "better" than you in the first place. If you read in all the previous post: "I keep mentioning about this "self-esteem" problem, the problem lies with you and not with me." If it is not me, it is and always someone else.

Victorian Ideals and the "devil"

I was watching a samurai film earlier and I contrasted that with some of the films that you will see at the side of the blog. You see at the side of the tab, you will see a film called Rashomon. You see the thing about this particular film was that it was filmed in 1940s and it was considered ground breaking because that it shows samurais in a "bad" light. This means that previous samurai films were propaganda films aimed to show samurai in a positive light and their bushido code.

But in this particular film which was called the "13 Assassins", it is not a run of the mill film and it is very well made, considered the elaborateness of mise--en-scene. Samuaria was used to bring down the shogunate and even this was legitimately done. All the samurai die in this film, and only left a "mountain" kid who was a "super" love-making machine and a young samurai who was determined to go to America and make love. It was set in 1844 and just the beginning of crumbling of the shogunate system.

You see the huge difference between a film considered goundbreaking 50-60 years ago and a film that is the norm now. You see that the film was brilliant: Rashomon was groundbreaking precisely because it breaks the mould and the educate the filmic audience.

But now such films seem to glamourize all forms of rules breaking like it was rules-de-jeur. This means that rules breaking is the norm and not the exception. And if rule breaking is the norm, then of what use is rule breaking in the first place.

The two ending characters that ran away scot free and alive seems bent on satiating their inner desires than to bother about an ideal which they aspire towards. Let's just put it in this manner for you: they aspire towards freedom and an ideal bent on fulfilling their "inner self" as if it was a supposed an "higher" ideal.

They seem to take Victorian ideals and turn it on his head and turn it into an ideal in itself. Subversion of any norms must come with fulfilling towards an higher ideal and not just satiating an inner desire. It is true that freedom is something that we should aspire towards and wthout liberty, of what use is any forms of material things.

In fact, this is the most salient and pertinent argument for this form of "unbridled freedom". This means, if we cannot enjoy the experiences in life- of what use of being, pious, faithful and "good" per se. This form of argument brought about by this last two characters is simply a: rejection of the material life and substituting for one predicated on experiences. Hence there isn't a need for any form structure per se, since we can experience life anywhere right.

The mountain man is the archetypal figure of the above. His primal instincts bring him joy and he even survives the battle which killed everyone except him and one other guy.

The ex samurai is the new ideal which the modern "young" person should aspire you to: you are tired and fatigued, the system have failed you and hence you should embrace the life that has offer you and rather than uphold a code which has fail you. This form of rejection of the system is typical experience of the modern young person whom have worked hard and strived within the system and hence felt a sense of ambivalence towards everything. They have to fight against the system by which they had believed in in the first place.

Hence since, we cannot strive or believe in the system anymore, the young people should then "experience" life to the max. Since it is broken and the system does not reward the good, it is better to enjoy the fruits of the system than to have an unquestioned belief in the system.

This means that we should continue to gratify all our needs as and when we want it rather than wait for the system to actually reward us.

Hence, you can see that the race to the bottom is the new norm and not the exception. This ties in almost with the democratization of everything. This means that everyone should have a share at everything- an ideal is hence nothing more than a barrier, and sort of "anti-democracy".

If the previous kings, nobles and elites have the right to enjoy life and all it's pleasures, so must everyone else now. If we are not good enough, then we must provide a basis by which we can enjoy this without "guilt" or "repercussions".

This forms of "anti-ideological" argument- by which all forms of practiced knowledge and skills is nothing more than ideological and is nothing to control the masses has been stretched so far that it justifies all forms of debauchery, hedonistic behaviour and "unhealthy" behaviour that, if you work at something, it is because you are an "elitist" and nothing more than a nepotistic actor. This means that we all should have a common denominator: the common denominator is well the most basic: what I have just described above.

Hence the lowest common denominator covers the most people, it will covers the crooks, the people which can identify with the most: food, water, and sex. If I can justify these above and provide a basis and even glamourize it, I win.

It is not easy to trick me on all these ideological arguments, I studied all forms of philosophical theory of knowledge and at what basis does it provide. In fact, my paper is often the leveller of all things that is deemed elitist. But I have gone out to work and I have even gone out on a limb to provide an even emotional basis of these arguments by going underground for a while, I can tell you that the experience on the ground provides no basis other than ideological. This means that all these race to the bottom is nothing more an "excuse" to "control" people on the contrary than to free them.

These form of "race" to bottom, bankrupt these people by how opium did 100 years ago, no matter, how hard one works, it will go to somewhere which does NOT accumulate but targeted at gratification. All forms of gratification and consumption only serves the interest of the haves than the have-nots.

This means that this mode of operating and "controlling" the world has not changed, it is simply changing the ideology that's all. The point of it all is consume, gratify and get indebted. That is the crux of ruling the world.

Hence this form of "freedom" and "democratization" of everything is nothing more than an excuse to control and manage the expectations of these people with "democratic" expectations.

P/S: in "1984", the doublespeak or doublethink: "freedom is slavery" and "peace is war"- "freedom is slavery[ read sins or hedonistic behaviour]" "peace is war[ control of power]"

Achoo!!

Do you want to know why I left, the answer is rather simple: it is not because that I blame the people around me, it is just simply that I find no reason to reason with people with people who does not want to take reason.

Once I had a quarrel with the neighbour upstairs for slamming his furniture in the middle of the night and always seem to be able to pick the opportune moment to slam the door, or stomp his chair just at the right time to scare people. It is not because I am scared but rather I think it is a natural reaction for a person to be startled by a random loud noise. Quite honestly, I get scared by the jumping cat in the movies more often than not.

That is the difference between being scared and being paranoid. Initially, I was really irritated by his actions, I went up to him and he went on to keep repeating my words or saying the exact opposite without any reason which means that he just want to say everything the opposite of me without really knowing what he is saying. After all a while, I realise that the he is not going to change and the people that keep slamming the door or throw beer bottles in the middle of the night or those that sneeze the living daylights of their is ever going to change, I begin to detach the noise from the emotion. It is very natural to be startled by random noises, but when you start to get scared or paranoid by it- that is the problem.

Hence after a while, I just let these weird neighbours with weird habits do whatever they want, and after my groove back after the initial startle, I just carry on as per normal. It was a waste of time, to talk to people who use noise as an argument, hence this means that they intend to associative measures to persuade you- when they scare you, means don't this, I am sorry, I don't work like that. If you have a problem or have something to tell me, you tell me and give a proper a statement why you think so. I gave him a chance, I went to his house and ask him to stop it: but he went on rambling on about saying the exact opposite of what I say, hence I realise that he is not going to change, and so I let his family suffer him. I just pretend that he enjoys shifting furniture and slamming doors like he was a karung guni man.

