Of Apples and Bananas and all things high and low

Of course, there are many whom have asked me why do I feel so nonchalant about having fall from grace. This means that people have been ripping off me, regressing to a point where I became the butt of all jokes. From having everything- to having to live with my parents and taking money from them, you see, I have never seen any of all these as a step up or step down. How can I step down when I never intend or was not even on the step up in the first place.

When I was younger, it was easy for me, simply because I was able to cruise and more or less get everything done. I was on the second gear and I drifted more or less in the middle. I wouldn't be fantastic neither would I be bad, I will be there thereabouts.

But when I little older having worked for a few years- I repeated this story so many times-, I just sort of decided to work a little harder that's all. Suddenly, 28 years of cruising and the idea of happy-go-lucky and sort of easy going guy got smashed out of the window.

How did an average person suddenly pop out from nowhere. I just put in a little more effort that's all. I only concentrate on what I want and that's about it, and this was just one of things in my life of trying new things that I want that's all. I have no idea that it became bigger than I thought.

I never really want to be the CEO as I mentioned in my email per se, one thing led to another, and I thought I gave it a shot. But it suddenly sort of define me. I have never no idea of just two years of mad rush for work and learning will have all sort of expectations on me. I remember, having senior managers having to sit behind me on pretext of attending a course picking up everything from me like I hold the holy grail to everything. Quite honestly, I couldn't even understand the big hooha. I know, I just simply ignore them and I know there were there to do some "intelligence gathering" but I take it as they were there just to learn. I am an only a junior banker, seriously even if it is true, what can I do about it. I just take it as flattery.

But as time goes by, it became increasingly annoying as it is as if people was trying to prove to me that I was wrong in everything. It is like as if I was to say something, it must be "right." Hence since I must be "right", I must be proven "wrong" simply because no one is perfect. Hence everyone and anything under the sun throw potshots at me- from what I wear, to what I eat and to even how I speak. [It came to a point where people compare with me for not getting married and having children!!- it has come down to that level. Suddenly, I must feel insulted for not using a private part of my body. Why does anyone compare an apple with say a banana continues to puzzle me.]

I even noticed a thousand and one "mini-mes". Well- pressed shirt, French cuffs, and always a pen in the pocket. Sometimes, I walk on the street, I wonder whether these people on the street that I don't know are doing what they do because of me. But of course, well, the shirts can be bought, the pants can be bought, hell even the pen can be bought. Hence even if the copies were because of me- so what. I am me, there is a reason that they want to copy what is "me" in the first place.

At this point in time and even still now, I still wonder what is the big deal about me and what I do. Hence if you ask me whether I feel ashamed about what I have done, how can I feel ashamed when I did not try to prove to anyone in the first place.

Hence how do you insult or bring down a person who in the first place was not trying to prove anyone or everyone was better than him/her. Hence I am also very surprised that there are more people whom are more concerned that I fail that I was about doing well.

It got me thinking that I must be doing something really right to pissed these people off that they have to prove they were right. It was not ordinary people, but people from places of authority and distinction. That's why I know I was getting things on the cheap, and that is why I wanted to know more. That is exactly how I ended up at this particular position.

I was more interested in finding out what happen than to be in some "respectable" position per se. Hence in fact, this was even more important to me than some silly "CEO" position. Whatever transpire during the previous few years still continue to puzzle me, I only started with one simple ideal, which is just to see far I can go and it turn out to be a full blown global affair.

Till this day, I still don't care whether I walk on red carpet or I walk on dirt road. The only thing I really care is that do the same thing that you would if you don't know me. That is the bare minimum, anything else is the bonus.

Hence how can I feel insulted when I wasn't even trying to be "better" than you in the first place. If you read in all the previous post: "I keep mentioning about this "self-esteem" problem, the problem lies with you and not with me." If it is not me, it is and always someone else.