Hope and Truth

I am begin to think this mathematical analogy is extremely useful in explaining my position. actually there is no difference in what I say, the difference is that since it is in math, it gives a veneer of objectivity that's all.

What is the objective of math- it is to find the truth correct. This means that I cannot be wrong if I speak in mathematical terms rights.

Some people believe that life is about being happy and being around people that you loved. I do not have any problems with that. The problem is that there is a false choice between being good and being happy and with people around you.

Let just we have a hypothesis that we have 24 hours and we can either choose to work and train harder or alternatively, we can choose to spend more time with people whom you love. We have then two groups of people which been asked to fill up a questionnaire to fill up the number of hours filled under these two variables. And then they asked to fill up how they rate how happy they are.

Then we form a test the hypothesis that within say a 95% confidence interval, you should be more happy if you spend more time with your loved ones than say honing a particular skill. This means the chances of hitting of a interval within an acceptable range is statistically 95% true. This means that the chances the larger the range, the less true it is. And of course, intuitively, we would know that the former will always be true. Since it is embarrassing to admit that one is good at something because he/she sacrifice social time for something that is he is trying to master- say a computer skill or art. If let's say the survey concur with this conclusion.

But on an individual level, the context itself which is when a person is always put in an environment where he/she have to choose between these two normative values- how true can your survey be. This means that a person who is always given a Hobson's choice and always being pre-judged, the conclusion and hence the hypothesis does not gather the full picture. This is what I mean by a false choice. This means that the survey is in itself flawed because the sample is always being presented false choice.

The survey will not capture this- but simply tabulate and aggregate the results and does not account for the social factors. Suddenly people start to believe the results of this survey, and suddenly viola, it survey in itself fulfils the reality.

That is why, I am never afraid to be alone and to be antagonized and to be put under a spot. This is because, the "truth" or "reality" is further from the survey suggested. I always mentioned about the pig in the abattoir. Do you know who is the pig. I see no point in validating or refuting a experiment aimed at justifying a claim which was already established beforehand. That is the third choice- walk away. Believe all you want, what you do has no business with me.

If let's say I conduct another survey in a controlled environment, this means people are put in box to live among each other without interference from say an overarching authority- do you think that the survey will be different. Think Animal Farm. It is the same thing, literature and math.

The earlier experiment does not take into consideration the variable of the threat of authority. And now do you know why, I always mentioned about the pig in the abattoir. The pig does not know other forms of happiness because it is better to eat from the pen than to antagonize the guards- but the point is that, they are slaughtering pigs just next door.

Then you tell me whether why I am can be contended- living a life close to being alone and almost like a hermit and doing, eating and almost have zero social activities. The difference is that the entire truth has been fudged. This means that either I live like a hermit or be a pig. I am sorry, I have means, I do not need to be a pig to survive. This means that in the survey, I cannot be truly be happy simply because I have always  been presented with a false choice. Why then should I participate or validate and even believe a survey which have no fidelity to the truth. In this case, if you are not even sure of the experiment, this means that I must be doing something right. This means you are not sure or not happy with your status quo.

I am closer to the truth than you will ever be. You just stay there and be happy. And hope, my dear boy. Good luck.

P/S: there is a reason I never want to get too close to anyone- you cannot handle it. It is better that it stay this way but I am a paying consumer and tax paying citizen which have rights and have fulfil my duty. There should be no special treatment- good or bad- unless you want to look bad.

I have served my national service and my reservist and I have paid my taxes when I was working and also pay GST when I buy goods- I have every right to make a feedback when it is perfectly legitimate.

I have called the police three times in the last 3 months because 1) someone was staring into house from across the road, and I called the police to shoo them away. I called the police when my power circuit box was smashed but apparently it was because of the hale storm the other day. I have also called them because the buses which operates just outside my house, press the airbrake constinously for 6 times- which is very unnatural for any proper functioning bus. This is public nuisance in a high density populated area

I have approached the old neighbour upstairs for constantly slamming his furniture even in the middle of the night- and he came back with a he/she say argument and I have spoken to the town council about the inconsiderate and crazy reactions. I have spoken to the town council about the faulty storm drain grille which makes a lot of noise when a car passed and can travel up six floors which is where I stay.

The police have came, the town council have came and even the LTA have called me. In typical Singaporean style, I am sorry you have to fulfil certain requirements before you can make a formal report and you have to note the bus and plate numbers- it was too much of a hassle- and if the thousands of people that lived around here, can't be bothered, I just close the window and switch on the air con that's all. It is not my problem.

But I have every right to make a complain- at least someone came and fixed the storm grille, the police came and shoo those jokers away and they came but say that it is happening around their block- I just have to the word for it, I have the personal number to the LTA guy.

This is my life, I intend to live in a manner which I think is the most palatable to me- I didn't break any rules by the way and fulfilled my obligations.

What you see is what you "get"

So if you have read the previous posts, you would have realise that why there is no qualms about leaving at all. It is not because there is nothing here for me, it is not because I burn all the bridges or I am too embarrassed to see them. In reality, it is the exact opposite, I do not want to meet them just so they can justify their position.

I am in reality trying to avoid them and not the other way around. Friends are friends, but I don't need to feel that just because one needs to feel needed, superior or happy, I should be use as someone to validate their position.

The funny thing is that they always seem to form the causation of their relationship between them and myself just to prove how important they are to me. I just find it extremely tiresome having to placate them. Look I respect your opinions and yes I will take them into consideration like what I did in the last two post, but it doesn't mean that you are the reason for everything. I don't want to break it to you but I just find it a chore just to keep a semblance of sociability just for you to fit the points on your linear regression. This means that I have to show that I need you to form some of relationship or correlation and extract a regression line but in actual fact, you are tiring me out.

You see I fudged the experiment just to placate you- I think I am friend enough to you. Hence I am leaving without a tinge of guilt or regret and leave without any baggage. I have been telling everyone about this idea of ecological fallacy and screaming at the top of voice about the above, but no one actually believed me. Hence I have to continue present a phenomenon to let you believe your "luck" or "self-image" in this case. I don't want to deal with a hysterical person.

You see the difference is that is exactly what I have been saying for so long but no one actually believed me until I speak in mathematical analogy- it is still an analogy isn't it.

Sometimes, I even know what is happening, I just simply avoid asking question, just to make you think that I don't know and just to let you believe that there is still a "correlation" in this case. But in reality, I don't quite care whether you call me out or not.

The best part is that I think deep down, they know I am just patronizing them and they suddenly form a negative relationship. Which means having a y value negatively correlated to variable which is himself/herself. This means that the more negative the relationship, the high the return or value.

I can safely tell you that, I have to "complement" this negative relationship, I  have to pretend to care enough for you just so that you can get complement your y value and make sense of your warped world. The strange misunderstanding in school, all the various social mishaps, I have to take a smiley face, just to make sure that at least you think you know what you are doing. In effect, I have to complement your "worldview".

Take this: I gave you the y you need, to let you think the linear regression is efficacious. The causation is you and has nothing to with relationship and equation. If I don't give it to you, you will become crazy and hound me further non-stop.

I can tell you that this is the cause of my leaving. The lack of social sensibility of understanding even basic relationship makes it tiring for me to continue a relationship which is predicated on trying to present something which complements a "narrow-minded" sense of a social being.

A few months back, I wrote about being popular. Being popular and being sociable is two different things. What makes you popular doesn't make you a social person. That is as far as I have done, hence that is why I think I don't owe anyone anything. Let's just put it this way, I am everything and anything that you think that I am. I am the bad guy, the lecherous guy, the crazy guy, the carrot guy, the rabbit guy, the good guy, the weird guy, the unfillial guy, the lazy guy, the spendthrift guy, the cheapskate guy- I am everything, just to prove that you are right, and so that you won't bother me and get under my skin.

But deep down inside, it is gnawing you inside. So you see, you know why I don't really give a damn- the joke is played doubly played back onto you. You believe the relationship without knowing the cause. You believe you are the happy- and my favourite analogy, the pig in abattoir!!

The money I owe is already paid back doubly and triple in kind.

Remember that I told you, hell is other people, I have already mentioned it many times.

Fix yourself first, before you think you can fix others.

Causation and Relationship

What is luck? You see a statistical treatment is needed beyond just simply one which questions the underlying semantics of luck.

Let us assume that we throw a dice a hundred times and then we form a linear regression to formulate the value of the throw. Hence for some apparent reason, the dispersion is so low, which means the dots cluster around the regression- leaving small residual values between the actual value and fitted value, this then means that the linear regression is efficacious or in other words, variance from the line - or the "conclusion" is true and fair. That is the theory of knowledge.