Similarly, my football mates whom were actually good friends through university played this rather silly game with me like literally not passing the ball or throwing all my good balls away. I am not sure why is there a change of behaviour: it is too drastic as I was actually one of their "better" players. It is like they have a tacit agreement among themselves that they intend to do what they do. I mean I don't see any point in arguing with someone or a group of people, and in fact that has been happening so many times, that I don't see a point in banging my head against the wall. Hence I sort of just quit the team- but I knew about this silly little game that they are having, and in this case, I will have to feign anger, just to find an excuse to get out.

You see, you put all these together, I have never gotten angry with all these people, the thing is that they are quite unrelated to me or at best have a not so close relationship with me hence I don't see a point in getting angry with them. But the thing is that during the previous year, when I was sort of experimenting with a few things, they thought this blip was normal. For that year, how should I put it: pretend and believe that everything everyone say. And I was getting angry and screwed so many times, you cannot imagine that it is normal. But they thought it was- and that is beside the point.

Anyway, the point is that all these people with actually believe these rumours or façade. But it was already over- but anyway, they continue to persist in their ways, and continue to antagonize me in every way.

But you know what that one year taught me: it is to teach me that most of us just simply cheap. We are so cheap that we don't even realise it. We will cut corners when we can and when it suits us. I was trying to find a decent person for one whole year, and I couldn't even count it with my fingers.

It is like people when given any chance will throw you under the bus for a toss of a coin and take advantage of every little single opportunity. I was disgusted but not angry. Why should be I angry when I allow others to do what they do- they just show and tell me one very single thing, I was not wrong before and I was not wrong now. I gave them a chance to show me some humanity, and they gave me two slaps across the cheeks instead.

I am vindicated in my decision to leave this place- the slaps were enough to show the inadequacy and the lack of humanity and courtesy towards each other. Suffice to say, I am disgusted by the actions of these people and the lack of belief in the fellow human being. It just goes to show that maybe, just maybe, these people deserve their lot in life. I am not better off than them, and I am not more right than them. I do only what I think it is right but most don't have the capacity to even have the basic decency to talk, explain and discuss with each other and jump to conclusion.

P/S: There are a lot of complaints that I can make which I know I have been short-changed- suffice to say that the above are just quite straightforward examples. Suffice to say that, I did not pursue them simply because in truth, I have given up on you- "you" can be anyone of you which have indulged in this behaviour. You know it yourself, I don't wish to name names or identify you out.

Mr Q legend

I used to think how these people who treat me like a fool or weirdo for the past one year actually see themselves. You see, they never know that I actually know what they are saying behind my back or doing behind my back. All they ever see is a smiley, good natured guy who never seems to get ruffled.

I have no intention of treating them like a fool dancing around like little smurfs but you see I have no way of convincing them that they like little pinkies dancing around a totem. Thinking that the totem actually doesn't know what is happening. I don't know to explain to little children that stop playing the games that you play because you look like a fool to me. The best way for such people is simply give them what they are so good at- looking like fools. So I give them the biggest Mr Q impersonation and fool the whole world have ever seen.

You see it was not that difficult to lead them on, it is because of their condescending attitude and pride that did them in. They have a desperate need to show who is superior, who is better, who is smarter, who is more successful, who is better-off. I just let them win everything that's all. But in the end, they get nothing from me except an ego trip that's all. For those that have shown humility and a sense of decency, on the contrary, I don't care about them- simply because if I were to attach myself to them, it would implicate them. Hence, like in the previous post, it is my way of showing thank you to them.

Hence, I have noticed that for the latter group of people, they have been rewarded by others and not by me, in which some people actually concur with my judgement. You see, some people actually take advantage of my idea to try different things which means to reach the mind of people less fortunate of me and make me look like a fool. I know exactly how they feel now and how low and unscrupulous some people can be to people less fortunate than themselves.

For me, I know the funny tactics of these people, I simply act stupid because I know not everyone can see what I see and I need to know what went wrong for them. They have no idea the amount of ruse and con job they have been through to denied opportunities. You see, for me, I have really nothing big to lose. I simply become a leaching good for nothing- and I will not die. But some of the less unfortunate people, they don't even have this luxury.

I have noticed that it is those in the middle whom are the most calculative and most scheming. It is because they cannot decide whether to take the risk or keep what they have that they toggle between being exploitative and throwing people under the bus when things get  bad for them.

It believe that it is their very right to go for things at the cost of others which are less fortunate than them simply because they can, and upward mobility is what our present society can offer. To these people, they switch between oppressive and also floppy when things do not go their way. It is these people that I wish to teach them a lesson. Hence it is to these people that I appear the stupidest because they will get nothing out of me. Even if I hold a treasure map, I will pretend to hold a piece of dirt.

The funny thing about these people is that the amount of trouble they go through to deny people opportunities far exceed the effort they put in to upgrade themselves. They constantly come up ruses firstly to discourage people, make them look like fools and the odd one out and also at the same time make everyone feel inadequate.

These are ruses, simply because  they were not true at all. Because I act stupid, and they continue to come up such elaborate ruses that I wonder why they don't spend more time solving real life problems than actually appearing to solve them. Hence for that one year, I let them take charge. But boy, do they screw things so bad that they upset the rhythm, makes up funny excuses for their inadequacies, stonewalling everyone and everything and even laugh at their own inadequacies in order to still look good. If you try your best, I can understand the latter, this means that the opposite person makes up tricks to deny you- but you are the perpetrator and culprit, what right do you have to look good and proud. But of course, I just look foolhardy- because I wont point out their shortcomings, that is their problem.

You see, for these people whom I will most likely not meet again- I can tell you that you will be stuck in these mindless tautology of mindless blame game and circular name calling and will always be mired in desperate mediocrity because in reality, you are a coward which refuses to face up to the truth. No, I will not be the one to shake you out of your over-confidence, you don't deserve my time.

I will reserve my time for the people whom I mention in the earlier post. They know what they want and they know what is the obstacles and hurdles they face and they face it head on. For these people, I will reserve my harshest comments for, simply because they deserve it more than a mindless prick which is playing games in his own head.

P/S: I can quote you two examples, 1) I would raise red flags if a company continues to change a policy and even refuse to pay me. That is quite a big company- it is a multi-billion dollar MNC headquartered in SG. It was almost quite ridiculous that it was trying to risk not paying someone and  act so flippant about it. Of course, as a fool, I have to leave in a huff- against my better judgement of course. And say, you don't need to pay me. Any other day, I gather evidence and go straight to MOM. But since I don't have evidence, I will leave out the name for now. They know who they are.

