High, Low in hell on earth and the middle ground

It might seems so vague in the last post. Let me tell you what I mean when I say that when you start to break all the assumptions:

Have you start to noticed that sometimes, you can almost predict some sounds even before they even occur. If you watch the " A dangerous method." Freud told Jung about this idea called kinestiocology or telepathy. He said that how sometimes you can tell the sound is coming from the fridge even before it actually occur. That is how far as I went. I went to assumed that all sounds occur for a reason and went to fudge with it. This means that all sounds that came from the road, the radio, the fridge and even people snapping their fingers and coughing. That is why I literally was paralysed at home. Just being at how already have a plethora of things that I can investigate.

The difference was that I did not investigate from a psychological point of view, I investigate from a social and political point of view. When you start to notice such things, you began to realise the anger and the displeasure and the unhappiness and disconnect among all these things coming together. Of course, all these sounds have nothing to do with me. It is not my problem to do anything about it. But you come to realise the rising conflict among even these seemingly pleasant and benign strangers.

They are very angry and they are not happy with the state of affairs at all. People are not happy with what they see on t.v with how people react to each other and how even the very presence irritated each other.

Then you put all these together, you have a living hell. One where even the miniscule disturbance is even to erupt a potential volcano. Then you ask me what I have been doing the past year: let me tell you this, I want to know what made people so angry. Angry, they are.

I once woke up in the middle of the night just to write some notes. And I couldn't sleep even after that. I then began to ask questions the effect of the calendar and time. Is it all random: that was even a bigger hell. Let me tell you that, there is a discernible pattern and sometimes the coincidence so uncanny that you can help but ask yourself why the hell is happening. But on other's you cannot say for sure what is going to happen.

If you watch the Beautiful Mind, and you see John Nash try to fix patterns in the newspaper to the political messages: the difference is that he went to draw a mind map, I didn't. But there is a discernible pattern with how some events are never coincidental. I stopped there. That was hell enough since I know something was going to happen, I just don't know what.

And then you tell me why I was scared, I wasn't. Let me tell you that, you knew something was going happen but you don't know what, and then you cannot do anything about it. The last thing that you are is scared.

And then, I tell you that I lived like that for one year and then I tell you that spend the last half year trying to unwind what I know, then you realise that, trust is a premium for me.

And everyone tell me about growing, dreaming and having ambition, about love, about music and about starting a family. Let me just tell you that there are bigger things in life that are more important than what you just mentioned to me.

Now I can tell you what is growth. Growth is about knowing all the above and telling me that you have hope. That is growth and that is ambition and that is hope. Growth is not hoping about something that you don't know about.

I once told someone about the story of a pig in a abattoir. You see the happy pig doesn't know that he is in abattoir and so he happily munches on the food everyday and not knowing that he is going to be slaughtered. One day someone open the gate for him and because he was so contended, he continue to dream and one day he will be the king of all the pigs. Then there is another pig, which sees that the butcher walked in with a cleaver in the butcher house and emerged bloody and then one day, he tells everyone to leave since the gate is open but everyone was happily munching away and say you crazy pig, shut up. And of course the "crazy" pig ran away when the gate was opened and left the rest of the pigs to their devices.

Enchanted people believed in growth, disenchanted people will tell you that there is no such thing as growth and only personal growth. Meanwhile, I will leave it to everyone to believe what they believe.

I have just came back from hell which I went in willingly and now I tell you that you will slowly discover in your life in a slower pace that life is about knowing what you cannot do rather than what you can do.

Life is then about finding hope in them and not be capitulated by it.

This might seem so abstract: let me crystallize it for you. Remember that I said there was nothing in my career that I want to achieve. I have took on the big boys, I have succeeded. I have took on the big boys and I have lost and I have gain more recognition for that. There are certain things that you know you can do and there are certain things you know you cannot do. After a while, everyone knows exactly what you are going to do next. And you have reached a level where growth is nothing more than hope, and I never deal with hope.

Relationships are intangible and I can safely tell you all men do not love the person "per se". They are always looking for someone better. They will settle down only because they really don't have a choice. All men and when I mean a lot of men, view women as conquest and when you reach a level where you have been the best, you do not go for prostitutes. A conquest is not by numbers but the capitulation of the opposite person. And then when you see that growth in this manner is not be visiting more prostitutes- it is to get better. And at my stage, it is very hard to grow any more.

And so my hope in this area is not get any more better, it is just simply to settle down. Anything else is just a bonus that's all.

Hell is beautiful and debauchery place sometimes, and once you visit it- it should only get more beautiful and perfect, not more of the same thing.

You see, I am not unambitious and I am not sterile- I am just in reality really bored. I don't think it can get any worse after hitting the rock bottom and reaching the highest high. I will just have to leave it to the devices. It's just time to settle and not looking to jump off from the next higher cliff.

There are enough hopeful young people to do that and there are enough crazy people to do what I just did. It's all yours.