We can throw a million times, a billion times, a hundred billion times, we would still get a different linear regression line, and then we can do a more sophisticated analysis by taking a 100 sample of say 100 throws each and test for the randomness of the test. This means we can test for bias in the throw, we would still get some form of bias regardless what and then we have to account for bias as an coefficient in the linear regression. This means that we are assuming our hands or our mechanical hand that throws the dice has a bias- hence the bias is not in the "luck" but the "hand" or the "machine" that throws it- hence luck is not an "exclusive quality" of a particular person.

Therefore, it would be ridiculous to assume that some people have better luck, worse luck simply because for some apparent reason, the gods favour them. I am looking from a statistical standpoint which means that we "observe" and aggregate observations from our "world" and form an analysis to form a conclusion. Even if you are superstitious person, I am sorry the above has nothing for you- because we cannot test what we cannot see. If you believe as such, you are on your own on this one.

I always say that about ecological fallacy- this means that we mix up the cause and effect. The above is a classic example. You see assuming that we extract a regression line from the above "samples" and we form a line on the graph to predict the values of the throw. As explicate above, this is at best a "relationship" and not a causation- the causation is in the hand or mechanical hand that throws the dice. That is why many people have confuse "correlation" or relationship with causation. This means that line is NOT the cause of the outcome but something else. Therefore, they attempt to fit the "line" to the relationship- which I almost find it laughable, which means that this is an absolute waste of resources.

This means that one throws the dice to fit the line- then you are the problem isn't it. Since you are the bias and it has nothing to do with the world. Assuming that we remove the bias- which is you- and say place a mechanical hand which in theory- which is free of bias- the test of randomness is missed that the hand that throws the dice is the bias, unless we can identify the variable. But we only see the regression line and the methods by which is obtained is missing. And sudden we account it under "e" or error.

I have constantly mentioned about ecological fallacy and the temporal order of cause and effect, and the difference between causation and relationship. It is not just mere intellectual gymnastics but it is grounded in mathematical truth. I only have at best a rudimentary understanding of statistics, and I can tell you for sure that all mathematicians will tell you the same thing. When I say it in words, it is in a language you understand, but when the mathematicians in formulas and equation- it is just plain Greek to you. Ecological fallacy is the same as a very  small "Rsquare"- but you wouldn't know what that means anyway right.

Bringing it back to the previous post where I mentioned not caring about leaving- in similar terms is the same thing. The bias is not me, but the person that throws the hand, no matter how many of times I throw, I will get the same result. The problem is not the world, the problem lies in the person that throws the hand. Hence that is why, I am never worried about leaving this place because the problem is not with me. The problem is in the hand.

Therefore I have never believe in many things that I see, simply because judging from the body language, everyone knows that the problem is not with me reacting in a manner which is not palatable but in a manner which is skewed in a manner which does not attempt to find the "truth" per se, but in presenting a reality by which makes it "believable" to everyone.

This "sense of reality" or verisimilitude is exactly what I say in math above or in phenomenon, I could draw a linear regression and it will concur with my observations, but it is not "truth". The "truth" is fudged. Hence the truth is not the "observed" Phenomenon is not the "truth". There is something else.

I know for sure because that is exactly what I have been trying to do for the last two years. No one will allow me to perform a test of randomness on my observations- guess who have to do it- who else but yourself.

Math and epistemology is not the same. Math is a tool for epistemology and not the other way around. I simply say it in a manner which appears to be "objective", which is numbers- but I always say, "1" or "2", and it is really without "bias" between the two since one is one and two is really two; but how do you get these aggregate values in the first place. Take for example say the equation is say y= 2.1+ 0.3x. How in the how world did get these numbers and observations in the first place, and made you believe that "luck" actually exist. Oops.

Hence I never do get angry with anyone attempting fudge the reality in order to fit the outcome. You see, the joke is on you and not on me. Therefore I leave without regrets. The problem is "you" and not "me".

I am not nice, I am just don't want to bother about a person who believe that y=2.1+0.3 is true that's all. Simply because you believe math is the truth. No one say that math cannot be religion, it is a language with it's methods which I had mentioned earlier. The difference is that when I say: this will cause this, they say it as y=2.1+0.3x. But why, and how- ah, there is something I would like to know myself.

Never comment about the emperor's [ which means anyone who thinks he/she is better than you] new clothes, even if he is laughing at you. You will be screwed and when you believe it, you already screwed.

Goodbye.








 

Bigger, Better, Faster and Happier

I have mentioned in the previous post about leaving and that it makes more sense to leave than to stay in a place which have disappointed me. You see, it makes me sound like a sour puss and think that just because I cannot succeed here, I can make it somewhere else.

When it almost seems like I deserve everything that I did, me leaving and going somewhere else to make my life.

I have always maintained that money was never important to me, it was merely a means to an end. This simply means that making money was simply enjoyable because it was fun to accumulate them that's all. Similarly I was leaving because everyone in this place is rejecting me- starting a family and having kids and think that I have destroyed my life for acts that one cannot even fathom.

Last year, I met up with some friends from university which started a family and then knew that I was not working, the behaviour was in itself quite deplorable. You see he was shouting to everyone he was working in Oman and flying to be a successful engineer and have a beautiful wife, a kid and another on tow. My question is that: Why do you need to prove to me that you are happy. Why I said that was because, he made me paid me paid the bill. Just to prove that he has everything, and I have nothing.

You see, you will read in the previous post about causation and relationship. All these above trapping could make you happy but it is not necessarily a cause for happiness. The fact that he is unhappy about a swinging bachelor without a job and looking happy, simply suggests that he is really unhappy about something, and that has nothing to do with me.

This means that he is needs to show off that he is happy just to tell himself that everything he does is worth it and not that a person whom everyone expect to look down on has the better deal. I never said that you are not happy, I am just simply not the same as you as that's all. Hence he is obviously quite unhappy with the current state of affairs, and having to justify that a decision he makes a few years ago was right, which is get married, have kids and have a solid middle class life.

I never said I was happier than you, I just simply think that I am happy for you and I was just waiting out that's all or did something different that's all. Once again, the "causation", in this case, when you throw the dice is not me, it is you. This means I cannot make you happy. Only you can make you happy.

My relationship in that my suffering will make you happy is correlated only because you are unhappy. Not because I am better than off you- this means the cause of unhappiness is something inside you, and has nothing to with me. This means that making me unhappy will not you happy because I am not "cause". You are regretting the decision that's all. The cause is your regret and that is personal. I added him on Facebook, he did not accept it.

I never get angry with people with the above symptoms- you see they are simply swimming in and around the in circle, chasing their own tail. I almost always sympathize with them. They never get to root of the problem- and have resigned to the fate of finding fault with other's to justify their own position.

I have nothing against kids nor against marriage, I just don't need to get married to prove to someone that I should be like them that's all. If I do that, they become the cause of my marriage or dalliances., which should not be the reason that's all.

If I get married or find a girlfriend or even find some random woman to get together just to prove that I am better and can get what they want, it would simply be putting the causation onto them. That would make me quite desperate isn't it. Maybe they know something that I don't but if I knew, I would do it right.

What is the difference between them and myself. I might consider it more intensely since they put the question but I would not do it  because some joker is regretting their decision or have to display a superiority complex.

Hence there isn't a need to prove to me to be happy or superior. you just need to know it yourself. But all I know is that many people is very unhappy- judging from their responses- and that is question for another day. If you feel superior because you have kids and a wife and some job that requires to fly around- 1) I pity your wife and kids 2) you are probably a backstabber at office, and you really love your job more than your family, which is why you need to highlight your employment status. I thought your family is your most important thing. Oops.

You see why I don't want to get a job so fast just to prove to someone that I am perfectly employable. You see that these people have to get a job to keep a family- and that is almost the reason for their superiority and favoured status among society. It has almost nothing to do with your job effectiveness at all- this is something that I am more than happy to let go since you have made the decision to tie yourself to someone's life. I like to think that the superiority complex is nothing more than compensating yourself to willingly tie yourself to another person's life.

I just like to find out whether I am truly "superior" that's all. None of those "daddy, daddy" stuff. It is an ego trip for me that's all, well for you, it is matter of life and death- you win. I lose, gladly.

You see why I am leaving, you are unhappy or upset about something and that tells me that it is time for me to go. That is my biggest takeaway. There is something in the air that is not right because it is happening too often to be normal. But it is definitely not me. Enjoy.

Save your Time

Do you know how to be social? This means that one is reciprocate in kind in a manner which allows for an on going relationship to continue in spite of conflicts of interest rather than despite of it. Hence you see, beyond the people close to me, I have made a couple of risky decisions by which expose myself unnecessarily to a lot of criticisms. This means that when I post some incredulous post on Facebook that I know for sure, I will not get any "Likes" or any nice comments- this is simply because I are ready to lose you as a friend. And you are not important to me- hence your opinion of me does not matter to me.