2) How can I work for someone whom ask me about women more than I can about my work. Whom actually, try to screw me in front of everyone and I simply said nothing. Of course, since they want to be the king, I came up with lamest excuse and left in the most dramatic fashion, this is to show how stupid I was in and they have won. They did, I planned my defeat by simply letting them win. Then thereafter, they send me a bill to pay for some expenses 6 months. Since the experiment was over, I simply send them back a letter, word for word and say that they did not write to the letter. They did not send me a bill again.

3) I fail the school exams because I wanted to follow the law and see how things pan out. It was actually quite funny that, my computer broke down twice in two different exams. I myself cannot even explain it. I mean any other person would be angry and I was, they even send some people to distract me. Of course I fail it and I fail it the second time because my assessment was so bad that I had to score close to perfect to pass and so I had expect myself to fail. I did so badly for the assessment and did it against my better judgement because I wanted to see how it works to follow the law. I actually hand in an assessment that at the back of my mind that I knew would get bad results. Hence I am more than ready to repeat this module- and quite frankly I want to repeat this module because this was an important module and it was critical to get it right. I did not grasp it well enough, I want to retake it.

But some jokers in my class thought I was inept and I allowed them to let them think likewise hence coming to the end of the whole course: one by one ate their words. I did not want to prove them wrong- because, if I did, this means that I have to point out their weakness which is just plain short-sightedness. I really don't think they were worth my effort

The experiment was over and when the computer broke down again, I knew I was going to repeat my exam anyway and so I make a huge drama blaming everyone else and accepting a zero. You see a zero means you did not attempt the exam which is true. They save my face and I intend to take it.

And when the new year started and ended my experiment, having seen through their true colours, I did not trust them at all and I just gave them wide berth. It was not surprising from my perspective- but for them, how did a fool became so savvy. Haha...

Of course, they continue to taunt me and say like I was anti-social, weird  and stuff. Well, I know why, they just don't, that's all.

From now on, if people were to tell me that I cannot hire you or cannot trust you because of your past, my first thought is that: you have been conned. I am a "fool" and not a con man- if you don't know who is the con man, you have to find out yourself. A "fool" is many times better than a "con" man.

I have no issue with my work ethic and capability. I worked 7 days a week for 2 years. The only thing I do not know is how low people can go- it is really low, I realise. This one year proved to me one very simple thing: people have to be controlled. Not everyone is like me which will push even if no one is breathing under your neck. They will cut corners when given any chance. I gave them one year to prove me wrong- and everyone proved me right.

 And if you cannot even see the facts right in front of you and make the correct picture of who is the good and who is the bad one. There is nothing I can do for you.

Hence leaving somewhere else is never a problem for me- I wont die. Meanwhile, you just have to suffer each other that's all.

Since everyone want to throw a PR campaign to discredit me in every way- you just have to find another target next year that's all. And if I am still around, you cannot accuse a person the same thing twice, that is call double jeopardy. No one believes you anymore. There is nothing wrong in being different, there is something very wrong if you are "morally wrong". In Malay, there is something call "Bijah Lobang". You have wasted your chance in really criticizing me, because it was served back onto you.

You lose, I win.

[ I told you, nothing happened coincidentally. I have mentioned this and even warned you before. You just don't believe me that's all.]

Thank you.

As I look back the past years, I realised that I have been quite a lucky man. I don't know how I am able to get so many people to do things for me, when I give them only nary of an attention. I was so focused on doing my job that I didn't even notice the things that they have been doing for me.

I am not going to name names to protect their identity. But, as I look back, I think I have neglected them as I was focused on jobs that I did not notice them and their efforts.

I really have to name them one by one to give them justice. I don't think they will ever read this, but I think they deserve a word from me to let them know, I actually notice- but I am have a lot other commitments to look at.

I used to think I was chasing my ex-girlfriend. But I realise that it was the other way around. I thought she was tricking me and messing around with me but I realise that I did not notice the effort they put into it.

She was so desperate to impress me and that she had to make herself "smaller" in front of me because she does not feel adequate in front of me. She was always trying to "polish" her skills but refuse to admit it in front of me for fear that I think she was not good enough for me. In fact, the only way, she can grab my attention- at least according to her- was do exactly what I say without me realising it because she does not feel adequate enough. But me being me, I just keep on rambling on and on about what she should, and how she can do better.

I don't think I gave her sufficient security that I will not leave her simply because I made her feel that she was not good enough for me. It came to a point whereby she had to prove that she was outgoing and outspoken by making me feel terrible. In reality, she was just afraid and not sure of how to handle these insecurities. Me being me, I just felt that she was being childish and was incapable of dealing of the emotions and deal with the real world. Personally I still think it is true, but I should not have been too direct with them. I come from the school of hard knocks while being enrolled with a silver spoon on my mouth- hence it was very difficult for me to understand how come anyone with other backgrounds cannot do the same.

Towards the end of the relationship, she was changing so much for me that I think I pushed her so hard that she felt old with her friends. I never have any problem being the odd one out so long as it benefits. But not everyone thinks like this. I remember once she said that: she like to be around people and I can be with or without people around me. The next day, or a Sunday night, she stayed at home to make cardboard frames for photos. I bought dinner for her and she blew me off- I think she was trying very hard.

On another occasion, she even placed books in her house just to make sure that I know she reads- [ but I know she doesn't] because she saw my bookcase was filled with books. She was trying so hard to keep me along that she had to act like a "princess" when she knows she isn't- trying to make me feel that she was important and worth it. I knew it and I played along with it because I thought she was childish and I had to go along with it.

These are the various occasions that she has done for me from the top of my head and I know that it is a lot more but it's been so long that I cannot recall anymore of that. But I never did appreciate all these because it require a lot of effort from them even though I expect a lot from them. Hence I am very happy that if they are happy and they are applying what I wish to impart to them, I would be very happy for her too. I know she is doing well now, having move back home which is exactly what she wants and have been promoted too- I am happy for her.

Let's move a little closer to recent times. You know I have a tendency of attracting people without knowing what to do with them later. I used to have this colleague whom I believed that have the hots for me. I used to run a small blogshop and was left with a few pieces after my partner and I found full time jobs and was not able to run the place anymore. I gave the pieces away to some of my colleagues.

So one day, I brought some pieces and intend to give it to them to choose and bring home. I think for some reason I thought that this white sunshine dress was quite suitable for her and I thought she should have it. Of course, in front of everyone, she refused it but brought the piece home later without telling me or anyone- I only found out from another colleague.

