Bon Soir

A few posts ago, I wrote about dark themes- which is about sex, violence and desires. I then continue to go on about the intellectual quality behind these themes. Today, I was taking the train and I was walking through the bookstore[again, I know], I then began to realise that people collapsed the gratification of the desire with the intellectual quality behind it. This means that, sex is just simply the satiating of this particular desire and nothing else- this is then scary for people who do not understand it.

I remember reading about Roman Polanski and his alleged statutory rape of a 16 year old girl and being prosecuted in the US, but he continue to make "Oscar" and Cannes Festival quality film in Europe in spite of being hounded and dogged by this particular allegations. I am not going to say that he was right to do that and he was setting a very bad example for those who might aspire to be like him but I think to him it was nothing more than an intellectual exercise, I suspect. This means that he is not the disgusting old man at the corner of the red light looking to pick up women to bring home and perform deviant sexual acts on them- but I suspect that he was trying to satiate that curious intellectual side of his and understand what drives men or people to do that in the first place. That's my suspicion, as I think he is some proper monogamous relationship with some women now and if you are a sex depraved maniac, you don't make Oscar films and Cannes winners just like that but anyway I digress.

Okay, as I sat there earlier, I thought what is the desire that drives men or women to do such things in the first place and then how come I began to feel bored with it or not inspired to do anything pertaining to it.

The thing about desire or this Dionysian spirit has nothing about the gratification of it but rather it is the dance that matters- it is the intoxication that makes it so alluring. The sex or whatever gratification is nothing more than the end or even by product of this dance. To me, I think it is ok to dance but just don't get addicted to it. I even went to the extend to visit seedy KTV bars to understand what is the allure- and once you visited it, you will understand the difference.

To be sure, the friends was fooling around with me, they believe that the dance must end with a "happy ending" to parody massage parlours. They never realised that these women are not dancing, and even if they were dancing- they were swaying their hips and nothing else. This means that they were not authentic, they were surface acting. This means that they were outside of themselves, this means that they were really effectively mannequins or just social escorts. Look it might be a little to "high level" to those just want to "do it", but hear me out and you will realise that "high or low" there is a reason you keep coming back and never satisfied.

You see courtship is like a dance, you take one step back I take one step forward and therein lies the allure. For these women, they want you to take one step forward, their job is to stay still and make sure you come- end of story. That's why, you only want a different women all the time. Because the music is that short. The same short dance but with a different music that's all. I mean horny men have no interest for this nonsense, maybe, try to say no for one night and tell me how you feel the next day- you will feel difference.

And then I will come back to normal women, look I say this not because I think the women are interested in me. But rather you see, I don't want to dance anymore. The first thing I see about women is: "been there and done  that", there is no allure or myth at all. Let us then come back to the young nubile women which I should be attracted too, since they are expected to be desirable.

Let us just say that they are normal ladies and not working ladies, there is this thing called "moronic beauty", this means that " a beauty that is so in your face, it almost like a blank piece of paper." There isn't any attraction at all. This form of "moronic beauty" becomes incredibly common once you get abit older, this means that they are beautiful and nothing else. Either you use them or you hang them up like a wallflower. No offence, I am not trying to say that they are stupid or foolish, it is just type of feeling that you get when you get old and bored. It is really not your fault but it is just the thing you get after a while.

Let me contrast this with your first love or crush- what do you think of him or her when you first meet the person, you get nervous and you think he/she is everything right- and then once you break up, he/she is everything that he/she is not right. Then repeat it like 4-5 times of this feeling- you get the feeling that I get now.

But you see, the thing about men, or at least me, you need to have some form of allure or attraction to start anything off in the first place, and once you don't have that initial attraction, it is very difficult to sustain the "dance" so to speak.

I have to speak coldly on this, but the fact that my last dance was so intense that you cannot replace it and the thing about dances is that you want to better or higher otherwise, it is very difficult to sustain something that "doesn't seem right."

I am not trying to say that I am still in love with my last girlfriend but all I am saying is that for any attraction to be self-sustaining- it must top it. That's why I really find it difficult to stir up anything inside. That is why I realise that why I cannot seem to even try to even want to dance long enough to even try that hard.

Recently, I even meet some girls which I can safely tell you is every man's fantasy, and I didn't even budge. It is not like they are not attractive, but rather they are so attractive that I find it difficult to keep dancing without feeling tired. Let's just say that, if it was a few years back and I was given the same chance, I dived in head first, but if you are me right now- it is playing the same music but only with a different person, there isn't any over-riding attraction that makes me coming back for more. I am not saying that you should pander to all my needs, I am just saying that maybe I am tired and have seen so many things, it makes me fatigued and have no impetus to keep dancing to "Firestarter".

And this thing about "moronic beauty" keeps on playing up and you meet with young punks- and I don't blame them- and sometimes dirty old men, keep on going on and on about it, you just feel that better to let a "moron go to a moron." No offence, I don't say it like in terms of intelligence but rather in terms of viewpoint and experience. Look a "moronic beauty" is still a beauty, but sometimes, it takes a lot to satisfy a beauty even a "moronic" one which means that they know they are "in demand" but they just want to have fun and I sometimes don't want to or have the stamina to keep chasing.

Hence, as you see as I sat on the train and I look as ever growing age gap, the young girls and their "moronic beauty" and even the older folks with their "distant charm", I sometimes really just want a 7-11 cappuccino that's all. And that is not all women want. [ But desire is an intellectual exercise for me and not the satisfaction of the physical need that's all. I want it but not necessarily want to keep it.]

In final word, desires or love is also a class conflict. This means that above has nothing to do with class. To them love and desire is a matter of possessing it, and this also speaks to race too and even age. It is matter of class, racial and even generational pride.

You see the above to me has nothing to do with the class, race or age to me- that is why I think love is the truth, that is exactly why it makes it so elusive. That is exactly why, I don't feel angry or possessive with all these inter-racial or inter-class or inter-anything. It might rile some others, it will not rile me. Hence I can safely tell you that love, desire and all things is almost as intellectual to me as actually writing all the above.

I can shield you from incriminating eyes, I will pretend I don't see anything.

P/S: You know why, desire without the intellectual quality is so important, it is the difference between what makes a human and what makes an animal. A singular pursuit for it is like the monkey who will have sex with all the female just because he can, a human does it because it "desires".

You can either moralize desire or intellectualize it. Moralizing makes one good but stupid- which is not very fashionable now. Intellectualizing provides a rational basis- and tell you why you are like that, hence it makes it expensive in effort and desirable actually. This means that it reduces demand simply by making it intellectually and time consuming. Trust me, once you understand it, you will want less of it and not more of it.

If you understand it, it makes you a connoisseur, and you want less of good things and not more of bad things, it increase investment and makes it in a larger context, the "market" more efficient.

Bon Soir.