That is the reason that I know for sure I will not get wedding invitation, any birthday invites or any form of well wishes simply because I know that I am acting out of character. In fact, since I started on some quite "ridiculous" comments, I expect or at least am prepared for any ill will to be thrown at me. This includes people even close to me. It is not that I take their feelings or opinions lightly, but things has come to a head that it really doesn't matter what I do, hence that is why I really have no regrets about leaving or going anywhere- in fact, I am already psychologically preparing myself for the past two years. Therefore no matter what type of emotional blackmail or weird and extreme antics will not leave me pining for anyone simply because when I make a certain decision, I already expect what to expect and the worst case scenario.

Hence you can see that I do not feel weird eating alone, rationalizing my decision on my own, doing my group projects on my own, watching movies on my own, reading in bookstores on my own and even listing on comments on my own- because at the back of my mind, when I did what I did, I already expect the worst case scenario.

And if you see me on the street and I do not say hello to you- do not be mistaken that I am embarrassed to see you, if I was, I would not have done what I have done- it is simply because I expect a similar "awkward" reaction from you and I sometimes have no inclination to deal with you.
I will pretend that I do not see you.

You see when I randomly shouted across the room that I didn't want to work because my manager was being unreasonable, I already expect myself to leave in a worst case scenario- there isn't even a need for me to try to redeem what is really an anti-work attitude by which can be easily interpreted wrongly; and it was. If I was afraid about being misinterpreted, I wouldn't have done what I have done and if I was afraid to be black-listed and shouted down by all my previous employers, I wouldn't have done what I have done. There isn't even a need to feel sympathy for me, I deserve it and I already expected it. This is not bravura, I already seen the end of road of the particular route and I see no point in persisting it that's all.

I wasn't even burning a bridge, let's just put it this way. I was finding an excuse to walk away and see what brinkmanship can bring that's all. All these walk-away thing was never about cowardice or fear, it is just that when you do what I did- which was in effect a strike- you should expect a lot of noise by which anyone will find you unreliable. But whether the strike is justifiable is besides the point, I will rest my case on this one.

Hence I think I have never written anything so far to explicate my position, I am not strong and neither am I a clairvoyant or neither am trying to  be a hero, I have already know what to expect when you do certain things. Hence in the future, when you see me on the street, do not sympathize with me, I do not deserve it because what I see, cannot be explained in a sentence. At the same time, do not need to think that I like "ku rou ji" or means that I will understand you simply because you are shown to be suffering- it is not my style and I don't really like to patronize people, hence please spare everyone the agony.

Similarly, there isn't a need to feel guilty about what you do, when I do what I do, I already sort of expect what you will do hence I already been sort of preparing for it.

I don't like to send people on guilt trips but let's just say that you are on your own-that's all.

Self Actualization

Civilization have moved forward insofar that we have moved beyond rudimentary drawings to sophisticated communication systems with nuances and multi-layered meanings. It is to say that we have gone beyond showing factually an event- like a hunt- to one where we are able to make an argument which goes beyond just the phenomenon itself.

Hence there is this idea of high and low culture. High culture is when a long period of practiced learning is required to absorb the various details of a particular discipline which is highly valued by a society due to it's attention towards a higher or "better" ideal of man. This means that a man becomes "better" because he/she has acquired a quality which qualifies him/her beyond a basic instincts which defines one has simply for survival. This is not to say that this person is not a "person" insofar that he is more "sophisticated" in his understandings and which food, water and other basic necessities are not necessary to the person. Everyone knows about the Maslow's hierarchy of needs- that is a very basic idea, the highest level of "self-actualization" is so abstract that it can mean something and nothing at all.

You see no one and I mean no one likes to be debased. This means that a debasement is only because one sees "self-actualization" as a dream and unattainable- which makes the direction towards hedonism and debauchery and antithesis to the idea of "self-actualization". It is simply rejecting the idea of a "better" ideal for the "worse" due to realities of life. It's rejection is in itself is an acknowledgement and acceptance of a better ideal by which the spirit or the flesh is not willing. Hence since we cannot fulfil our dream, we simply lived drunk. This means that better to experience infantile desires than to suffer the agony of disappointing the super ego. The ego simply justify this by rationalizing that the realities is improbable and hence better to consume now than to gratify later.

The ideal is quite a straight forward idea, which means that everyone wants to be a "better" or "positive" man in a manner he/she deemed is meaningful to him/her. The descend to the idea of the infantile desire is s not that he/she has no ambition- it is simply that he/she does not feel good enough for it and hence the ideal is like the "devil" or shadow instead, which continually haunts the  backwaters of his/her consciousness, telling him/her is not good enough.

Hence since the "devil" is a strict and no nonsense disciplinarian with no regard for human emotions or suffering, enjoyment and gratification than becomes the angel- which provides the honey by which the super ego can never satisfy. And therefore, "sins" or "hedonistic" behaviour are rationalized simply as gratifying or scratching that itch that never goes away. But it will never go away simply because we all have a basic level beyond survival- and the point is to attain an ideal and not to turn the ideal into a "devil".

Hence you see as I walk through suburban malls, trains and buses, you will notice the downcast look on everyone by which their only redemption in life appears to be the crutch that they rely on when the super-ego haunts them. The lower the debasement, the larger shadow of the looming super ego. That is when one descends into "low" culture thinking that high culture is beyond them.

I was watching a documentary about this convict turned gardener. He described his landscaping job as an art by which he creates colours and meaning into life. If a convict which enter the jails 4-5 times can speak like that, what is art to the common person. This is "high" culture to him, because it took him skill and dedication to sculpture a garden to it's own image and not to the destroy it like what he used to do.

There is no such thing as "high" and "low" culture. This dichotomy only exists in the head of the large super-ego looming over the consciousness of the person. He/she must have felt that let down a particular ideal and felt never good enough to ascend to a level of "high" culture or "self-actualization". That is to find meaning in your life.

Art is for everyone, if it is for select group of people, it will not be called art. What the guy above did was art. He was recreating things in it's own image and not to reject the ideal and accept that life is only as good as the next smoke, drink or whatever poison that floats your boat.

Categories and Meaning

I find that certain categories appear to be so false that I wonder how it could have any form of salience in the first place. This means that the manner by which things are generalized and particularized- which I mentioned a few days have absolutely no form of meaning to anyone should and can get hold of anyone. This means that anyone whom attempt to attach labels without knowing the meaning of categories is simply engaging with what I can be "emptied categories"- like cups with nothing inside.

The most obvious example would ideology and symbols. Red often signifies communism and revolution and blue represents capitalism, the market-driven economies and conservatism. The difference between is such that is not as simple as wearing something without knowing the meaning behind it.

I noticed that a lot of women- especially those trying to climb the corporate ladder- like to wear black. They associate black with aggression, authority and assertiveness. But what they don't understand that black is the continuum between white and black- which is incidentally on the other end of the spectrum. This means that they are trying to be "evil"- which sane, corporate person would want to associate himself/herself with something so malevolent. Unless, you are in the line professional services like lawyer or even accountants or something dealing forensic or pathological issues- black is not very useful when you are low level manager or middle level executive.

Similarly, I also begin to see that people like to wear green too, if they are unsure of things. Green is associated with the environment, growth and I think bravura. All of these are trying to say that you don't know your things hence please for crying out loud, give me a chance- isn't that a dead giveaway. Besides, environmental issues cannot be separated from your daily lives- and hence if you tell everyone that your wear green because you are environment-friendly- this must means that you are karung guni man or that you work in a farm. Incidentally that don't happen very often in Singapore.

Okay, let us then investigate more common colours like blue, white and grey. You see, the point of the above is tell everyone that 1) you are profit-driven 2) you are pure 3) you are experienced. And your idea of wearing all these is to deliver your ideology, then isn't wearing all these shooting yourself in the foot- if you meet say someone in white for example, since you are should not "profit" from kindness.

I am not saying that colour do not affect psychology, all I am saying is that if you wish to deliver a message by your symbolization, you must at least know what you are talking about right.

Conservatism is associated with modern capitalism since it is to perpetuate the existing order, and hence the idea of say wearing red and passion and delivering profit and success from there- really doesn't seem to gel at all. Unless you believe that money is not important and social equity is more important than everything else. I am not saying that it is wrong- but if want to effect social change, I don't see how fame has got to do with anything. I mean it sounds so altruistic, I am sure there are better avenues right.

This is very interesting. Say, a person working as a cleaner earning $1,000 wears blue and is trying to make ends, you are trying to say that he/she is a lousy capitalist or are you trying to tell him break from "alienation" and removed it's addiction to the "opium of masses"- often religion and community values. I was walking on the train and I noticed people in nice suits, shirts and pants, in full black ensemble, I was wondering whether he worked as a bouncer or he worked as "loan shark runner" or some legal lender. This means that either he is in the repo business or working some illegal environment- how the hell does any respectable capitalist society tells everyone that he is doing something illegal, and making a lot money from it- that is the recipe for disaster right.