The next day, she asked everyone whether everyone want Gong Cha. But she refused to ask me. At that time, I did not think much and only thought she was acting weirdly and trying to mess around with me- and thought she was childish and just sort played along too. But as I look back, I realise one simple thing: she was trying to tell me that she don't mind being "Gong" since I gave her a "white" dress, she thought that I was asking to be like that so that I that I will like her.

Just before I left that place, she was trying to defend me as I had a few run-ins with the management by trying to implement and acting forcefully about this policy thing. I am not going to discuss whether it was justified, but of course, at that point in time, I thought she was in cahoots with the management. Because apparently only she was very adamant about the whole thing.

Anyway, I wont name names, I only like to highlight what she has done for me. I have no idea what she is doing now but all I know, I appreciate what she has done. I think that is the least she deserved. As always, before I left the place, my mind was what to do next and did not thought about what to do next about her- I think she deserves it.

I only like to say that I know what is happening but there are times, where it is simply not the right time or place for me to act to reveal my intentions- sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I think there is one more occasion where I have to highlight and I also owe quite a lot to her.

I have been attending school for nine months and I know the amount of things she has done for me- but I can only say that sometimes my hands are tied behind my back and there is only this much I can do.

You see this girl that I have mention quite a few posts ago have been putting herself to a limp that I feel bad that I made her look like a slut without actually trying to redeem her reputation.

She was constantly trying to get my attention in spite of the whisperings of others and even to the point whereby she doesn't need to be so thick skin when she is really very attractive. Initially, while in school, I was only trying to pass the exams and I am really good at passing exams and acting nonchantly in class but the rest of the guys in the class disagree- and they feel I should work as hard as them and get the same result. They feel that intelligence does not give you a free ride and hence if I work hard, they play games, if I play games, they work hard.

But she was the only one whom will try to make me look good, rather than trying to make me look bad even at the expense of her own. Initially I thought she was really slutty and I cannot imagine how a person can act so openly and I thought she was acting very dangerously and if she was trying to get my attention, that was very childish.

But as time wore on, she understands how I work, instead, she tries to make me look good like if I was slow in something, she would also look "stupid". But at that time, I was already quite afraid of her actions and was trying to bail out and I was determined to go through with it. But as I noticed longer, I realised that all she was doing was trying to get my attention and I like to say that I really appreciate everything that she has done even at the risk of looking bad. She was not slutty, she had to, because they accused me of being one hence in fact she was trying to make me look "good" while looking "bad".

The consolation is that the lecturers realises it and also played along with her, but I had to play along with the rest of the guys to balance things out. Hence, I like to say that I do appreciate everything she has done, and we are all acting with hands tied behind our back. But never act so recklessly and dangerously again, it is not worth it.

I am happy that she has done so much for me and I am really happy that her efforts has been recognized by other's, I believed she is the only one with a job waiting for her.

All in all, I just like to say I appreciate all the things that these ladies has done for me. And I am totally appreciative of that. But you have to understand that the more the attention I am given, the more I have to play with the guys, otherwise things will never balance out. I know, but I can't say it out.

The above is the least I can do for you.

Thank you and wish you every success in everything and be happy.

[P/S: I know, that's why I have always been impervious to the taunts- and I know what people are doing. Think hard, if I respond to the taunts and accusations, what good would it be for everyone

I just don't want to embarrass you. You like me, I know. That's the least I can do.]

Some people ask me why do I care so little when people walk away, look above: I am a contented man. I have done little and gain so much, other's do so many things and only gain irritation and disdain. I am happy. I am happy if you are happy.

There are many others. I know. The above are just some of the examples: to all of you, [ even supposed "working girls", I know.] Thank you for very much.

I always win. You just don't know that, that's all. In the game of love and everything else, you only gain the idea and illusion that's all. By the way, you will never know and find it, because you are looking all at all the wrong places.

Do the right thing, and you will get the right rewards. Do not mix up the cause with the effect. Look at those girls above- they have gain more than you have lost, because they believe in things larger than themselves.

Love is not justification for anything but an end in itself. You fudge it, you fudge yourself.

I am winner simply because I did not take advantage of that. But use that to their advantage and not mine. That makes me a bigger person and a winner in every single way.

You don't even know how you lose: you lost in the biggest public relations battle of your life. This is the biggest public relations battle of your life. You gave it to me without me doing anything. It is the battle of the hearts. You capitulated- it just took one year to show and demonstrate everything, what everyone and you have up the sleeve- tricks. It wasn't even difficult- I just have to have staying power that's all.

Thank you.

Do you know why democracy always win, that is exactly the biggest mistake that you can always make. You can have all the power, but you can never have the approval. Never underestimate the power of the weak- the weak have weapons you never know- and they have the numbers. You will lose. Power is nothing without approval. No right, no authority. No authority, no legitimacy. Violence without right or "tricks" for authority is the recipe for corruption and capitulation. Look at Egypt and Syria- they will go down.

Power without love or approval is just violence and denial is simply the acknowledgement of a lost of approval- the more you deny, the more you lose. You worse you look in front of everyone. Hence even if I did nothing, the approval is tacit. We only need to circumvent power that's all. And the bigger the wall, the stronger the disapproval- the more you do yourself in.

Hence that is why, even I am sitting on my hands: I can only say thank you to these women- because they are very brave, risk takers and know what they want and work towards it. Much more than the men I know whom only know only to sneak around and snaking into different holes that's all.

Kudos to you. Once again, I wish all the best in everything- I am sure you will do fine.

Efficiency and Effectiveness

Today, I was thinking that is the push for efficiency the only thing and the only thing that is important. This means that we do everything, cheaper, better and faster. There is a pertinent difference between effectiveness and efficiency- we can be cheaper, better and faster but we are not necessarily "better-off".

Let us at this particular context of efficiency. Efficiency is a "given" good simply because consumers and all vested stakeholders want more things, better things and for a bigger bang for the buck- but is it necessarily good for the "consumer" per se. We can give a better iPhone to the consumer at a cheaper price but how then does it benefit the consumer which maybe have say an extra $40 in the pocket.

Efficiency in this particular context is an expected given simply because "monopoly" is a "dirty word". In fact efficiency is the weapon that is used against the big, bad corporation just like how social equity is used against authoritarian regimes. Since the market wants cheaper and better products faster, hence we should reward all market players which achieve this particular goal- sounds very familiar right, think democracy. Since we are all equal, therefore we all should have an equal say in everything.

This wave of cheaper, better and faster is simply the result of anything that even resembles anything that is considered "establishment". This means that I am an individual, "I am cheaper, better and faster" hence I should be rewarded, hence we should screw the jobs of the older folks who slower and not as quick to learn as us and not able to pick up technology as fast as us. I really don't care about their livelihood and whether they have maybe have some medical bills to foot. Democracy is not like that isn't it, that is your capitalist attitude writ large right- what then is the difference between the "big bad corporation" and "you". Since you are the "small" player in the market hence you are entitled to be ruthless compared with the big boys whom are obligated to implement pension plans, medical entitlements and other form of corporate responsibility.

