Two Ls doesnt make one H

I have made so many enemies that I cannot imagine how I manage to get by life without being knocked down by some vehicle. But you see, if I were to bother about every single person in my life, I wouldn't have anyone believed that I actually exist.

It came to this point that a friend of mine actually concocted a scenario to prove that people actually dislike me. All I ever did was if I remember correctly that I just asked him to take down a post on Facebook which was actually offensive and suddenly the whole world actually descended on me. It came to a point, he actually said to the effect that: "you don't realise that everyone hates you." and then he scroll down to all the comments below.

I replied and said that I only ask you to take down an offensive post and said "I am drinking my whisky and listening to Frank Sinatra, and no I don't feel miserable. Thank you very much." And of course, we never quite hear from each other again- by the way he was a doctor- a houseman or some army medical officer.

I think people have the misguided idea that just because someone doesn't like me, I have to concur with everyone that I must not really like myself very much. I find it quite tiring to explain to everyone that, yes I get where you are coming from: point taken. Is there anything I can improved, if not maybe, can you leave me alone now.

Sometimes, I wonder whether they are criticizing me or themselves. I almost get the feeling that they just want my approval- and the very fact that I did not agree with them makes them even more angry. Actually, come to think of it, this has become so habitual that it almost became the only way to engage me.

The more, there is an attempt to make me pissed off, the more I just disengaged that's all. It has come to a point where, I really don't have any friends or I am losing more friends than I am making them.

It always starts quite innocuously like the above- it almost feels like they are trying to find a way to make me get off a stage or something. And I still wonder, when did I become the star in the first place. Why is there a need to prove that I am not a star or something like that or why can't I just be like them.

My first thoughts was that I wasn't trying to be anyone, why is there a need for me to be the same or different from you. Are you trying to say that just because I am "different", you cannot be my friend. Are you in the kindergarten?

Look, I understand what is social pressure and peer pressure, but as someone whom have done quite a lot of things way over my head at certain points in time, I know that these are the least of my concerns.

And I am not sure why anyone would want me to prove my "same-ness" or "difference from others.. This is something that continue to puzzle me. We are not a Japanese society where we almost pathologically homogenous, we are a diverse society and there isn't a need to prove that I am not sticking out. If I don't stick out, someone will anyway. There isn't a need to prove anything to anyone. But well, it has become such a recurring theme that this has become sort of like a control mechanism that I suspect to check my growth.

And to be honest with you, at some point in time, I become so tired of trying to prove these ridiculous claims, I just sort of say yes without really meaning it at all.

But I digress. The point is that people actually believed all these, and the disconnect began to grow even more. This means that people actually believed that I am a pathological racist or exclusive type of person. I cannot even start to tell you that how this became so tiring that I let this problem be other people's problem and not mine.

Actually, I just want to ringfence my problem that's all. I don't think anyone is better than anyone, I just don't want to invite unnecessary attention. But you see, everything else remains. This means that I still really do not see a need to prove my same-ness or difference. Hence, your problem with me is something you have to deal with yourself. I cannot make you like me, but it doesn't meant that I should think like you or think that I have the same problem.

So, you see now, I sit here with my social circle shrink to the point of non-existence, but you see I don't see a need to have a group of friends that agrees me all the time and besides I do not see a need to prove my innocence because I really don't see how does speaking my mind have anything to do with friendship, kinship or any kind of relationship for that matter. Besides, I never was rude, I simply back up everything that I said.

The thing is that I don't really say above to invite sympathy to myself. But rather, I see no need to explain to anyone the need to prove something that I am not guilty of.

So, I have always say alone-ness and loneliness is two different things. I never mix these two together. I never force the situation on anyone- no exceptions. Do as you please- my door is always open.