The other thing about colours is politics. Opposition and conservatism. This to me I almost find it the most laughable. Who in the right mind would admit that it is the opposition- this means that it has to oppose for the sake of opposing just for the sake of opposition. This applies also to prevailing opinion on any issue non-political in nature like in business or in corporate environment or social ones.

If I oppose because I have to oppose, wouldn't that be good as flipping a coin. This means that all opinion always appeal to a higher ideal otherwise it is not call ideological battle. This is normative- means that there is no right nor wrong, hence there is no opposition or conservatism. It is simply just appealing to different ideals. If you believe in free market capitalism, this means that you want deregulation and believe in efficient market and not because you don't like communism. And f you do as such, this simply emptying your cup and filling whatever crap that you like that's all. And if you believe in social equity and equality, you then think that is an universal ideal for everyone to aspire to be live life to the fullest and not because you think that the market system should collapse.

Soviet Union and US fight during the Cold War not because they fight for ideology- it is more complicated than that- they simply use the ideology to galvanize people that's all. And if you believe in the ideology and really just a common man- I would suggest to take a stand and believe in it and not trying to find fault in the other to justify your own position. States and politicians do that simply because it is a myth that we believed in and which we make sense of the world. On the micro level, I suggest to read up more before one wishes to engage in any intellectual argument.

These few months have opened up my eyes to the ignorance of so many people that I don't know whether to cry or to laugh. The smugness that they display which they believe that they have won ideologically is like flipping coin 10 times and hitting 10 times and believing that they have won, and on the 11th time, when it didn't go their way, the whole world starts collapsing around and they start to blame everyone around them. Each flip is independent of each other, similarly ideology remain ideology simply because no one knows what is right.

There are millions of books justifying each and every position- my suggestion is that if you are really interested in finding out more ideology and intricacies of each culture and political system, it would be to read more, be active about it and engage in some form of discourse. Otherwise, to people who knows, you are like a scarecrow. You are there just scare the birds away. No one really cares what you think.

On the "edge"

When I was much younger, I used to have a "romantic" and over-the-top idea of what love should be like. I used to think that not necessarily ditzy, involving two ill-matched person that sort of start off some unexpected sparks or involving a lot of misadventures. I used to think that it must involved some form of charm or at least some form of attraction- not necessarily physically- but at least on some personality or personal level. I realised that I was wrong even on the second part.

Charm almost always involved some form of blip from normalcy or routine- and some form of ritualistic high from monotonous humdrum of daily life. The thing was that I was pretty good at this- everyone comes to me for this form of ritualistic high -called charm- which I provide to them in abundance.

But as I grew a little older, I realised that this was the easy part. This means that is easy to charm a person but it is very difficult to keep charm out of it once you start to use it. This means that everyone looks at you and expect you to continue give them surprises every time they see you and keep them guessing- they always want to be charmed but they never realise that I am charming only because they own life is monotonous. I would not be needed if they can find this type of high somewhere else. I provided this high for free and they keep coming back or expecting some form of high.

But then I realised that it is way harder to keep a person coming back without expecting some form of "abnormalcy" or "high" from their daily life. And this type of love is a lot harder and the benefits is not tangible at all.

From young, I have always thought that in order to be noticed, you have to be charming or at least pleasant. This means that people have to remember you for you and not for what you do. I didn't even realise that I was so good at putting my name out that I was not really part of their "normal" life per se.

This means that, and I know for fact that, everyone whom have some from of liaisons with me never forgets me- not because I was making sure they never forget me- but because I was so damn good at providing the "abnormalcy" or blip in their life. Hence I believe that the gap is so yawning that it is natural that they find it difficult to replace a blip- and very often they find someone resembling my mannerisms or behaviour to replace this gap. They thought the blip is normal or should be part of their daily routine but I come to realise that if normal life is plateau, I am the blip- like the heartbeat on the heart rate monitor. Hence they forever are searching for that blip- but for a blip to be a blip, it must be a surprise and not one that resembles another.

At first, I feel flattered and sort of quite surprised that it was so important- but I am not Mother Theresa and neither did I find the cancer cure, I shouldn't have this type of attention, hell I am not even trying to be famous singer.

But I began to realise that recently, I am a blip in life of everyone. This means that they will come to you or remember you only when they know you are missing and not when they need something to rely on or have something on their mind. They will come to you only when they hate their routine.

I used to write that love is nothing more than an onion where each layer peeled revealed a different layer of meaning- and nothing more than euphoria. Yes, the euphoria.

But as I watched the mass media and listen to the radio and read the papers, I come to realise that euphoria and the blip is not love- it is really just pizzazz disguising as brinkmanship emotions.

I have gotten it all so wrong that I was so damn good at the above that I dance around the lie so well that I didn't realise that I was trying way too hard.

I then realise that even if it is cliché, love really needs no form of payback. You just do and never expect anything back- that is really way way harder.

The general and the dot

You know on the trains I get to see things that I don't normally see- especially when you are close proximity to people with no way of appearing busy without appearing that you are really acting busy. It is very interesting to note how people make decisions simply just based on first appearance.

Take for example, a person wearing a green track shirt must be a sporty person and trying to look young. A lady in a red dress is in a an amorous mood. A guy in black t-shirt must be a crook or a bad boy. One never realise that this is nothing more generalization over particularization. It is true that colours sometimes signify the mood or psychology of a person but not to the extend that he/she is to be aggregated into the colour of his skin or the clothes that he/she wear.

This is simply throwing everything- warts and all- into one single basket. we make sense from the world by what this "baskets" or "categories" signify but it doesn't mean that the categories is not that is meaningful to me.

I could be wearing black t-shirt simply because I think it easy to match. I could be wearing a green track shirt simply because it was comfortable. Or I could be wearing red because I am trying get over someone. I never understand how people on trains, buses and in public spaces can actually decide that just because they understand the basket in this manner, everyone understands it in the same way.

Take tattoos for example, a few decades back, it is only done by people whom are artsy or at the edge of trends or really belong to some yakuza gang that get tattoos and today, I see stars on legs and barbed wire on triceps. It has nothing to do with the above. I have even seen perfectly executive looking people wear their small tattoos quite proudly.

And so I still don't quite understand how people can make generalization on people just by the first glances. If something is particular to me, which means that idiosyncratic to me, than maybe one can make judgements on someone. But how does anyone make any statements simply by observing and looking without once even asking or finding out more.

This has nothing to do with cultural sensitivities or mores, these people did not wear a bikini in the train or their underwear outside in. They are doing things to themselves which have absolutely nothing to do with and have no effect on the person- why then does anyone have the right to make generalization based on their particularistic judgments.

People who know me, know me- which means that they might know particularistic characteristics about me that is beyond generalization. But how does perfect strangers have and should have any effect on the actions of others just simply because they are quite unable to make sense of something that they don't know to understand in the first place.

T-shirts are T-shirts and regardless of the prints on them. If you are trying to make a statement with your fashion sense and trying to tell the world, your mood of the day- it does not mean that it should have salience or resonance with the audience. Do not generalized your statements and expect everyone to react in the same way. This means that an actor does not need to act, it just need to change a different t-shirt every time to express his emotions. When it is a happy scene, he don't need to be happy, he/she just need to wear smiley t-shirt.

It might seem rather ludicrous, but actually everyone expect others to react in the way which he/she wants to react simply because a shock factor is expected from a supposed "loud" t-shirt.

If everyone can make a statement simply by wearing a cheap t-shirt with prints, the fashion and creative industry will collapse the very next day.

Likewise, the actor and speaker whom only wear a shirt to express to everyone it's intentions or act in a contrived manner by which to expect a similar response, it is trying to generalized that everyone should and must act in this way simply because I am telling that I am doing this to get your attention.

I noticed that when a guy noticed this attractive girl on the phone, they have a tendency to pull out their phone and start tapping their phone. I am not sure what they are tapping at but it appears that he/she is too embarrassed to find out the intentions hence have to communicate in a manner which vaguely resembles an expression of interest. My question is then, why can't I be tapping my phone "functionally" which means that I am really checking my email or checking something on my phone "particular" to me.

We lived in an urbanized environment- this means that we meet more strangers than we do familiar people and if anyone whom vaguely wishes to know me better by tapping the phone- wouldn't this urbanite be too busy trying to communicate to everyone in the train/bus without actually talking to someone.

Even as I run, at the stadium- this becomes an arena where I have to read the signs of everyone. If a stadium is not meant to be run and exercise- "functionally"- where can I or anyone for that matter exercise without trying to tell everyone that I am running by "telling" you something and not because I care for my health and hence I like to run.