Let us say then, you indeed create a product that is better, faster, and cheaper- but then you did it because you don't have the burden of these organizations. When you become big, you will collapse because your previous ethos will kill you.

You see the market argument is so persuasive simply because it ties in so nicely with the democratization of the market place. This means that if you are good, you should be rewarded. 100 years ago, the people who owe the sweat shops also said the same thing- I am better educated hence you should work for me. What then is the difference between these early capitalist and today's: "innovate or die" approach.

Personally, I have the same experience: you see during my time in uni days, only 1 in 10 of us carry a laptops to school to copy notes. Most of us write on notepads. Now, the moment I enter the class, the first thing, anyone do is to open up the laptop. It took me a longer time to pick up excel simply because my previous jobs and education did not require me to do so and then the younger students whom were given laptops by the school- suddenly played counterstrike while completing their excel spreadsheets. Of course, those courses that require excel, they would do it better and faster than me and of course, their powerpoint presentation will be more sleek than mine. But I caught up eventually of course. That is not the point. The point is that if they were doing this in class, they will carry the same attitude outside.

This means that they believe that better, faster and cheaper is always better than simply better or "better off". That is the difference between effectiveness and efficiency. They were probably infinitely efficient than me or anyone, but a computer is infinitely faster and cheaper than any human- the difference between a computer and a human, is that the former will have to input rules into the computer in order to crunch the data and even this new thing called "self-learning" computers. But the human acts on his own agency.

Let us just put this "cheaper, better and faster" argument that is better off for everyone forward, this means that with the extra cash or value in the market, they can buy some other things to fulfil some other needs. My question is that, if a computer or 1 person can do 10 persons job, of what efficiency is of any use, if 9 people cannot participate in the market place. You make things cheaper for that one person, while making 9 others impossible to participate in it. So what if you are cheaper, better and faster.

Do not confuse the market argument with social equity arguments. Democracy is good if there is a sharing of power, isn't the above, a concentration of power instead. Hence the idea of an efficient market is a normative value and not as a given. This means, we can be most efficient organization or person in the world, but we are not necessarily the most well-off one.

The market rewards more or less, "cheaper, better and faster" but it does not necessarily means that it is what everyone wants. Of what use is that, if no one can afford it.

Being Fair

There is something that I can safely say that I have not put much thought into: that is I have never really how to handle someone who likes me more than I like them. My first reaction is actually more of pleasantries. The second part is then to find out what are they looking for and the last part is often why the hell they want what they want.

You will realise that, I did not come into picture at all. This is because like everything that is important, I believe that things should happen naturally and spontaneously. This means that it must be authentic and not based on some preconceived notion of something or someone.

But I begin recently to realise that what is natural for me is not necessarily natural for others. This means that I am perfectly comfortable with talking to strangers and bantering with them and thereafter we become quite comfortable with each other. It never occurred to me that it is actually much harder for others to approach me than me approaching them. Hence I have a tendency to notice those that are confident and are on the same wavelength as me.

Let me give you my thoughts on this: personally I feel that the quality of chatting a stranger is a skill that everyone should acquire. It is not necessarily reserved for just dating, in fact it should be a skill for everyone. Hence I never give anyone any easy quarters regarding this, this means that if you are scared, I will not prop you up because you must learn to overcome this fear.

But then I begin to realise that I might be alienating too many people with this ability to the point where they don't feel comfortable hanging around me because they feel intimidated and feel small beside me.

I recall this event when I was Vietnam with my then girlfriend, she was so angry that I was bantering with the Vietnamese girls for discount that she gave me the black face and folded her arms the whole time. My first thoughts was that, this is a market, have a joke and maybe we can have a good deal but of course, she wasn't chit chatty sort and really felt very uncomfortable that I was so comfortable. [ you see everytime, I walk past them in the market, they will poke my tummy. I think she was fuming]

But anyway, I digress. The point is that I really might be too mature for my age. I really am too "experienced" so to speak for my age. Hence I think that a lot of people act like kids, even people my age act like kids.

You see, when I like someone or is interested in someone, I will go up and say hello. I really don't see any problem with that. But for other's, it might be such a big leap of faith that it actually means a lot to them. Hence I might be too judgemental and did not consider their feelings when I reach such conclusions. This means that it will disappoint them very easily. Anyway, that is not my intention, my intention is nothing more than: just come say hello, there is not opportunity cost in that. This means that no matter what happen, the worst thing that can happen is that nothing will happen. Because I will not embarrassed you. And you will walk away more confident.

Even as I wrote this, I began to look back and realise that my this girlfriend above might just be trying so hard to be on my level that she might still be trying to understand what I was trying to do. I mean, what is past, hence I believe that she has probably move on after so many years but anyway, I just realise that I might be way too intimidating for her and she was trying to do catch up and I have this sneaky feeling that she is probably still doing it now.

But anyway, she is listening, and if she is reading this: I just like to say that it is perfectly fine, just be yourself- there isn't a need to change or anything. The worst thing I want is for someone to imitate me or try to emulate me to feel good enough. I mean if there is a chance together means, you are always good enough.

There are some parts of me that isn't perfect, just because I appear confident doesn't mean that I don't know it.

Hence I think there isn't a need to be afraid, scared or not good enough- look at me, I don't even look like Aaron Kwok and I just think, God is fair, we are good at some things and bad at others. I just happen to be good at many things that's all- it's not your fault that "he" is fairer to me that's all.

Face, Kids and Marriages

I was having dinner with my family and my grandma at a Japanese restaurant the other day. I can safely tell you how cheap Singaporeans can be. You see I think that Singaporeans are trying to extort money from the government by threatening to not give birth to babies and support the Singapore population. I think Singaporeans should get their mind straight by reminding themselves that if they can turn off the tap of immigrants, they can easily turn it back on again.

I saw this family, I think about my age with a few kids and like trying to tell the whole world that just because I am married and have babies, I must have privilege for everything. You must be joking right. Families with babies are a nuisance and besides, only people with nothing to look forward to have babies and families.

You can almost see the smugness on their faces like it is wrong to have dinner with your family and grandma on a Saturday night. If I just want to pissed them off, I can simply order a bride from somewhere and have a baby just about tomorrow. I really don't quite understand why a grown couple can feel very proud about having children and wife. You should feel happy and not proud.

If I am happy, I do not need to tell the whole world that I am happy. It is precisely because you are upset about something that's why you need to find someone or something to compare against to feel happy. I have nothing against families and being married. I just have something against getting hitched just to prove that I belong to a particular society.

