Take a Shot

Why I quit the middle class like I just went into the toilet and out. There are some people whom have kill me for my job and history. Banker, Product Manager and Treasury- all within 3 years. So there are some whom call me crazy that I treat my job opportunities like I just went into the toilet and out.    

You see I would be in middle class respectability had I stand where I was and just moved along with the flow. I might have got married to someone with exactly the same aspirations as me and I might be living in a condo and a car, with a few kids on tow within a few years. It means that I lived the typical Singapore dream of at least 4 of the 5Cs. But why then did I literally throw this away. Actually, I didn't want to throw it away- but I was forced to do so.

And no, I didn't do it because I couldn't handle the pressure. It was simply like the previous post, I do not have the same inclination to get where I used to be that's all. Besides, truth be told is that, as I mentioned in earlier posts before, I was not just looking to just climb the ladder, I want to gain hold of it. The only way to know what I am up to is to find out what I am up against. I realised that it was a lot larger than I expected- because it was systemic.

I used to believe that so long as you work hard or have a goal and be the best you are, you will get where you want to be. I was quite wrong. I was faced with problems so large that I knew that I could not surmount, that is why I need to step out and find out why.

I think some people call me crazy when I told my boss I wanted to be a CEO, look it was a gamble and also at the same time, I seriously want to give it a shot. If I continue where I was, I know I will never get there. Only by taking a gamble, will I ever have a whisper of a chance. That is why I did some think that was considered crazy as I literally throw what I already have away.

I was not looking to be a the CEO of a retail chain or fast food chain. I was looking to be at least a country CEO of a bank and so I had to throw everything I got but not bang my head against the wall.

And as I took time to look back retrospectively, I realised all the mistakes that I have made was making me further away from being CEO than I was if I was working there. This means that I was not nothing more than a star performer and not a CEO material. I was a terrible manager and CEO if I was to become one, if I ever did become one. It is simply because my bosses couldn't afford to lose a star performer and let them become a manager. The gap is too big a gap for them to fill and they never let me allow me not to be a star.

In fact, as I look back, my whole life was predicated on being a star performer than a manager, I was a terrible manager and in managing things- because people was getting things done for me. This means that I was good at making people look at me and really getting things done. In fact, I would make a good manager if and only if people can read my mind simply because my mind works creatively- which means that I make brilliant things but not in quantity and not at demand. This means that in order to churn things out, people have to read my mind, and this is not always the case.

Hence even if I work very hard and was very good at what I do, I was not manager material and would never become one simply because I was a star and not a manager. A star cannot be a manager because unless I act like a dictator, things will not get done. My ego and in fact, my need to shine and be better than everyone got in my way. I was driven to be better than anyone and not to run a piece of business- that require another type of skill which I realise I really sorely lack.

In fact, I need to be more boring and focus on control elements than to always having to find solutions for all types of situations- which is what a star is expected to be. Like the playmaker of a football team- the captain is of a different breed altogether.

I was the person whom you find when you have a problem and not the person when you have to push the team forward. I was only good at what I do and that's it. Surprisingly as I find out more about this, the less I want to be a bank CEO, but the more I want to work in company which have direct contact with customers and at the same time, which actually produces value for customers than just shifting money around.

I mean I could have found it out myself have I stay where I was but I never realise what I was sorely lacking and in reality, I need to find that out fast if not I would be angry and pissed off with everyone including management, my colleagues and my customers.

This means that I will never change my ways because I was so good at what I was doing and everyone was just simply tolerating my shortcomings because I provided a function that is critical for them but not where I wanted it to be.

Hence, let's just say that I threw away a shot at middle class respectability for a shot at the top. But as I delve further, I begin to realise that I have so many other strengths that might make even an CEO, or running a business less meaningful than actually doing something more than just being in control and making lots of money.

I would probably make a better CEO or manager now but a lousier and a less motivated performer and I realise that I can even make it as an academic. I might have never envision myself as one because I always thought myself as a do-er than a thinker but an academic is more of a do-er than a thinker because if you want to be a good one, it requires a lot of rigorous thinking than a CEO does because the latter have a chance to rectify the mistakes later, the former have to get it right. I always used to think the concepts are important, the exams are just simply a manner of testing them- I only take it to pass them that's all- since I was looking to apply them at work and not to be an academic. Well, let's just say generalizations was the name of the game and details is just a stopping me from enjoying life.

This change has cost me a lot. I did not work for close to two years losing almost $100,000 of income, I did not chalk up any working experience since then- it was big opportunity cost. It even costs me my friends and some of relationships because I did not want them to treat the same way, I was being treated all along.

You see the change has been so difficult as I cannot act upon my instincts which have come so naturally to me and have actually me quite successful at what I used to do. It was quite hard to restrain yourself when you see all the opportunities.

That is why, I have taken so much heckling from so many people and I did not want to be the same person again and have refused to use my charm and get away with everything. I did not want to outsmart everyone but try to understand things instead. That is why it was so difficult for me which is so used to be a star and can solve things at whim- but now I literally have consider a whole lot of other things besides just getting what I want. This means that I cannot just solve a problem- I have to consider things like how is it going to affect others. It was very much harder- and you will realise at your 20s that this will satisfy you and you actually satisfaction from it but as you grow older, you will realise that some times "better" is not necessarily "better".

Anyway, no regrets, in fact this change might cost me more than that, it might even cost me losing my place around places that I am familiar with- it might even cost me to lose my middle class respectability which was simple for me to maintain had I continue my lifestyle. I need to leave this context.

But I had to lose the middle ground to take a stab at the top, that's why I have to let go of so many things. I still don't know whether I can make it- but at least I have so many stories to tell when I am older and so even as I end up at the bottom of the heap, it still doesn't faze me. I gave it a shot and we will see. 

Bon Voyage to me.