Personally, I have no issues with people communicating with each other via this manner by it doesn't mean that I have to reciprocate in a manner to a total stranger isn't it!!

You see if one is not good at talking which means that is not capable of expressing verbally, it doesn't mean that everyone communicates in the same way as you right. I am quite a simple man- when I want or need something, I tend to ask for what I want in a language quite unambiguously articulating the needs in my speech. This tends to be the clearest way to express your intentions.

This also applies to things that normally embarrass everyone- like expressing some form of infatuation or asking for directions or clarifying things. Of course I won't go up abruptly to a person and say "can I be your friend, and can you give me your number please."

But if you are not capable of expressing your intention and feel extremely suppressed as a result, the point is that it is actually your problem not that of those around you.

That is why I wrote the thing above: you might generalized that everyone understands you but you forgot that there are certain things particular to others that they don't understand. Similarly, you might feel that you have expressed yourself quite clearly but in reality, what you are saying is simply just particular to you and nothing else.

This might be a way one thinks but I suspect that it is the resulting effect of a poor self esteem and poor communication skills. This two things can be improved but you don't expect some stranger to ply to your psyche and maybe try to understand your friends before you try to do that on stranger in public spaces.

When in doubt ask, when you don't, don't dive so deep that no one gets you.

Biology and Family

Is there a biological need to start a family? I will not call it a biological or evolutionary need but rather a need that is so entwined with society that it becomes more cultural than it is a survival necessity.

The biological or evolutionary argument is rather straightforward, due to evolutional tendencies, animals, mammals- and human- procreate in order to pass on their genes and to form the next generation which is expected to better rather than worse than the previous generation. This means that evolutionary inclinations in all of us seek out the best mate in order to pass on our biological and genetic qualities to form a more "evolved" or "superior" species.

Hence, studies have shown that, young virile and nubile women are most attractive to men because they bear the highest chance of reproducing healthy children- hence they have even go on to define that curvy women of certain proportions appeals to certain segment of men. Women on their hand, due to biological needs to provide a shelter to children as opposed to producing "superior" children tends to find men with the ability to provide this or even give the appearance of stability. Hence with the two combine, we would expect to form families whom are expected to give the kid the best shot at succeeding in life. That is evolutionary theory or biological- you can call it- ascription theory to the need for men and women to conform to the above standards.

Hence conversely, healthy men and women of the above characteristics are then "expected" or even supposed to be "biologically inclined" to be attracted to each other and hence to form a family unit which in a larger picture ensure the survival of the species- in this case, homo sapiens- which once again assumes that all of us act according to this primordial instinct to procreate to advance mankind.

Even if such a phenomenon do exist, I do not think that anyone in their right mind who think I should get married or have children because I would be doing mankind a whole lot good- I think that is just absolute bullocks. Since we do not act like "homo sapiens", why then does anyone assume that having a family with a partner is a must for all healthy adults.

Since we do not identify ourselves as "homo sapiens" we then see ourselves beyond the actors fulfilling the functions of a biological and evolutionary mechanisms, how then can one say that a perfectly healthy human is liable to start a family.

If lets say that I am an amoral person- this means that I act in an utilitarian manner- but not in immoral way, this means that starting family must then fulfil a need by which I deemed which would give me the most satisfaction as opposed to fulfilling an instinctive biological need.

And hence then, how does justify one starting a family at 18 or starting a family with a stranger goes into even satisfying or even making one happy in a familial relationship. Since there is no rational explanation for such a "supposed" biological behaviour, there must be a larger explanation for all these. This means that we do not act to satisfy ourselves, we then must be acting beyond our conscious selves and dictated by something bigger and our social selves.

It is really strange sometimes to see people insisting to push a square peg into round hole. This means that at the back of their mind, they know they are doing something that they cannot justify but yet they insist on doing it- and mobilizing all forms of rationalization to justify their behaviour. This means that their social self are not convinced by their rational self. They want it but they know they should not have it.

It is in their "belief" that engaging in a behaviour they deemed to make them happy will make them happy simply because it fulfils a vaguely biological rationale. The "primordial" inclination I described above can be easily as used to justify behaviour which they themselves are not convinced of the success.

The argument is such that everyone wants to start a family, hence I should start a family therefore that should make me happy. "Happy" in this sense is defined simply as a biological need to start a family in order to pass down a legacy. In reality, you do not need to start a family to pass down a legacy. In fact, you can start right now. Confucius, Socrates, and even perfectly non-familial and non famous persons have passed down their money to start foundations to start a legacy hence this idea of passing down a biological or even cultural legacy does not even makes any sense.

Why then does anyone start a family- well, I believe it is because they are scared. They are scared to be alone, they are scared to be labelled as spinsters and "left on the shelf" and "unwanted". This means that they only wish to avoid being labelled as something of being uncared for by society. But the society does not care whether you start a family. The society will function even with or without you having a family hence your this idea of being labelled as "unwanted" by society is really over done.

I do not think anyone would be too upset if one does not have babies- the only person or organization that worries is the state- simply because they are worried no one would take care of the old and they will have to do this job.

Hence when on Chinese New Year or friend's weddings and you see one by one all your peers getting married and you suddenly suffer a panic attack- you just need to ask yourself this very simple question: are you a homo sapien- or at least be wish to labelled as one? This is a rhetorical question.

Culture and Truth

Nobody does anything he/she knows is wrong without having a mitigating factor. This means that no one actually does anything wrong and knowing that it is wrong without rationalizing that it is perfectly fine.

This means that when we attempt to label someone and engage in a categorical enumeration, we do it because we do not know how to make sense of it and try to stereotype it without really knowing what the true meaning of a category is.

This means that when we categorize something as good, bad, dark, sunny, positive and negative- we assumed the universality of the category and hence essentialized the quality. This means that when we label someone or something as such, we assumed that in all contexts, he or she must behave this way regardless of the environment. Take for example, a kid whom was younger had an attention deficit issue and as he grows up, he is stuck with a label called attention deficit disorder, assuming that there is a clinical definition for it. This means that he must proved otherwise this label which attaches a certain quality to this particular label. In everyday context, we would mention "he is the kid with ADD for example." Suddenly everyone uses a form of selective memory to judge that he/she has ADD. Let's take for example, a psychiatrist has a checklist of characteristics which defines a person with ADD, and maybe he had too much caffeine that day and viola, he is the kid with ADD. From then on, he has to prove that he does NOT have ADD, rather than demonstrate the symptoms of ADD.

Everyone assumes "without the burden of proof" or prima facie that since he is certified by psychiatrist, he/she then must have ADD. This means that just because an expert witness says he is guilty, he then must be guilty. This means that the label is like an "A" on the adulterer in "The Scarlett Letter." Where since he/she is labelled as "the kid with ADD", he/she must proved that he/she is "chaste" again or in this case, does not demonstrate the tendency that ticks all the checkboxes of a person with "ADD".

All professions and disciplines probably must have gone through a certain amount of empirical studies and peer review before certain "theories" are accepted. I am not disputing this particular fact, but if the search for truth or Science goes through so much contention, it surprises me that everyone lived everyday in which they take cultural judgements and situational perspectives as innate truth.

Everyone have their point of view and have the liberty to express their opinion. But cultural judgements and decisions that you make everyday are part of social makeup and have nothing to do with the truth.

I quote the above example because to show the ecological fallacy of this thinking. There is no cause and effect in cultural judgements on the truth other than what you deemed as social reality. This means that even suddenly gravity does not exist and we all start floating around- assuming that it is the truth-, but you insist that people must have done wrong and hence the world has lost it's anger, and "something" is punishing you, this is a cultural judgement. It still didn't answer the question whether why we are floating around.

And then from this particular cultural judgement, you start to think that judgement day is coming, and you are waiting to meet the maker, and then you start to see the "maker" everywhere, you then start to find the "maker" without finding out whether the magnetic field in the earth's core is having some problems. This is a prima facie judgement- you judge without needing to find a burden of proof.
I couched it in religious undertones because it is the most clearest but it can happen in all context.

Take for example statements like "he is not smiling because he is very lonely and is sad" or " he is alone and hence must be a foreigner." "he bring very little money with him and so he must be poor." " he did not notice the pretty girl so he must be gay."

If I couched it in these statements, it sounds absurd. But in reality, that is what we do everyday. We see a phenomenon, and then we see the reality. I am not asking you to do a test on everything that you see but can you see the amount of misunderstanding just based on these observed "phenomenon".

After taking the train and bus, the last few months I cannot help it but notice the amount of "yes/no" cultural judgements based on first glance- and when the evidence is interrogated, like in prima facie cases- everyone shys away or get nervous.