If I married and then I start to show off because I am getting married, is like trying to tell the world I just bought new car and please look at me. I think if you get married for this reason, you are really screwed and I seriously think you are nuts. I meant that not in a sarcastic manner, I literally mean you are nuts.

And after 2 years when that "showing off" feeling wears off, what are you going to do about it, have children of course. And what do you do, show off your children of course. Hell, even if I am being picked over married guy for anything, I still won't get married just for that sake. I have this sneaky feeling that some people actually get married for that particular reason and I really sympathize with them. And once again, I don't mean it sarcastically.

I don't want a job to got to me if I am married. I want a job to go to me because I am right for the job. And at the same time, I still think that is quite sacred and even if you if it happens, it should be for the right reasons and after a while, you feel compelled to show off, I seriously think that you did not marry for the right reasons.

No, I don't feel compelled to feel left out and feel inadequate just because I am not married at an appropriate age. If marriage is trying to show how attractive you are to the opposite sex, and then trust me, it is not that difficult. And if marriage is for you to demonstrate that you care enough for someone to start a family, then it is not to show off. It is because you seriously want to get married.

The couple at the restaurant and even some of my relatives whom somehow feel a very strange pride in seeing someone get married without whether even sure that giving birth to a child is a right thing to do surprises me. If you are a technician and working to make ends meet, you are likely to have a kid to do exactly the same thing, unless he/she is an outlier or abit prodigious. Hence I wouldn't want to get married to show off, I will get married because I want to. But I think judging from the observations of some Singaporeans- they believed in the former.

Trust me, if you are former and you want to squeeze the government to get some benefits, they will simply open the tap and let the immigrants flood in again- suddenly your "ill-thought out" kid  becomes a burden to society and they suddenly blame the government for opening the tap. I think it is best that you marry and give birth for the right reasons and not to show off that you have "grown up" or want to get "privileges" due to some "normative values".

Compete with someone on equal playing field and then give birth for the normative ones- I seriously think that your brain must be screwed to have this flipped the other way around.

P/S: I have nothing against kids and families but for crying out loud, we are Chinese so keep your family affairs to yourself.

Similarly, since apparently I am prone and susceptible to madness hence this renders me of not of marriageable quality and so in this case, I will live out in pension somewhere else and use some my old money to get passive income. 5% on a million dollars is not that difficult to live on actually- besides I have place to stay right. Look mad, or not mad- I will live. Hence your opinion is never important to me.

Seeya when I seeya.

Hola!!

I am going to tell you straight up that teamwork is over-rated. People whom pretend to be team players are the biggest threat to the team. People who actually sound off and make noise before it becomes worse makes better team players than the one that will acquiesce on everything single thing. Teamwork is actually having the team outcome as an end itself and not the treat as a means to which the end is actually the individual itself.

This is so easy to see when you see inauthenticity. Inauthentic is when you take a step back when you speak everything. It is like you are calculating your own interest when you make every move. A team player should be second nature, this means that regardless of the environment, you basic nature should always shine true. This means that if you are an introvert, you work best in the back office, if you are a diplomatic person, you are work in the middle office and if you speak well, you are in the front office. Hence if the back office accuse the front office for not talking too much, then you can always exchange job for a day and see how each other fare for a day. I can safely tell you that the back office person will die in front of the customer- it took me very long to hone the skill and I tell you that it is hell of a lot of difference.

The front office person faces the customer and knows the difficulties of the buying customer- and if you are customer oriented person- independent of management intervention- shouldn't you try to bend to the will of the front office person. Assuming that the front office person says the truth and not to put himself/herself in front of the line.

There is a reason why I desperately shift from the back office to the front office because I want to know how to drive a business but my experience with people that execute the transactions have an attitude that front office people are extremely cocky and only wants their way. If the customer is not cocky, we do not need to be cocky. Blame the management for being customer-focused and not the person that deals with it.

I can safely tell you that the person that executes the deal is really different from the person selling the deal. It is a whole new ball game, the customer does not want to hear why the hell you have to sign this and why you have to do this. They only want to get the things done- people executing the deals doesn't understand that we have to treat you as internal customers just to get things done.

I once have to fight so hard for a customer that I am not sure why I am fighting so hard. It is like the people there don't want to do a deal. I mean if you have an unique product which only you have, you might get away with being rude, but when you have generic products, there isn't much difference and how fast and how easy and how comprehensive you get it done is the only differentiating factor.

There are some people who complain that I don't follow up with customers after doing the deal- people in service line have the luxury of waiting to come to them and not the other way around. This means that it is not their problem, if there is no business. If you are the one hunting for deals, your job is always to keep expanding your network to sniff out deals.

They say I have terrible relationship management skills, which means that I don't go out with customers to have dinner with them. In this world and in my line, relationship management is measured by how much you discount you can give me. Those people with a recurring customer base does this very simple thing: they wait for the previous person to exit and to take the portfolio and do very minimal contact and leave it to other's to do their job. They will have a recurring piece of business but they did not increase the pie at all. They still think that the previous person is still in the job and they panicked only when people start leaving. That's when management comes down hard and then by then they just make another person leave and take their portfolio. I have seen it happen so many times that the only reason I stayed was to pick up all the skills. I have mentioned before that when I leave the whole team literally disappears.

That is not the way to run a business and become managers. Of course some of these people do become managers but they run the business by doing what all corporate managers do and what they do before they become one. They find the weakest and cut them off as soon as possible. They reduce cost and find cheap young things to replace them.

Their business model is as such: cut cost, find the cheapest one and fire the weakest and drive the highest performing ones so hard that the rest have no choice but to overworked or leave, or engage in a form of politics that is malignant. I was not interested in becoming a manager of this form. You are not running a business- you are a manager. No proper business model runs like this because you have the benefit of the top management driving the revenue for you and everyone looks at the topline and not always the bottomline.

When I see some of former colleagues going to these areas, I cannot help but think that sigh, the circle continues. They will die if they leave this place- they have nothing else up their sleeve. This means that they are condemned to be in this industry and hope for handouts for the managers. It means that they are not in control of their destiny even if they have constant stream of income. They will play the find the chair before the music stops game all the time. They really don't have the "skill" to understand a "business" per se. Am I envious, no. Do I feel lousy, no. Do I feel inadequate, no. If I really want to play the game, they will not stand a chance at all. It is because, I am looking beyond this, and that is why I let it slide.

If they want to truly run a business, I can be partners with them- but it is precisely this type of tactic that I abhor which means that I want to have nothing to do with them. But of course, they believe they have a good deal, that's why I just keep quiet. Anyway, I bought a house with my mom. I would have sold it away had it not been for her.

