What scares you the most

Have you been through hell and back. I can safely- or dangerously- tell you that I went through that and came back again.

Have you done something so ridiculously wild and different that you yourself knew what was wrong and still do it. You did it not because you want to achieve something but you want to know what the other side of the river looks like. You persist with it even against the best judgements- yours and others.

That is nihilism. Never never tell me that you have grown just because you tried different. When you can tell me that, that means that you not grown at all. When you reach that level, you cannot fathom why you did the thing in the first place and am so nervous, panicky, anxious and angsty that everything and anything will get under your skin. That is hell, that is growth and that is when you start to question everything about yourself and that is when your most basic assumptions are stretched to the maximum- you even question the existence of your being.

That is exactly what I did for one whole year and that was exactly why I can safely tell you that there is nothing I can and will not do to get something done. That is exactly why, I know I have seen the limit, I have visited it and I have seen what the world can offer and I can safely tell you that, it is not a pretty sight at all.

That is why in the previous post, I can safely tell you that I am very comfortable and do not wish to see or engage in any major changes. I can also tell you that when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you. And when they stare back at you, you must approach all forms of fear, you don't even know existed.

Sometimes, I worried for myself now. I am worried that when I start on a project, I am afraid that I will not stop. The project will not bring me joy nor satisfaction in spite of the effort simply when you have seen the darkness just before the break of dawn- when it is the darkest- you realise that there is really nothing that you are fearful of. This makes you extremely scary to everyone simply because they do not know what you will or will not do.

They are scared not because they are right, they are scared because they have not visited that place yet. The moment you have visited that place, trust me- fear is an absolute waste of time.

And when you reach that place, you will realise that you have been living life in a fairy tale. And suddenly you will not- and even if you want- you cannot reach that place ever again, unless you suffer amnesia.

This is called disenchantment, you have broken down everything to it pieces. There is nothing in this world, that will mean magic to you anymore. This means that everything is "factual" and never what it appears or "should be".

That world is so scary that you have make all decisions consciously, you cannot believe in anything that is a given and you have reach a level of consciousness that you would realise that you are "doomed to be free".

People tell me about freedom and democracy and about revolution- and when I tell you that this is what freedom is about. They start to sing songs or start to hack into computers. That is not freedom, that is really an approved form of "escapism" and living back in a dream when the world is a nightmare.

You are not just free, you are doomed to be free.

My suggestion is that before you start to look at me where you think that I am who I am and you asked yourself why you are so different from me, you can start be asking yourself this question: what scares you the most. That is your own answer- it has nothing to do with me.