In a very congested space, I normally mind my own business but I think that if anyone has a problem with trying to come into terms with things you do not understand, there is always private transport or taxi, in this way, your cultural sensitivities will not be offended. Hence that is why do not impose your "truth" in a tight space, no one really welcome your personal opinion.

Role reversals

You know I sort of just mind business most of time but maybe sometimes people just enjoy seeing others better off than themselves. Hence there is then a tendency to try to destroy everything that they see just to show that they are better than you.

I mean I am quite tired of calling people childish, juvenile and immature-they probably know it better than I do. The truth is that I never quite bother what they call me or I take any of it to heart. All those sniggering and giggling to me just goes one ear in and the other out. Ironically which is what they are so good at- for good advice that is.

In the second place, their aggressive attitude also drove a lot of well meaning people away by the their incessant jibes whom does not have the same thick skin as me. But the fact is that for every jibe delivered- and I am not speaking from a morality tone- is one minute wasting my time listening to them, practical terms that is.

I would be lying if I told you that I do not get angry at them for their insensitive remarks. But the point is that if I had a chance, I would scold every single one of them making such stupid remarks and for driving nice people away. But the point is that the moment I want to open my mouth, they disappear. I always hear the whispers, them walking by, trying to disrupt a proper conversation but I never really actually see them. Sometimes, I do get angry and want to get them face to face but I thought of finding them but I cannot find them among the myriad of faces and so I let it slide. It was not worth the time.

Just now in the train, this bunch of kids- and I am not going to say like a paternalistic, talking down tone, is that, I have done a lot of things that you have done and I have made fun and did what you did to people who most people do not like and I don't even know why I do that. Hence I do not blame you- but let me tell you that not everyone is like me, where they don't give a damn about what people think hence for crying out loud, leave these nice people alone.

I have gang up against a bunch of kids just because I don't like them and - stripped them and mess around with them. I already passed that stage. I have drank beer at 13 with sugar inside and I went to condomania when it first open when I was 13. It is still the same store but in a different name. They never bully me simply because I join in- and so you can leave this I friend you, you friend me thing. I am really way past that. If you want me to buy you a bottle, I can do that but other than that, I am not your friend and I can give no hoots even if you vandalize my house.

I am cool but it doesn't mean that I give two hoots about you. It doesn't mean that I don't act like your parents means that kids, I am the same as you.

I have been with a bunch of kids for 9 months without going them out socially once and I still don't even give a shit hence you can rest assured that in terms of opinions, you last on my list.

This means that I really don't give a damn after incessant trying hence aren't kids the best of passive aggressive attitude. Why you so uncool man. Chillax man.

If you think shabby is good, I have no say and if you think that giggling loudly and making fun of everything from the hair to the shoes a person wear is fun, be my guest- but for crying out loud, leave these nice people on the streets alone.

Actually, I don't give a damn about you people think: when I was 15, my Taiwanese classmate brought a wad of $50 notes and say he was going to bet on some football games and we even gamble on who is going to have the first corner kick, free kick and that's where I learn to gin rummy. But I gave back all of it.

So don't impress me with your brilliant socializing skills, I am really not impressed, there is a reason I took so long to write a post about this issue because I never gave two hoots about what you people think: that is the point. Read all the post since last year, have I once mentioned anything about making comment by mockery. No.

Look listening to rock music and all those artsy fartsy stuff like film, photography and art is an intellectual process to me. To many of you, it might be a faddish thing to do like- following the latest Korean drama or dance. But to me, it is like finding new ideas which I cannot find elsewhere. I don't even buy Beyoncé or any of those Justine Timberlake. My CDs are from like Grammy winning albums which not many people actually hear about. I don't even have a proper pop album- the closest I have is Adele, and she doesn't even really qualify as one.

This makes me by any stretch of the imagination even more cooler than you are- which only listen to mainstream music and pop culture. Hence I really do not know whether you have the street cred to even make fun of me when I have not even started on you. Sometimes, I find it quite embarrassing that these "cool" and "trendy" kids are making fun at me when I have not even discuss with them the difference between an octave and a three string guitar by Green Day.

Let me tell you what is cool. Cool and popular is not about watching the latest entertainment news, cool is about people idolizing you. Back in the days, my classmates want to buy my school uniform off me- I got it from Yangtze kiang. Do you know why, they though it was cool.

Don't even get me started on this popularity thing, go and find my ex classmates and asked them whether I am the cool one or the uncool one. I would suggest that before you want to take on your seniors, go and find some life experience first before you even decide that you want to start on any of the jibes.

But in the future, leave those nice people alone, they were trying to be nice.

And as for you, I watch French New Wave film and I listen to Frank Sinatra while sipping whisky, you are not there yet. Go grow a few wrinkles first.

Nights.

Ego, ambition and your super-ego run wild.

Do you know what is an ego? An ego is when your pride is torn apart by someone whom you deemed more inferior and then proven wrong.

Maybe, some people might have noticed that I have been partial to women. Maybe, that is why people have noticed that and then try to make comparison between women and myself. I don't find it insulting to have someone being better than me because of ideological reasons.

This means that as I say in one of my previous post from "The argument" in Monty Python's clinic, An argument is setting a preposition based on set of points and not the opposite gainsaying.

There was an incident when it is obvious that there was a female colleague of mine whom was obviously less capable than myself but was offered a position higher than mine and meanwhile I was making a lateral movement. I mean if it is a guy, I would get competitive and rub it in his face. But for women, you just don't do that. Maybe, the woman or lady colleague felt competitive and actually try to find a scenario of which that she is in a better position but sometimes the coincidence is so uncanny and I normally let it slide.

Anyway, even if the lady was trying to be sarcastic and try to rub it in the guy's face, it would be embarrassing to get into a "I am better/ you are better" type of argument with a girl. Not because men are better, it almost always seems bad no matter how you do it. But if you hire a lady like this, there isn't much I can say- I would rather hire a guy that will rub it in my face than a lady whom will hiding behind the moral face of woman and rub it in your face. I didn't really like that lady anyway but I treat all ladies as ladies.

Yesterday, this lady was trying to shove it down the throat of someone and made a decision that was really poor. I paid for my drinks and I just sort of want to collect my drinks that I have already paid than to queue up behind everyone whom have not paid. This lady in his zealousness to demonstrate her management skills told me flat out that I have to queue up and wait up behind everyone.

Always serve the customer that pays first- that is the first rule of business, otherwise, who is willing to pay first and get the product later and what is the incentive to pay first and get later. I didn't want to get into an argument at 12am in the evening and so I digress.

There were instances in classes that there was  a lady classmate of mine whom was blatantly trying to get ahead by trying to appease all the senior lecturers. And of course, me being a guy, I always play the gentleman first and pretend that she wasn't trying to be competitive. I mean if you want to get ahead and then start to do extremely risky things, it is really your problem and not mine.

The best thing I can do is to be a gentleman and treat you like a lady however misguided your judgement is. I have always say that it is your problem and not mine, if thing goes wrong, not just yourself is implicated but many people but not me at least.

Of course, some male lecturers with tails between their legs fell for it but of course, I just look away, this is a school and not a workplace. In any workplace, this will show and people will talk to a point where it will make things incredibly difficult for everyone. Such things are just not condoned now- especially so explicitly.

But in a class, most people just don't care. Like the girl who actually got pregnant just to get better grades. This is ambitions just gone haywire. This is a liberal society than before and many things are condoned just to let women get ahead. But if I am girl, I would not have done such a thing because as a guy I know, as far as this girl concerned, she is screwed.

No normal guy would want to get near her as far as we are concerned. A few years ago, I met up with a girl whose fiancé was 30 years older than her. She actually told me that "he was like a father to her". I was thinking in my head, she can be your father for crying out loud. But I almost choke on my pho but I said nothing. I only read about such people in the newspaper and I have not personally met such people and hence she came as a shock with her story. I sort of think that love has no barriers but the more I talk to her, it was not love- it was more like an innocent delusion.

She told me things like he brought her food when she was studying with her friends and she was very kind. I was thinking, you are 22 years old, why don't you be normal and go for some cute young guy than be stuck with a portly old man. By the way, when we spoke, that guy just passed away from heart attack. You might read the story in a particular tabloid but I am not going name names. Suffice to say, I wouldn't tell my story to the whole world about this should this happen to me- if I am the girl that is.

The more I talk to her, the more scared I got. She talk in a dreamy way like the deceased fiancé was a knight in shinning armour- someone really did brain wash her brain clean. If she watch sufficient tv and internet, I don't think anyone would think in this manner. I am worried that she might be abit out of touch with reality.