Let's just say, I am in the money, I don't need to find the musical chair when the song ends- because I have wealth- and I have more skills in my bag then if I continue and fight with them for these quite parochial jobs- it must be said. I can also tell you: they will be condemned to middle management mediocrity, that much I can tell you for sure.

No one runs a business like that- only the top managers and executives know and real business people know. That is the managerial and corporatist perspective. And not the capitalist view- they are not one and the same. A manager and a capitalist are two different animals altogether.

Now you know why I have no "friends" my age!!

[P/S: you know why heads and CEOs and even billionaires visit me a lowly banker, because I am being groomed that's why I am the star- you stupid!!. Thank you.]

[ To paraphrase the MasterCard advert: Some moments are priceless, for everything else there is MasterCard!!]

Take a Shot

Why I quit the middle class like I just went into the toilet and out. There are some people whom have kill me for my job and history. Banker, Product Manager and Treasury- all within 3 years. So there are some whom call me crazy that I treat my job opportunities like I just went into the toilet and out.    

You see I would be in middle class respectability had I stand where I was and just moved along with the flow. I might have got married to someone with exactly the same aspirations as me and I might be living in a condo and a car, with a few kids on tow within a few years. It means that I lived the typical Singapore dream of at least 4 of the 5Cs. But why then did I literally throw this away. Actually, I didn't want to throw it away- but I was forced to do so.

And no, I didn't do it because I couldn't handle the pressure. It was simply like the previous post, I do not have the same inclination to get where I used to be that's all. Besides, truth be told is that, as I mentioned in earlier posts before, I was not just looking to just climb the ladder, I want to gain hold of it. The only way to know what I am up to is to find out what I am up against. I realised that it was a lot larger than I expected- because it was systemic.

I used to believe that so long as you work hard or have a goal and be the best you are, you will get where you want to be. I was quite wrong. I was faced with problems so large that I knew that I could not surmount, that is why I need to step out and find out why.

I think some people call me crazy when I told my boss I wanted to be a CEO, look it was a gamble and also at the same time, I seriously want to give it a shot. If I continue where I was, I know I will never get there. Only by taking a gamble, will I ever have a whisper of a chance. That is why I did some think that was considered crazy as I literally throw what I already have away.

I was not looking to be a the CEO of a retail chain or fast food chain. I was looking to be at least a country CEO of a bank and so I had to throw everything I got but not bang my head against the wall.

And as I took time to look back retrospectively, I realised all the mistakes that I have made was making me further away from being CEO than I was if I was working there. This means that I was not nothing more than a star performer and not a CEO material. I was a terrible manager and CEO if I was to become one, if I ever did become one. It is simply because my bosses couldn't afford to lose a star performer and let them become a manager. The gap is too big a gap for them to fill and they never let me allow me not to be a star.

In fact, as I look back, my whole life was predicated on being a star performer than a manager, I was a terrible manager and in managing things- because people was getting things done for me. This means that I was good at making people look at me and really getting things done. In fact, I would make a good manager if and only if people can read my mind simply because my mind works creatively- which means that I make brilliant things but not in quantity and not at demand. This means that in order to churn things out, people have to read my mind, and this is not always the case.

Hence even if I work very hard and was very good at what I do, I was not manager material and would never become one simply because I was a star and not a manager. A star cannot be a manager because unless I act like a dictator, things will not get done. My ego and in fact, my need to shine and be better than everyone got in my way. I was driven to be better than anyone and not to run a piece of business- that require another type of skill which I realise I really sorely lack.

In fact, I need to be more boring and focus on control elements than to always having to find solutions for all types of situations- which is what a star is expected to be. Like the playmaker of a football team- the captain is of a different breed altogether.

I was the person whom you find when you have a problem and not the person when you have to push the team forward. I was only good at what I do and that's it. Surprisingly as I find out more about this, the less I want to be a bank CEO, but the more I want to work in company which have direct contact with customers and at the same time, which actually produces value for customers than just shifting money around.

I mean I could have found it out myself have I stay where I was but I never realise what I was sorely lacking and in reality, I need to find that out fast if not I would be angry and pissed off with everyone including management, my colleagues and my customers.

This means that I will never change my ways because I was so good at what I was doing and everyone was just simply tolerating my shortcomings because I provided a function that is critical for them but not where I wanted it to be.

Hence, let's just say that I threw away a shot at middle class respectability for a shot at the top. But as I delve further, I begin to realise that I have so many other strengths that might make even an CEO, or running a business less meaningful than actually doing something more than just being in control and making lots of money.

I would probably make a better CEO or manager now but a lousier and a less motivated performer and I realise that I can even make it as an academic. I might have never envision myself as one because I always thought myself as a do-er than a thinker but an academic is more of a do-er than a thinker because if you want to be a good one, it requires a lot of rigorous thinking than a CEO does because the latter have a chance to rectify the mistakes later, the former have to get it right. I always used to think the concepts are important, the exams are just simply a manner of testing them- I only take it to pass them that's all- since I was looking to apply them at work and not to be an academic. Well, let's just say generalizations was the name of the game and details is just a stopping me from enjoying life.

This change has cost me a lot. I did not work for close to two years losing almost $100,000 of income, I did not chalk up any working experience since then- it was big opportunity cost. It even costs me my friends and some of relationships because I did not want them to treat the same way, I was being treated all along.

You see the change has been so difficult as I cannot act upon my instincts which have come so naturally to me and have actually me quite successful at what I used to do. It was quite hard to restrain yourself when you see all the opportunities.

That is why, I have taken so much heckling from so many people and I did not want to be the same person again and have refused to use my charm and get away with everything. I did not want to outsmart everyone but try to understand things instead. That is why it was so difficult for me which is so used to be a star and can solve things at whim- but now I literally have consider a whole lot of other things besides just getting what I want. This means that I cannot just solve a problem- I have to consider things like how is it going to affect others. It was very much harder- and you will realise at your 20s that this will satisfy you and you actually satisfaction from it but as you grow older, you will realise that some times "better" is not necessarily "better".

Anyway, no regrets, in fact this change might cost me more than that, it might even cost me losing my place around places that I am familiar with- it might even cost me to lose my middle class respectability which was simple for me to maintain had I continue my lifestyle. I need to leave this context.

But I had to lose the middle ground to take a stab at the top, that's why I have to let go of so many things. I still don't know whether I can make it- but at least I have so many stories to tell when I am older and so even as I end up at the bottom of the heap, it still doesn't faze me. I gave it a shot and we will see. 

Bon Voyage to me.

