On the "edge"

When I was much younger, I used to have a "romantic" and over-the-top idea of what love should be like. I used to think that not necessarily ditzy, involving two ill-matched person that sort of start off some unexpected sparks or involving a lot of misadventures. I used to think that it must involved some form of charm or at least some form of attraction- not necessarily physically- but at least on some personality or personal level. I realised that I was wrong even on the second part.

Charm almost always involved some form of blip from normalcy or routine- and some form of ritualistic high from monotonous humdrum of daily life. The thing was that I was pretty good at this- everyone comes to me for this form of ritualistic high -called charm- which I provide to them in abundance.

But as I grew a little older, I realised that this was the easy part. This means that is easy to charm a person but it is very difficult to keep charm out of it once you start to use it. This means that everyone looks at you and expect you to continue give them surprises every time they see you and keep them guessing- they always want to be charmed but they never realise that I am charming only because they own life is monotonous. I would not be needed if they can find this type of high somewhere else. I provided this high for free and they keep coming back or expecting some form of high.

But then I realised that it is way harder to keep a person coming back without expecting some form of "abnormalcy" or "high" from their daily life. And this type of love is a lot harder and the benefits is not tangible at all.

From young, I have always thought that in order to be noticed, you have to be charming or at least pleasant. This means that people have to remember you for you and not for what you do. I didn't even realise that I was so good at putting my name out that I was not really part of their "normal" life per se.

This means that, and I know for fact that, everyone whom have some from of liaisons with me never forgets me- not because I was making sure they never forget me- but because I was so damn good at providing the "abnormalcy" or blip in their life. Hence I believe that the gap is so yawning that it is natural that they find it difficult to replace a blip- and very often they find someone resembling my mannerisms or behaviour to replace this gap. They thought the blip is normal or should be part of their daily routine but I come to realise that if normal life is plateau, I am the blip- like the heartbeat on the heart rate monitor. Hence they forever are searching for that blip- but for a blip to be a blip, it must be a surprise and not one that resembles another.

At first, I feel flattered and sort of quite surprised that it was so important- but I am not Mother Theresa and neither did I find the cancer cure, I shouldn't have this type of attention, hell I am not even trying to be famous singer.

But I began to realise that recently, I am a blip in life of everyone. This means that they will come to you or remember you only when they know you are missing and not when they need something to rely on or have something on their mind. They will come to you only when they hate their routine.

I used to write that love is nothing more than an onion where each layer peeled revealed a different layer of meaning- and nothing more than euphoria. Yes, the euphoria.

But as I watched the mass media and listen to the radio and read the papers, I come to realise that euphoria and the blip is not love- it is really just pizzazz disguising as brinkmanship emotions.

I have gotten it all so wrong that I was so damn good at the above that I dance around the lie so well that I didn't realise that I was trying way too hard.

I then realise that even if it is cliché, love really needs no form of payback. You just do and never expect anything back- that is really way way harder.