After that lunch, I got abit queasy about her status and I try to give a slightly wide berth, Truth be told, she was very ambitious and she told me that "she had no doubt she would make it big." Before I knew too much, I was quite impressed by her. She carried herself very well and talk very maturely in a manner which is quite unlike for someone her age- she was not giggly or cracking silly jokes. But I cannot help it that the strange relationship is abit hard to bear- I like mature ladies who knows what they want and can act without fuss but it doesn't mean that I would find my grandmother.

There are no perfection, you just have to give and take. I like to think that I am quite mature for my age but I always like a hot piece of ass anytime and will do a stupid thing here and there but not stupid enough to screw things up totally. These girls above brought it to the exact opposite and I have this funny feeling that they screw up their life for something quite abstract.

I always enjoy a flutter here and there when comes to ladies but I don't play safe and go for a grandmother, that is just way too ridiculous.

So if you have the characteristics of the women I mentioned above, I am not to judge but I really feel very uncomfortable to the extend that one will do to get what one wants. I mean it is your life- but just try to sort your life first and don't try to get me involved. I would rather get ditzy girl anytime and get myself entangled in such a complicated relationship.

Happiness, Contenment and Affirmation

When I wrote the last post, it almost seems bothering on self pity. But if you look carefully, some people will never have the same experience that I will have ever have. I will probably have they have so long as I slow down. That is the difference.

But the point of everything is that, there is nothing to gloat about, neither is there anything to be upset about. Everyone makes choices according to what they think is best for them. The difference between them and myself is that I have the mileage to do some things and still get away with it. I am not trying to say that it was right, all I am saying that- if you see the last 2-3 post, you will realise that it takes a really stupid and slightly out of whack to do what I do and think that something will work out.

The downside is that as a result of the one year of experimentation, everyone thought it was permanent- and now I just have to unwind everything. But I am 32, and not 62. If people cannot accept a certain conception, this means that they have a fixed paradigm which I sort of breached it and makes it uncomfortable for them.

You have to understand that the loss- at least form this perspective- is their's and not mine. I am not going to advise everyone what I do. All I am trying to say that, I think everyone chooses the life that he/she wants to live. I just live it this way. And so, if my friends, family think that I have changed so much beyond what they imagined, I do not lament them. Hence I will just pack my bags and go.

I am trying to say that I should do that but if the stereotype and paradigm is so hardened and fixed, this means that things will not changed and their boundaries are as far as the mind can bring them. Hence, do not rub it in my face about your beautiful girlfriend or your prodigious children, there is a difference between what you see and what I experienced.

Think about it I tired of the first and second, I can start one tomorrow and there is nothing anyone can stop me. But the above, once you have children, a mortgage, a sticky girlfriend, forget about doing the most ridiculous things like what I did before- it was not the most advisable but no one actually says that you go to Mars to experience life, maybe if you slow it down and absorb everything around you- you will already get a sensory overload.

Adventure, I have been to army- and all those adventure tours is like a joke. Bungee jump and walking in the dark- add that by 100 times more pressure. I can tell you it isn't that fun after all. I will get a 5 stars hotel anytime.

I have nothing against having adventure tours but I wont pay a lot to get some high and trekking in the jungle in paved steps. C'mon, have you been to a place so dark, you cannot even see your hand in front of you. And then you got some stupid mission to fulfil. Bungee Jumping- how about rappelling- for free- and they throw you down the wall and never tell you about all the safety futures.

I know some people craved for that, and there are some who say don't take risk and have a kid and forget about all these. I dare you, to stay at home, record every sound you hear and tell me how it relate to your life- I can safely tell you that, you do not even want to get out of your house- because your senses is so sensitive, you will get an information overload. Try that for one year- and tell me whether jumping from building on a bungee will make any sense.

If you want to go to the lowest common denominator, that is the lowest common denominator. You against everything that you know- nothing is to left untouched.

Hence I am happy for you, and that you have found someone or have a kid n your life. I am not jealous and neither am I envious. You don't need to prove to me your happiness to seek affirmation- that means you are not sure. If you are not, that is your problem and not mine.

When you see me on the street, and you see me not giving a damn: as the song goes: "Move Along, move along like you know should, just move along."

No offence.

Hello!!

I was watching a movie just now and it dawned onto me that people always try to make decisions based on what they see. Actually I was watching alone and I am not interested in what they are doing- but unfortunately, they were irritating the hell out of me by making judgements and opinions when no one asked for them. Personally, if they wish to impress their girlfriends or friends, that is their problem- but not at my expense.

Hence since this guy was disrupting my viewing pleasure, I decided to teach him a lesson, and make it embarrassing for him. I study film for half a year, I study religion for half a year, I study history for at least 1 and then of course, collapsing everything altogether, I know exactly what pop culture is trying to say in a film filled with cultural artefacts from time.

Anyone who study film knows that we can follow the narration even though technically is actually a collection of shots and montage- put together to form a story. This means that if you have a "cultural" understanding- you will follow any film. An alien from other space who watch a film for the first time who not understand what is cross cutting at the back of his mind and intuitively but would think why is the film moving from one place to another. An alien does not understand that a fade away is leading to another scene and a sunny day is actually leading to a good thing.

Anyway, I wrote some stuff earlier, but the touchpad is failing me, and so I might have missed quite a lot of juice. But the gist is that this fellow patron keep on challenging me and in trying to predict the film narration- and when he switch from a good guy to a bad and back to a good guy again when there is a girl to kiss. The point is that like he found me as a threat to the girlfriend when I am all alone watching a film on a Friday night- I mean it is quite sad already hence why the hell is there a need to challenge anyway.

But the funny thing is that he keeps getting it wrong- it was a Superman film by the way. I only want to teach him a lesson but he just keep on embarrassing himself that I almost felt bad for him. But he started it. If he does not wish to start anything, hug the girl closely and don't bother what I do. Eventually the girl came to my side, because the guy keeps on getting it wrong. He went from the good guy and then settle for bad guy and when come the kissing scene, he became the good guy again and almost kiss the girlfriend next to him just to show off. Then suddenly the bad resurrect and smashed the good guy in.

I didn't expected that, and I have not watch the show before and I am not even a Superman fan. But it was so funny that he just keep on getting it wrong that I felt embarrassed for him. And I haven't even did anything at all.

I almost felt bad for him and it almost make it look like I was trying to steal his girlfriend away. But well, it was obvious that I was not interested in trying anything then trying to waste some time away eating pop corn and watching a movie in a dark room.

I think people in general are so insecure that they are incapable of trying to understand that sometimes that there isn't a need to prove that you are came in a couple just to show that you are no afraid of a presence of another person. I cannot impress this upon anyone because everywhere I go, it's like people are just trying to prove their superiority simply because there is more of them and less of me.

Maybe I am abit different in that there isn't a need to impress some girl in the train by constantly messaging an anonymous person on the phone. And maybe I am abit different, I don't get jealous that I will message some random person just to prove that I am popular and trying to get some attention.

Every time, some motorcycle would grunt loudly almost in tandem to provide the accompanying soundscape to complement the "bad" love or "bad boy" context- almost on cue. I mean, if I knew that is going to happen, I will wear a thick leather jacket and shave bald and lose my haversack and wear a pair of Doc Martens. But I am not the type.

It is not that I am not interested in women and show this lacklustre energy but it is a public place for crying out loud- what is going to happen. Besides, most of my friends and schoolmates are married or are in the process of doing so. If that is going to happen, it would have happen a long time ago.

Those closest to me are already in the process of having babies and planning to lived a mundane middle class life. Hence, the most direct possibility is already gone again and no, I am not interested in throwing my life and limb for something that I have already done before.

And no some young girl just out of school and with very little work and life experience is just way too much of a burden and require too much maintenance. I know that I am asking for a lot and so I know all of these is a long shot and I really don't expect that to happen.

Besides, I am in an unique situation where even if I am not working but I have an apartment to service. And so, I am not going to kid myself that things are going to happen overnight with a proper job.

And so in the future, if you do see me on the street, do not try to press my buttons and think that I am going to do anything. I will not start anything unless I get something started.

Hello you there !!

Save yourself before you save others

Actually, I have nothing against anyone. But the thing is that people have something against me about everything- when a simply can you do this or can you do that would suffice.

maybe people don't realise that the more different or abnormal you treat me, the normal I treat you because that is exactly what do not expect from me. If one look from my perspective, why should I put in so much effort into something which absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

To me whatever it is, there isn't a need to treat me any differently or any need to treat me in a manner that you deemed appropriate- just treat me in a manner like you would have of the next person. But maybe people expect me to just capitulate just because they treat me differently. You can rest assured that most of time, I really don't give a damn what you thought of me. You might think that I am a clown, a jello or a weirdo. Honestly, if I could- I would rather say it to my face and say it behind my back.

But I digress. The point is that I really don't give a damn what anyone think of me just so long as you give me what I want and do what I paid you to do or the bare minimum expected at a socially adequate level.