Bon Soir

A few posts ago, I wrote about dark themes- which is about sex, violence and desires. I then continue to go on about the intellectual quality behind these themes. Today, I was taking the train and I was walking through the bookstore[again, I know], I then began to realise that people collapsed the gratification of the desire with the intellectual quality behind it. This means that, sex is just simply the satiating of this particular desire and nothing else- this is then scary for people who do not understand it.

I remember reading about Roman Polanski and his alleged statutory rape of a 16 year old girl and being prosecuted in the US, but he continue to make "Oscar" and Cannes Festival quality film in Europe in spite of being hounded and dogged by this particular allegations. I am not going to say that he was right to do that and he was setting a very bad example for those who might aspire to be like him but I think to him it was nothing more than an intellectual exercise, I suspect. This means that he is not the disgusting old man at the corner of the red light looking to pick up women to bring home and perform deviant sexual acts on them- but I suspect that he was trying to satiate that curious intellectual side of his and understand what drives men or people to do that in the first place. That's my suspicion, as I think he is some proper monogamous relationship with some women now and if you are a sex depraved maniac, you don't make Oscar films and Cannes winners just like that but anyway I digress.

Okay, as I sat there earlier, I thought what is the desire that drives men or women to do such things in the first place and then how come I began to feel bored with it or not inspired to do anything pertaining to it.

The thing about desire or this Dionysian spirit has nothing about the gratification of it but rather it is the dance that matters- it is the intoxication that makes it so alluring. The sex or whatever gratification is nothing more than the end or even by product of this dance. To me, I think it is ok to dance but just don't get addicted to it. I even went to the extend to visit seedy KTV bars to understand what is the allure- and once you visited it, you will understand the difference.

To be sure, the friends was fooling around with me, they believe that the dance must end with a "happy ending" to parody massage parlours. They never realised that these women are not dancing, and even if they were dancing- they were swaying their hips and nothing else. This means that they were not authentic, they were surface acting. This means that they were outside of themselves, this means that they were really effectively mannequins or just social escorts. Look it might be a little to "high level" to those just want to "do it", but hear me out and you will realise that "high or low" there is a reason you keep coming back and never satisfied.

You see courtship is like a dance, you take one step back I take one step forward and therein lies the allure. For these women, they want you to take one step forward, their job is to stay still and make sure you come- end of story. That's why, you only want a different women all the time. Because the music is that short. The same short dance but with a different music that's all. I mean horny men have no interest for this nonsense, maybe, try to say no for one night and tell me how you feel the next day- you will feel difference.

And then I will come back to normal women, look I say this not because I think the women are interested in me. But rather you see, I don't want to dance anymore. The first thing I see about women is: "been there and done  that", there is no allure or myth at all. Let us then come back to the young nubile women which I should be attracted too, since they are expected to be desirable.

Let us just say that they are normal ladies and not working ladies, there is this thing called "moronic beauty", this means that " a beauty that is so in your face, it almost like a blank piece of paper." There isn't any attraction at all. This form of "moronic beauty" becomes incredibly common once you get abit older, this means that they are beautiful and nothing else. Either you use them or you hang them up like a wallflower. No offence, I am not trying to say that they are stupid or foolish, it is just type of feeling that you get when you get old and bored. It is really not your fault but it is just the thing you get after a while.

Let me contrast this with your first love or crush- what do you think of him or her when you first meet the person, you get nervous and you think he/she is everything right- and then once you break up, he/she is everything that he/she is not right. Then repeat it like 4-5 times of this feeling- you get the feeling that I get now.

But you see, the thing about men, or at least me, you need to have some form of allure or attraction to start anything off in the first place, and once you don't have that initial attraction, it is very difficult to sustain the "dance" so to speak.

I have to speak coldly on this, but the fact that my last dance was so intense that you cannot replace it and the thing about dances is that you want to better or higher otherwise, it is very difficult to sustain something that "doesn't seem right."

I am not trying to say that I am still in love with my last girlfriend but all I am saying is that for any attraction to be self-sustaining- it must top it. That's why I really find it difficult to stir up anything inside. That is why I realise that why I cannot seem to even try to even want to dance long enough to even try that hard.

Recently, I even meet some girls which I can safely tell you is every man's fantasy, and I didn't even budge. It is not like they are not attractive, but rather they are so attractive that I find it difficult to keep dancing without feeling tired. Let's just say that, if it was a few years back and I was given the same chance, I dived in head first, but if you are me right now- it is playing the same music but only with a different person, there isn't any over-riding attraction that makes me coming back for more. I am not saying that you should pander to all my needs, I am just saying that maybe I am tired and have seen so many things, it makes me fatigued and have no impetus to keep dancing to "Firestarter".

And this thing about "moronic beauty" keeps on playing up and you meet with young punks- and I don't blame them- and sometimes dirty old men, keep on going on and on about it, you just feel that better to let a "moron go to a moron." No offence, I don't say it like in terms of intelligence but rather in terms of viewpoint and experience. Look a "moronic beauty" is still a beauty, but sometimes, it takes a lot to satisfy a beauty even a "moronic" one which means that they know they are "in demand" but they just want to have fun and I sometimes don't want to or have the stamina to keep chasing.

Hence, as you see as I sat on the train and I look as ever growing age gap, the young girls and their "moronic beauty" and even the older folks with their "distant charm", I sometimes really just want a 7-11 cappuccino that's all. And that is not all women want. [ But desire is an intellectual exercise for me and not the satisfaction of the physical need that's all. I want it but not necessarily want to keep it.]

In final word, desires or love is also a class conflict. This means that above has nothing to do with class. To them love and desire is a matter of possessing it, and this also speaks to race too and even age. It is matter of class, racial and even generational pride.

You see the above to me has nothing to do with the class, race or age to me- that is why I think love is the truth, that is exactly why it makes it so elusive. That is exactly why, I don't feel angry or possessive with all these inter-racial or inter-class or inter-anything. It might rile some others, it will not rile me. Hence I can safely tell you that love, desire and all things is almost as intellectual to me as actually writing all the above.

I can shield you from incriminating eyes, I will pretend I don't see anything.

P/S: You know why, desire without the intellectual quality is so important, it is the difference between what makes a human and what makes an animal. A singular pursuit for it is like the monkey who will have sex with all the female just because he can, a human does it because it "desires".

You can either moralize desire or intellectualize it. Moralizing makes one good but stupid- which is not very fashionable now. Intellectualizing provides a rational basis- and tell you why you are like that, hence it makes it expensive in effort and desirable actually. This means that it reduces demand simply by making it intellectually and time consuming. Trust me, once you understand it, you will want less of it and not more of it.

If you understand it, it makes you a connoisseur, and you want less of good things and not more of bad things, it increase investment and makes it in a larger context, the "market" more efficient.

Bon Soir.