Maybe people still don't get that the harder one tries to catch my attention, the more I don't give a damn and the more anyone try to interfere into my matters, the less you would expect from me simply because no one can see both sides of the coin from my perspective.

Just today, I saw big t-shirts reminding of my past actions that people are trying to remind me of what I should or I should not do. Maybe they believed that they are doing something fantastic but really, my brain only works when I have something to do and if I do nothing-it just simply means that I have no intention of doing anything.

Today, I just paid for my visa application to Australia. Personally, I feel the environment is no longer sweet or conducive for me anymore. It feels like everyone knows more about than me than I know of anyone and I do not like that feeling. It feels like I am sitting boiler and a compressor environment every single day and I would like to make mistakes on my terms and experience things the way I see it. Thank you very much.

Besides, I made sufficient enemies in Singapore to last me lifetime and I have no intention of finding each one and every single of them and ask them- what is your beef with me- honestly, I feel that it is not needed because if I did anything wrong, I have given sufficient time to everyone to explain the situation. I don't think I owe anyone anything other than, I wish you all the best in whatever that you have done.

If you do not  bother to stand up and tell me what is wrong, then no one should be given any time by me to listen.

Anyway, everything is just in the works but I do not need to see more than I should, I can say without hesitation that if push comes to shove, I would probably get out and maybe the world will be a little better without me having to say my piece- when I never have any intention to say any in the first place.

Bon Soir and Au revior- est de avant.

High, Low in hell on earth and the middle ground

It might seems so vague in the last post. Let me tell you what I mean when I say that when you start to break all the assumptions:

Have you start to noticed that sometimes, you can almost predict some sounds even before they even occur. If you watch the " A dangerous method." Freud told Jung about this idea called kinestiocology or telepathy. He said that how sometimes you can tell the sound is coming from the fridge even before it actually occur. That is how far as I went. I went to assumed that all sounds occur for a reason and went to fudge with it. This means that all sounds that came from the road, the radio, the fridge and even people snapping their fingers and coughing. That is why I literally was paralysed at home. Just being at how already have a plethora of things that I can investigate.

The difference was that I did not investigate from a psychological point of view, I investigate from a social and political point of view. When you start to notice such things, you began to realise the anger and the displeasure and the unhappiness and disconnect among all these things coming together. Of course, all these sounds have nothing to do with me. It is not my problem to do anything about it. But you come to realise the rising conflict among even these seemingly pleasant and benign strangers.

They are very angry and they are not happy with the state of affairs at all. People are not happy with what they see on t.v with how people react to each other and how even the very presence irritated each other.

Then you put all these together, you have a living hell. One where even the miniscule disturbance is even to erupt a potential volcano. Then you ask me what I have been doing the past year: let me tell you this, I want to know what made people so angry. Angry, they are.

I once woke up in the middle of the night just to write some notes. And I couldn't sleep even after that. I then began to ask questions the effect of the calendar and time. Is it all random: that was even a bigger hell. Let me tell you that, there is a discernible pattern and sometimes the coincidence so uncanny that you can help but ask yourself why the hell is happening. But on other's you cannot say for sure what is going to happen.

If you watch the Beautiful Mind, and you see John Nash try to fix patterns in the newspaper to the political messages: the difference is that he went to draw a mind map, I didn't. But there is a discernible pattern with how some events are never coincidental. I stopped there. That was hell enough since I know something was going to happen, I just don't know what.

And then you tell me why I was scared, I wasn't. Let me tell you that, you knew something was going happen but you don't know what, and then you cannot do anything about it. The last thing that you are is scared.

And then, I tell you that I lived like that for one year and then I tell you that spend the last half year trying to unwind what I know, then you realise that, trust is a premium for me.

And everyone tell me about growing, dreaming and having ambition, about love, about music and about starting a family. Let me just tell you that there are bigger things in life that are more important than what you just mentioned to me.

Now I can tell you what is growth. Growth is about knowing all the above and telling me that you have hope. That is growth and that is ambition and that is hope. Growth is not hoping about something that you don't know about.

I once told someone about the story of a pig in a abattoir. You see the happy pig doesn't know that he is in abattoir and so he happily munches on the food everyday and not knowing that he is going to be slaughtered. One day someone open the gate for him and because he was so contended, he continue to dream and one day he will be the king of all the pigs. Then there is another pig, which sees that the butcher walked in with a cleaver in the butcher house and emerged bloody and then one day, he tells everyone to leave since the gate is open but everyone was happily munching away and say you crazy pig, shut up. And of course the "crazy" pig ran away when the gate was opened and left the rest of the pigs to their devices.

Enchanted people believed in growth, disenchanted people will tell you that there is no such thing as growth and only personal growth. Meanwhile, I will leave it to everyone to believe what they believe.

I have just came back from hell which I went in willingly and now I tell you that you will slowly discover in your life in a slower pace that life is about knowing what you cannot do rather than what you can do.

Life is then about finding hope in them and not be capitulated by it.

This might seem so abstract: let me crystallize it for you. Remember that I said there was nothing in my career that I want to achieve. I have took on the big boys, I have succeeded. I have took on the big boys and I have lost and I have gain more recognition for that. There are certain things that you know you can do and there are certain things you know you cannot do. After a while, everyone knows exactly what you are going to do next. And you have reached a level where growth is nothing more than hope, and I never deal with hope.

Relationships are intangible and I can safely tell you all men do not love the person "per se". They are always looking for someone better. They will settle down only because they really don't have a choice. All men and when I mean a lot of men, view women as conquest and when you reach a level where you have been the best, you do not go for prostitutes. A conquest is not by numbers but the capitulation of the opposite person. And then when you see that growth in this manner is not be visiting more prostitutes- it is to get better. And at my stage, it is very hard to grow any more.

And so my hope in this area is not get any more better, it is just simply to settle down. Anything else is just a bonus that's all.

Hell is beautiful and debauchery place sometimes, and once you visit it- it should only get more beautiful and perfect, not more of the same thing.

You see, I am not unambitious and I am not sterile- I am just in reality really bored. I don't think it can get any worse after hitting the rock bottom and reaching the highest high. I will just have to leave it to the devices. It's just time to settle and not looking to jump off from the next higher cliff.

There are enough hopeful young people to do that and there are enough crazy people to do what I just did. It's all yours.

What scares you the most

Have you been through hell and back. I can safely- or dangerously- tell you that I went through that and came back again.

Have you done something so ridiculously wild and different that you yourself knew what was wrong and still do it. You did it not because you want to achieve something but you want to know what the other side of the river looks like. You persist with it even against the best judgements- yours and others.

That is nihilism. Never never tell me that you have grown just because you tried different. When you can tell me that, that means that you not grown at all. When you reach that level, you cannot fathom why you did the thing in the first place and am so nervous, panicky, anxious and angsty that everything and anything will get under your skin. That is hell, that is growth and that is when you start to question everything about yourself and that is when your most basic assumptions are stretched to the maximum- you even question the existence of your being.

That is exactly what I did for one whole year and that was exactly why I can safely tell you that there is nothing I can and will not do to get something done. That is exactly why, I know I have seen the limit, I have visited it and I have seen what the world can offer and I can safely tell you that, it is not a pretty sight at all.

That is why in the previous post, I can safely tell you that I am very comfortable and do not wish to see or engage in any major changes. I can also tell you that when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. And when they stare back at you, you must approach all forms of fear, you don't even know existed.

Sometimes, I worried for myself now. I am worried that when I start on a project, I am afraid that I will not stop. The project will not bring me joy nor satisfaction in spite of the effort simply when you have seen the darkness just before the break of dawn- when it is the darkest- you realise that there is really nothing that you are fearful of. This makes you extremely scary to everyone simply because they do not know what you will or will not do.

They are scared not because they are right, they are scared because they have not visited that place yet. The moment you have visited that place, trust me- fear is an absolute waste of time.

And when you reach that place, you will realise that you have been living life in a fairy tale. And suddenly you will not- and even if you want- you cannot reach that place ever again, unless you suffer amnesia.

This is called disenchantment, you have broken down everything to it pieces. There is nothing in this world, that will mean magic to you anymore. This means that everything is "factual" and never what it appears or "should be".

That world is so scary that you have make all decisions consciously, you cannot believe in anything that is a given and you have reach a level of consciousness that you would realise that you are "doomed to be free".

People tell me about freedom and democracy and about revolution- and when I tell you that this is what freedom is about. They start to sing songs or start to hack into computers. That is not freedom, that is really an approved form of "escapism" and living back in a dream when the world is a nightmare.

You are not just free, you are doomed to be free.

My suggestion is that before you start to look at me where you think that I am who I am and you asked yourself why you are so different from me, you can start be asking yourself this question: what scares you the most. That is your own answer- it has nothing to do with me.